Well once again it is a tremendous blessing to come and be in this space with you all today. A little over three weeks ago I had emergency surgery to have a very sick appendix removed; I thank God that I'm healing up slowly and nicely. Well this is the finale post on this subject on marriage and what people believe it to be versus what it really truly is. The third of the big 3 is finally "financial intimacy"; which means being willing to make some money, share the money, and manage it wisely.
I remember when I first met and fell in love with my wife Yolanda, I took my first "big" check, which was about $268.00, and spent most of it on her taking grocery shopping. You see back then most of the jobs I had only paid me about 6 bucks an hour, or about 200 bucks a week. However, whatever I had, I wanted to spend it on her; and 20 years later, I still do. I believe most real men who's worth anything at all love to spend money on the woman they love. In fact, some men will spend money on a woman they barely know or haven't even had sex with just based on the fact that she's pretty to look at. However, since I've been married I've discovered that it's not just I who want to spend money on her, but she wants to spend just as much if not more money on me. When you're in love with someone it's only natural that you want to share the wealth with them by making a purchase for their benefit. Other than simply not having the money due to deep debt and a very tight budget, low income, or unemployment, show me a man and woman who won't share or spend money on each other, and I'll show you a relationship in trouble; It's just that simple.
Now part of this intimacy is the handling of money and whether or not one can maturely manage and be trusted with it. It's one thing to spend money on her; but it's another thing to actually give her or him the credit card or checkbook to go out and get it for themselves. I say it all of the time, just in case you haven't heard it before, that marriage is for mature adults only; not kids whose birth certificate declares them to be over 21. You do know that there are far too many immature adults well over 21, don't you? Their immaturity shows up not just in the way they respond to and treat each other in times of disagreement, but also in how they handle money. When you spend everything you have no matter how much you make and never save, that's immature. When in spite of having more than enough money, the lights have to get turned off before the bill is paid, that's immature. When you take part of the mortgage money to buy a purse for $275 when you've already got enough of them to switch up every day for the next two months, that's immature. Constantly spending money on you and never on the other; now that's just selfish. These examples of financial immaturity can lead to stressful problems in the relationship. Not only can they eventually put your household finances in a bind, but soon the other person will simply start to fill unloved, unappreciated, and taken for granted.
Sometimes, being financially mature and responsible can simply mean being man or woman enough to admit that you're not as good with money as you need to be and allowing the other person (who hopefully is much better at it than you; God forbid both of you suck at it) to take control and take the responsibility of money management. Now this can be the man or woman; just because you're the man doesn't necessarily mean you should be in charge of the money. Just because you work and he or she may not doesn't mean you should be in charge. Just because you make the most doesn't mean you should be in charge of management. It should be based on whose money skills are better developed. Sometimes the person who makes the most also childishly blows the most money. Being a mature couple means understanding that your relationship is a team or partnership, thus recognizing each others talents, strengths, gifts, skills, knowledge, as well as admitting weaknesses and short comings, thus making the team financially more effective.
Finally, unless one is medically documented to be physically disabled, temporarily unemployed and looking for work, in school preparing for work, or it has been mutually agreed upon that one stays home to care for the house and children, each individual ought to be contributing to the household finances. It shouldn't matter who makes the most (in today's economy and careers, the woman is likely to make just as much if not more than the man), you are a team working together any way. A man who feels intimidated by a woman making more needs to go back to the drawing board and check the definition of a real man. And a woman who allows her larger paycheck to make her feel superior to him needs to go sit down some where and understand her role in the relationship, which is to be an assistant and a help meet. In fact, both the man and woman are assistants to each other helping to meet the needs of one another. If you have a job or career that you are happy with and that fulfills you, then be proud of it regardless of what you make. But if you are a mentally and physically healthy person who won't work and contribute to the economic stability of the family business, and you don't cook or clean; thus putting all of the financial burden on the other person, then what the hell good are you? Many times these people have the nerve and audacity to eat up most of the food, drink all of the Kool Aid, and drive out most of the gas. You shouldn't spend most of the money when you make none of it, especially if you're spending it on crap for your own personal pleasure. If you're not working right now, seek other ways to contribute to the relationship instead of draining it: wash a car or a dish, do the laundry, mow the lawn, cook (or learn how, then cook), get involved with the church or community service, but don't just sit on your ass and take, take, take! Many relationships turn sour and end due to serious problems in money matters.
One other thought on this subject of financial intimacy: it is OK if you take some of your individual cash and keep it to yourself. Intimacy and sharing doesn't have to mean totally giving up your personal financial identity (assuming you have one). It's all right to have your own personal checking and savings account in addition to the joint; just make sure that, as a married couple, the household family business is straight and taken care of first. Personal "pocket change" is cool. My point here is that when you truly love each other, financial intimacy is a privilege, not a burden.
