Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint Part 2

Happy Thursday to you all. Chicago's an interesting place, as far as weather goes: 60 degrees one day, 37 the next.  This is what we go through in months like March and April. Well anyway let's continue this thought on what marriage really is, as far as the true spirit of it is concerned.  However, before we wrestle with what it is, let's first discuss what many believe it to be.  Many are under the impression that it's the $1700.00 diamond, 14k gold ring she and he sports on the fourth finger of the left hand.  How many marriages have been jeopardized by the loss or misplacement of this piece of jewelry, hmm?  Some people think it's the license, or in the words of some people, it's "the papers", "Oh I got papers on my man!"  A rrreeeaaaallyyy big deal is made over these "papers".  It's critically important to many people, especially conservative people, to have something recorded downtown that tells the world, "I legally got em".  Many will even say that God will get upset with you if you move in together without first securing these papers.  And still to others, it's the "wedding day" and all of the events leading up to it. Yaw know what I'm talking about; the invitations, the bridal showers, picking out the dress, the rehearsals, food for the reception, the ice sculpture, etc.

Are any of these things really the marriage? No, no, no! Now are they important to some degree? Yeeaahhh! Let's start with the ring: It is a 3 part symbol of what a marriage is ideally expected to be.  The diamond represents marriage's toughness, hardness, and splendor.  As the foundation of the family, marriage is expected to be the "solid rock" on which a family is built.  The diamond, besides it's beauty, is the hardest natural substance known to man. Then there is the second part of the ring, which is the gold portion; which represents marriage's purity and the idea that it should be resistant to outside forces and elements.  As you may know, gold is a precious metal that is highly resistant to rust, corrosion and tarnish.  Finally there is the third portion of the ring, which is it's shape and make up; an unbroken circle.  Like the ring, marriage is meant to be an unbroken circle where the husband and wife face each other, holding hands, and no one; mother, father, kids, next door neighbors, Bugs Bunny (lol), comes between them.  Now if your marriage does not really experience these characteristics, wearing a freakin ring isn't going to help, now is it?  On the flip side, the absence of a ring doesn't mean that these characteristics do not exist.

Well, what about the license, or the "papers"; the legalities of the union.  This means that the government recognizes the two of you as a legal partnership.  The state sees the two of you as a legal entity, much like a company or a corporation. Your relationship sort of becomes a "business", thus, there are special benefits that the state will bestow upon this union as a result.  According to the law, there are about 1400 different legal benefits and privileges to having a clerk recorded marriage. Many of these "benefits", however, only really kick in in the event that something goes wrong in the relationship, such as death benefits, the ability to make critical decisions when the other is too sick or comatosed to do so for themselves, or in the case of a divorce.  One of the things a corporation does is it protects it's individual members from personal liability as a result of the company's business dealings.  So the corporation is like an insurance policy; which is what legal marriage really is: an insurance policy for the union.  But as you are aware, you can't drive or wash an insurance policy, so it's not a car.  You can't live in and move furniture into an insurance policy; so it's not a house, You can't groom and dress medical insurance; so it's not your body.  Likewise, you can't hug, squeeze, kiss, talk to, and share thoughts, hopes, and dreams with a license at the county clerks office; so it's not your marriage.  How many couples do you know of that, in spite of having the "papers", cheat, they lack trust for one another, they sleep in separate beds,  they spend little or no time together, haven't had sex in months, and may even live in separate homes.

And as far as the wedding day goes (this is a favorite for the brides to be; us fellows just kind of show up in a properly fitting tux), this is a public announcement and celebration of your decision for "the two to become one".  Now don't get me wrong; marriage is the foundation for families, communities, businesses, churches, and nations: why wouldn't you celebrate it? Of course you should.  If you've got $100,000 to spend on a wedding, and you can really afford this, go for it!  Get the extravagant dresses, cakes, limos, stringers, rice, macaroni; all of that.  It truly is a big deal.  But how many people spend over $77,000 on a wedding, for a relationship that ends up proving itself in less than to years to be worth about 17 cents.   No my friends; the wedding is not truly the marriage either.

So what really is a marriage if this other stuff really aint? We'll discuss that next time.

Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint

Good morning everyone. As I began to write this, it's about, oh, um, we'll say 11:05 am Saturday morning; just dropped my daughter, Tyra, off at Glenbard West High school in a suburb about 19 miles west of Chicago. As you know, being a family man; married to a wonderful girl for 20 years with 4 kids and 2 extended kids (sorry, I'm not ready to embrace the title "grand daddy" yet; I feel too young for that still), as well as a pulpit minister for over 30 years, the subject of marriage and family is heavily on my mind and heart quite a bit. So I tend to be a bit sensitive to discussions, issues, and debates about this foundational matter.  

In recent times, the question has come up; "Is being homosexual the new black?" As Most of you are aware, there was a time in this country when people, particularly blacks, were denied certain rights and privileges simply because God used "the wrong crayon", in some peoples' opinion.  Well that was a few years ago. Thanks to legislative measures, as well as perseverance and some eventual common sense, much of that ignorance is behind us; not all of it, but most of it. Now, the issue shifts to "gay rights", including whether or not they should be recognized, by the law, to be "married", with all of the "legal" rights and privileges that accompanies the "legal" recognition. Conservative religious folks, mainly Christians,  lead the way in protesting and fighting against those rights (man, every freakin time I look around, we protestin somethin) , under the idea that homosexuals seek, through trying to legalize marriage for themselves, to "redefine" what marriage is.  Can they really do that? I mean, can they rrrrreeeeaaalllly redefine what marriage is? If you think they can; if you think that the spirit of what marriage is can be defined or redetermined by a legislative decision; by the stroke of a political pen, by "legal" recognition, than perhaps you don't really understand what the "spirit of marriage" truly is!  NO ONE has the power to redefine marriage!!!!!!! Even if you legislate it. That's because of what the "spirit" of marriage really is.  You couldn't even have a family business of any sort unless the spirit of marriage preceded.

So what really is the "spirit" of marriage? What really makes it the foundation of our family and society? What really makes it a safe-haven for children growing up? In the next few posts, I intend to address, in my God-given opinion, what marriage is, what it's not, and the significance of the legalities.  Want to weigh in? Feel free to share your comments. However, in the words of Sir Charles Barkley, in a recent series of cell phone commercials, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it."

Good evening saints, sinners, atheist, Muslims, homosexuals; I love you all, and invite you into the world of my mind and thoughts, and I look forward to reading and hearing some of your opinions on some of these matters as well.

We are continuing our discussion from a little over a week ago concerning the 4 Ps of parenting. This time around I'd like to deal with the fourth and final p which is "power", or energy; in fact, that's the word I really want to use here, energy. I said power because I needed a 4th p. In many circles power and energy mean the same thing. Any hoo, It takes a great deal of energy to raise and deal with these precious ones from birth all the way up to the wedding, military, or college date and beyond. You need enough energy to make sure diapers are changed in a timely a fashion. Most times diaper rash is due to either tired, forgetful, overwhelmed, or just plain ole negligent parents. It takes energy to cook proper healthy meals for them consistently instead of throwing together quick tasty crap like pizza and donuts with pop. It takes energy to see to it that their hairs are combed, teeth is brushed, clothes are wrinkled-free and clean, and butts are consistently washed. Faithful monitoring of their school work; checking their assignments on-line, attending school meetings, and maintaining communication with the teachers require this energy. Consistently supervising house-hold chores, maintaining and managing well kept shot records, getting them regular physicals and dental appointments, paying careful attention to each individual child's gifts, talents, weaknesses, and personalities; all while being a good role model and practicing what you preach, requires much energy. Being a good, attentive listener who gathers all of the facts before rushing to judgement and silly decisions requires energy.

Now, where does this energy come from? I will agree that it is difficult to maintain this type of energy, or power, on an ongoing and consistent basis throughout their childhood and teenage years, especially if you have more than two children. This is one reason why I highly recommend two-parent families. Your family business success is maximized by the energies of two people rather than just one. Now I'm not saying that a single mom or dad can't do it; indeed, many of them are doing a fantastic job. However, there are reasons why it takes a man and a woman to have a baby; I will discuss all of those reasons at a later time, but for the purpose of this discussion, one reason is because when the responsibility is shared by two, it is much easier for the both of them to conserve, maintain, and build up individual energy. Now I can understand why you'd have a single parent due to divorce, death, or military absence. There are even many young women out there who, as a result of enjoying themselves, end up pregnant by "accident"; thus becoming young single mothers, as apposed abortion. But what gets me is the many women out there who deliberately and purposely decide ahead of time to have a child without the partnership of a father. Once again; not that it can't be done, but if your intention is to give your child the very best, than two parents (mom and dad) is definitely the way to go. After all, two batteries supply more power than just one.

Now before some of you "on purpose" single moms get upset with me about my promotion of the energies of a mom and dad together, let me add that I believe I do understand why you would deliberately choose the single route. There are at least two things that God/Nature has programmed a woman to want in general, and that is a husband and a baby. Now you can argue with me, but I know I'm right. Ladies, this is not a bad thing. The problem, however, is that many times, in today's society, the baby seems to be much easier to get and keep than the man. Many of you would prefer both, but since there are no guarantees about securing the husband, you just decide to take your chances with just the baby and hope for the best. I get that; I'll be praying that God gives you the energy it takes to do a good job on your own.
But most of us could use some assistance.

Besides a partner, it also helps to be of sound mind and good health. Although some of you may be saying, "Daaaah, that should be obvious", you may be surprised at how many parents don't eat right, which includes fruits, vegetables, fiber, and plenty of water; as well as regular exercise. I get the feeling sometimes that we grow up and think that gym is just for grammar and high school (indeed, many of us only run for a bus). I saw on the news just the other day where a ninety year old woman was on the slopes skiing. Although there are some things you should mature past, you never out grow fun, recreation, and playing. These are some of the ways to replenish some energy and power.

Finally, I believe we all can benefit from some spiritual edification and inspiration. Whether you know it or not, you are an eternal spirit being having a temporary human experience; and you miss out on something very valuable and vital when you go through life ignoring your spiritual side. Now I'm not here to preach any particular religion. Some of you will say, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus", some of you will say, "Muhammad", and still others of you may say "Jehovah". And then some people will just meditate and do "yoga". Whatever your taste may be, we all should tap into the spirit force within to help generate some much needed energy.

In closing this discussion on the 4 Ps, if we as parents make it a practice and a habit of being patient, present, persistent, and full of power or energy, I believe our families, communities, companies, country, and world will have a much brighter future thanks, in great part, to great adults who were once raised by great parents.