Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint Part 2

Happy Thursday to you all. Chicago's an interesting place, as far as weather goes: 60 degrees one day, 37 the next.  This is what we go through in months like March and April. Well anyway let's continue this thought on what marriage really is, as far as the true spirit of it is concerned.  However, before we wrestle with what it is, let's first discuss what many believe it to be.  Many are under the impression that it's the $1700.00 diamond, 14k gold ring she and he sports on the fourth finger of the left hand.  How many marriages have been jeopardized by the loss or misplacement of this piece of jewelry, hmm?  Some people think it's the license, or in the words of some people, it's "the papers", "Oh I got papers on my man!"  A rrreeeaaaallyyy big deal is made over these "papers".  It's critically important to many people, especially conservative people, to have something recorded downtown that tells the world, "I legally got em".  Many will even say that God will get upset with you if you move in together without first securing these papers.  And still to others, it's the "wedding day" and all of the events leading up to it. Yaw know what I'm talking about; the invitations, the bridal showers, picking out the dress, the rehearsals, food for the reception, the ice sculpture, etc.

Are any of these things really the marriage? No, no, no! Now are they important to some degree? Yeeaahhh! Let's start with the ring: It is a 3 part symbol of what a marriage is ideally expected to be.  The diamond represents marriage's toughness, hardness, and splendor.  As the foundation of the family, marriage is expected to be the "solid rock" on which a family is built.  The diamond, besides it's beauty, is the hardest natural substance known to man. Then there is the second part of the ring, which is the gold portion; which represents marriage's purity and the idea that it should be resistant to outside forces and elements.  As you may know, gold is a precious metal that is highly resistant to rust, corrosion and tarnish.  Finally there is the third portion of the ring, which is it's shape and make up; an unbroken circle.  Like the ring, marriage is meant to be an unbroken circle where the husband and wife face each other, holding hands, and no one; mother, father, kids, next door neighbors, Bugs Bunny (lol), comes between them.  Now if your marriage does not really experience these characteristics, wearing a freakin ring isn't going to help, now is it?  On the flip side, the absence of a ring doesn't mean that these characteristics do not exist.

Well, what about the license, or the "papers"; the legalities of the union.  This means that the government recognizes the two of you as a legal partnership.  The state sees the two of you as a legal entity, much like a company or a corporation. Your relationship sort of becomes a "business", thus, there are special benefits that the state will bestow upon this union as a result.  According to the law, there are about 1400 different legal benefits and privileges to having a clerk recorded marriage. Many of these "benefits", however, only really kick in in the event that something goes wrong in the relationship, such as death benefits, the ability to make critical decisions when the other is too sick or comatosed to do so for themselves, or in the case of a divorce.  One of the things a corporation does is it protects it's individual members from personal liability as a result of the company's business dealings.  So the corporation is like an insurance policy; which is what legal marriage really is: an insurance policy for the union.  But as you are aware, you can't drive or wash an insurance policy, so it's not a car.  You can't live in and move furniture into an insurance policy; so it's not a house, You can't groom and dress medical insurance; so it's not your body.  Likewise, you can't hug, squeeze, kiss, talk to, and share thoughts, hopes, and dreams with a license at the county clerks office; so it's not your marriage.  How many couples do you know of that, in spite of having the "papers", cheat, they lack trust for one another, they sleep in separate beds,  they spend little or no time together, haven't had sex in months, and may even live in separate homes.

And as far as the wedding day goes (this is a favorite for the brides to be; us fellows just kind of show up in a properly fitting tux), this is a public announcement and celebration of your decision for "the two to become one".  Now don't get me wrong; marriage is the foundation for families, communities, businesses, churches, and nations: why wouldn't you celebrate it? Of course you should.  If you've got $100,000 to spend on a wedding, and you can really afford this, go for it!  Get the extravagant dresses, cakes, limos, stringers, rice, macaroni; all of that.  It truly is a big deal.  But how many people spend over $77,000 on a wedding, for a relationship that ends up proving itself in less than to years to be worth about 17 cents.   No my friends; the wedding is not truly the marriage either.

So what really is a marriage if this other stuff really aint? We'll discuss that next time.

Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint

Good morning everyone. As I began to write this, it's about, oh, um, we'll say 11:05 am Saturday morning; just dropped my daughter, Tyra, off at Glenbard West High school in a suburb about 19 miles west of Chicago. As you know, being a family man; married to a wonderful girl for 20 years with 4 kids and 2 extended kids (sorry, I'm not ready to embrace the title "grand daddy" yet; I feel too young for that still), as well as a pulpit minister for over 30 years, the subject of marriage and family is heavily on my mind and heart quite a bit. So I tend to be a bit sensitive to discussions, issues, and debates about this foundational matter.  

In recent times, the question has come up; "Is being homosexual the new black?" As Most of you are aware, there was a time in this country when people, particularly blacks, were denied certain rights and privileges simply because God used "the wrong crayon", in some peoples' opinion.  Well that was a few years ago. Thanks to legislative measures, as well as perseverance and some eventual common sense, much of that ignorance is behind us; not all of it, but most of it. Now, the issue shifts to "gay rights", including whether or not they should be recognized, by the law, to be "married", with all of the "legal" rights and privileges that accompanies the "legal" recognition. Conservative religious folks, mainly Christians,  lead the way in protesting and fighting against those rights (man, every freakin time I look around, we protestin somethin) , under the idea that homosexuals seek, through trying to legalize marriage for themselves, to "redefine" what marriage is.  Can they really do that? I mean, can they rrrrreeeeaaalllly redefine what marriage is? If you think they can; if you think that the spirit of what marriage is can be defined or redetermined by a legislative decision; by the stroke of a political pen, by "legal" recognition, than perhaps you don't really understand what the "spirit of marriage" truly is!  NO ONE has the power to redefine marriage!!!!!!! Even if you legislate it. That's because of what the "spirit" of marriage really is.  You couldn't even have a family business of any sort unless the spirit of marriage preceded.

So what really is the "spirit" of marriage? What really makes it the foundation of our family and society? What really makes it a safe-haven for children growing up? In the next few posts, I intend to address, in my God-given opinion, what marriage is, what it's not, and the significance of the legalities.  Want to weigh in? Feel free to share your comments. However, in the words of Sir Charles Barkley, in a recent series of cell phone commercials, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it."

Good evening saints, sinners, atheist, Muslims, homosexuals; I love you all, and invite you into the world of my mind and thoughts, and I look forward to reading and hearing some of your opinions on some of these matters as well.

We are continuing our discussion from a little over a week ago concerning the 4 Ps of parenting. This time around I'd like to deal with the fourth and final p which is "power", or energy; in fact, that's the word I really want to use here, energy. I said power because I needed a 4th p. In many circles power and energy mean the same thing. Any hoo, It takes a great deal of energy to raise and deal with these precious ones from birth all the way up to the wedding, military, or college date and beyond. You need enough energy to make sure diapers are changed in a timely a fashion. Most times diaper rash is due to either tired, forgetful, overwhelmed, or just plain ole negligent parents. It takes energy to cook proper healthy meals for them consistently instead of throwing together quick tasty crap like pizza and donuts with pop. It takes energy to see to it that their hairs are combed, teeth is brushed, clothes are wrinkled-free and clean, and butts are consistently washed. Faithful monitoring of their school work; checking their assignments on-line, attending school meetings, and maintaining communication with the teachers require this energy. Consistently supervising house-hold chores, maintaining and managing well kept shot records, getting them regular physicals and dental appointments, paying careful attention to each individual child's gifts, talents, weaknesses, and personalities; all while being a good role model and practicing what you preach, requires much energy. Being a good, attentive listener who gathers all of the facts before rushing to judgement and silly decisions requires energy.

Now, where does this energy come from? I will agree that it is difficult to maintain this type of energy, or power, on an ongoing and consistent basis throughout their childhood and teenage years, especially if you have more than two children. This is one reason why I highly recommend two-parent families. Your family business success is maximized by the energies of two people rather than just one. Now I'm not saying that a single mom or dad can't do it; indeed, many of them are doing a fantastic job. However, there are reasons why it takes a man and a woman to have a baby; I will discuss all of those reasons at a later time, but for the purpose of this discussion, one reason is because when the responsibility is shared by two, it is much easier for the both of them to conserve, maintain, and build up individual energy. Now I can understand why you'd have a single parent due to divorce, death, or military absence. There are even many young women out there who, as a result of enjoying themselves, end up pregnant by "accident"; thus becoming young single mothers, as apposed abortion. But what gets me is the many women out there who deliberately and purposely decide ahead of time to have a child without the partnership of a father. Once again; not that it can't be done, but if your intention is to give your child the very best, than two parents (mom and dad) is definitely the way to go. After all, two batteries supply more power than just one.

Now before some of you "on purpose" single moms get upset with me about my promotion of the energies of a mom and dad together, let me add that I believe I do understand why you would deliberately choose the single route. There are at least two things that God/Nature has programmed a woman to want in general, and that is a husband and a baby. Now you can argue with me, but I know I'm right. Ladies, this is not a bad thing. The problem, however, is that many times, in today's society, the baby seems to be much easier to get and keep than the man. Many of you would prefer both, but since there are no guarantees about securing the husband, you just decide to take your chances with just the baby and hope for the best. I get that; I'll be praying that God gives you the energy it takes to do a good job on your own.
But most of us could use some assistance.

Besides a partner, it also helps to be of sound mind and good health. Although some of you may be saying, "Daaaah, that should be obvious", you may be surprised at how many parents don't eat right, which includes fruits, vegetables, fiber, and plenty of water; as well as regular exercise. I get the feeling sometimes that we grow up and think that gym is just for grammar and high school (indeed, many of us only run for a bus). I saw on the news just the other day where a ninety year old woman was on the slopes skiing. Although there are some things you should mature past, you never out grow fun, recreation, and playing. These are some of the ways to replenish some energy and power.

Finally, I believe we all can benefit from some spiritual edification and inspiration. Whether you know it or not, you are an eternal spirit being having a temporary human experience; and you miss out on something very valuable and vital when you go through life ignoring your spiritual side. Now I'm not here to preach any particular religion. Some of you will say, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus", some of you will say, "Muhammad", and still others of you may say "Jehovah". And then some people will just meditate and do "yoga". Whatever your taste may be, we all should tap into the spirit force within to help generate some much needed energy.

In closing this discussion on the 4 Ps, if we as parents make it a practice and a habit of being patient, present, persistent, and full of power or energy, I believe our families, communities, companies, country, and world will have a much brighter future thanks, in great part, to great adults who were once raised by great parents.

Happy Friday(TGIF)to everyone today. I'm going to try to get through this in spite of a some-what painful left hand. Last time we considered the 2nd P of our discussion which was "patience". This time we'll continue on with the 3rd which is "persistence". I don't know how many of you parents feel the way I'm about to describe, but have you ever felt tired or exhausted from having to say the same freakin thing over, and over..........and over again; huh? Every d**mn day it's either the dishes, or their room, or their clothes, or their homework, or the garbage, or_______________; just fill in the blank. At first, you may think that this young person may have "down syndrome" that the doctors some how missed. Or that they may just simply be, I don't know, stupid or something. Why in the world does this person need to be told the same thing over and over again? Doesn't this child understand that I need their help, and that I'm not just assigning chores for my amusement?

Now, some parents claim to have an answer to this problem; "Well, I just beats they ass!", or, "I'd whoop the hell outa em!". Or maybe some of you more sophisticated, modern parents may say, "Perhaps a time out is in order.", or even, "I'll suspend a desired privilege." Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that these methods wouldn't provide some cooperative motivation on the part of your kid; scaring people into cooperation does work. But I do need to tell you that using scare tactics is not operating in love; at least not perfect love. Oh, you disagree; "It worked for my momma and grand momma, and It works for me, and you can't tell me I don't love my kids", you say. Well I can almost assure you that even though you may "beat the hell out of them" with good intentions, they aren't feeling the "love" at the time of the "disciplinary assault". All you are doing is planting seeds of wrath and resentment in them, which leads to division, alienation, and a break down in communication in the latter teen years. Just because a shovel works doesn't mean I won't take my money and go get a snow blower.

Listen; these are your kids; that means they instinctively love you and, thus, really mean you, as their parents, no harm. At times, when they appear to disobey, not hear you, not do what you tell them to do, etc..... it's not because they are deliberately trying to defy you; they simply need your loving, attentive persistence to perpetually push them along towards maturity. Let me explain something about us as we enter this world as new babies: WE COME HERE SELFISH!!! Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing; as babies. You see, babies can't talk, can't walk, can't dress, feed, clean, or buy for themselves. That's why they cry, scream and holla, with no regards to whether or not it's an inconvenience to you. The selfishness is a survival mechanism designed to protect them from starvation, sickness, serious diaper rash, and conditions such as freezing or heat strokes. As these babies continue to grow into toddlers, children, and even adolescents, however, the survival mechanism of selfishness tends to linger on in them, even though they no longer need it as much. Therefore, they naturally try to avoid anything that's not "fun", enjoyable, or comfortable; even though it may be needed to help you in and around the house; or to achieve good grades in school.
For this, they need your persistent help. This is a mechanism that has to be worked out of them over time. And furthermore, this needs to start as soon as they are old enough to put together sentences and safely walk up and down the stairs on their own. Once started, you, as the parent, should persistently work with them throughout their childhood; with the dishes, with the laundry, with cleaning their rooms, cutting grass, taking out the trash, ironing, cooking, etc. And there shouldn't be a certain household chore or job for girls or boys only. Teach both to do it ALL. This is why you need to always be "present" and "patient", so that your "persistence" becomes much more effective.

If you will commit yourself to being lovingly persistent in your parenting supervision, you'll find that eventually, as they get older, consistency in your present and patient persistence will create gradual "programming" which will cause them, at some point, to assist you on auto pilot. "But", you say, "That sounds like a lot of work!", and your right; it IS a lot of work: that's what you signed up for honey. This is why you need the last and final P, which is "power"; which we'll discuss next time.

The Four Ps of Parenting Part 2

Well hello to you all; how is everyone doing? Well today, here in Chi-town, the weather is warmer, the snow is melting, and the pot holes are forming! Praise God!!! Anyway we are continuing the 4 Ps of parenting with the 2nd which is ‘Patience”. You have some parents that may be present, but they’re not very patient. For you Bible readers, one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience.

Why should a parent be patient? Let me explain it this way: Is there anyone out there who knows anything about cooking? Then you are familiar with “slow cooking” (you may even have a crock pot). What does slow cooking do for your meat? My experience is that it makes for nice easy to chew, juicy, tender meat; and it makes good natural gravy. What does this have to do with your kids? Your kids are a work in progress. From the moment of conception (when she first gets pregnant) everything that person can and will be as a full grown person is ALREADY embedded in that embryo! As a side note: For those of you wrestling with the abortion question as to whether an embryo is a real, full, human person; God told me to tell you that the answer is YES; period!!! Any hooo, just like good tender meat takes time to properly cook, your child takes time to mature and grow in wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. It is no wonder why childhood is from birth to approximately 12 to 13 years old.

In recent years, the microwave oven has become a part of the regular kitchen appliance line-up. My observation, however, is that although the microwave may be good for heating warm coffee, it is not good for cooking good meals. Unfortunately, some of us want “microwave kids”; we want them to be able to walk, talk, clean their own asses, clean a house according to our specifications, get a job, and make good wise decisions, before theirs first tooth!!! Oh I’m wrong, huh? Look how much time it takes for moms to put away the breast in exchange for the bottle. We are impatient! Another side note; when should you put away the breast? A good guide is when your child is old enough to verbally ask for strawberry Kool Aid instead of milk (about 2 years at least).

As your children are learning, growing, and figuring out how life in their brand new body works, they need your loving, patient guidance to help see them through. When you are patient with them they become “tender” for you; in other words they are easy and cooperative to work with; even in their teenage years. And furthermore, when you are
patient, they become “gravy” for you; in other words not only do they have character that “tastes” good, but when they are “adults in training (teenagers), and during times when you are tired, stressed, and threatened to be overwhelmed by domestic and career responsibilities, they can “cover’ you by taking up some of the slack.

Next time we’ll take a look at the 3rd P, Persistence; see ya.

The Four P's To Parenting Part 1

Greetings to you all. Well it's been a while since I last contributed my thoughts for your consideration, so I'd like to do that today. L left off last time mentioning the 4 P's of parenting which are; presence, patience, persistence, and finally power. Allow me to break these 4 down starting with presence. If you imagine yourself to be an effective parent to your children and adults-in-training (teenagers), then there is no substitute for being physically and emotionally available to them, starting from birth!!!

At the risk of making anyone feel bad or guilty (that is not the intention of this forum), one of the biggest disappointments to parenting, as far as I'm concerned, is our societies' need for day care. Let me be absolutely clear: Mothers are designed by God to physically care for their own babies around the clock!!! You see, Mother Nature equipped you with something day care could never provide for your precious little one; breasts full of milk! What's the significance of this you ask? God told me to tell you that when a baby is forming in her mother's womb, milk is naturally and systematically forming at the same time to meet the physical and neurological needs of your baby in particular. That means the milk forming in your breasts is designed to meet the needs of that baby only! No one else's baby but yours!
If you had four kids at four different times, the milk formed at each pregnancy was different!!! Did you know that? Now I'm not trying to speak a bad word against Similac, for example; thank goodness for them. All I'm saying is that if your baby isn't getting the benefit of the milk specifically and personally designed for him, he's missing something important that can only come from mom's presence. It's unfortunate that having to get out and work a job interferes with this very important time in a baby's life.

Since we as a society have comfortably placed our babies in the hands of day care, by the time they are eight, twelve, and sixteen years old we think nothing of being so busy with other things (work, church, bingo, extra marital affairs, etc.), we don't really know our kids, and they don't know us! And we wonder why is it that we have such a tough time relating to our teens. If you want a solid and positive influence on your teens, it starts with always being there for them from the early years. You need to be there for their first words, the first tooth, the first steps, the first fever and trip to the doctor; the first tears from a scraped knee. Be there for the first trip to kindergarten, and so on. If you start this trend of being there from the start; both moms and dads, the teenage years won't be so tough.

A final word about being present; it's not just physically being seen, but it's emotionally being involved.
There are parents who think that just because they're around the house that this counts for being present. But watching All My Children, washing clothes, and changing the oil in the garage doesn't really count, unless you invite your kids to do it with you. The key is Present Interaction; it's about relationship building that starts with buying diapers and continues with their drivers learning permit.

In my next piece we'll consider the second P, which is Patience. Stay tuned.

Train Up A Child

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” These words are taken from a very familiar source: the Bible. No, I am not here to open up the scriptures and deliver a sermon (although I'm sort of use to that). However, in a day and time when more and more people seem to complain about the disrespectful, lazy, fowl mouthed, and undisciplined generation that appears to be developing on the seen today, one has to wonder if we shouldn't be re-visiting this timeless passage of scripture for a timely solution.

When I was in 6th grade (I'm 45 years old today; you figure out how long ago that was), I had a teacher named Mr. McCarthy at Michelle Clark Middle School on Chicago's great west side. During one particular class session, the teacher randomly went around the class asking different students to answer time table problems. He would look at me, for example, and say, rather suddenly, “Seven times eight is what?”. And if the answer was anything other than “56”, my hand was in trouble; because he had a wooden ruler wrapped in electrical tape that he would whack you with if you got the answer wrong. And it didn't do me any good to complain to my parents about this, because they were in full agreement with this “method of education”. Needless to say, not only was I no trouble to my parents or teachers, but I mastered my time tables quite well; thank you very much. (for legal and career reasons, I wouldn't recommend this method to educators today).

Now I'm not saying that we should run out to Office Max, purchase a ruler, wrap it with tape, and start whacking a bunch of kids. However, if we take the above scripture, break it on down, and faithfully apply it to our offspring today (you really don't have to be religious to do this), I know we'll have better success with our children today and tomorrow . I've sited three (3) steps to child training. They are:

1. Modeling or example setting. Have you ever heard the phrase, “what you're doing speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying”? You can't puff on cancer sticks (cigarettes) and tell a child not to smoke. Nor can you “cuss” like a sailor and expect your child to speak like the angels. It just don't work like that (please excuse my Ebonics here). No where else is the phrase “practice what you preach” more critically important than in the raising of children. You've got to “show them” how it's done; believe me, they're watching.

2.Verbal dialogue conduction. Please, do not make the common mistake of thinking that your “good” habits are automatically picked up by your children without checking with them. How do you do that: You talk to them. You should “show and tell”. When do you start doing this? As soon as they are able to talk and hold a conversation (somewhere between 2 and 4 years old). This brings me to the very important matter of what is a child. Before we get to number 3, let me give some insight on this. Because of the “so called” legal age of 18 for smoking and porn, and 21 for drinking, we have a tendency of calling 15 and 16 year olds “kids”. Without going into great detail here, nature sort of dictates that the moment a human is biologically able to produce offspring, they are no longer children, even if you still want to legally label them or treat them as such! Sure, they still need to continue growing and maturing mentally, emotionally, educationally, economically, and experientially. But you can't deny what nature is causing them to feel in their souls. And they tend to rebel against anyone who tries to challenge,ignore, or deny this.

Childhood stretches from birth to around 12 or 13 years old. Beyond this, they are adults in training. As early as 3 to 5 you should require that they help you around the house (cooking, cleaning, moping; stuff like that). Never mind that they are still to little to do some things on their own. They aren't to young to assist you. Show patience, even if they mess up; they're learning. If you do this consistently throughout their childhood years, you won't have to threaten, yell, and scream at them to get them to do these things when they are “adults in training” (and when they are old, they won't depart). When children are young, it's important to them to impress their parents, but as they get to be “adults in training”, impressing their friends becomes the order of their young lives. So get em' while they're young; real young.

3. Finally, scripture also talks about the “rod of correction”. This really only works if you've. done the first two steps and they know that you love them. When they fail to notice your example, and they ignore your words, some form of discipline or punishment can help get their attention. A couple of whacks on the bottom should do the trick (trust me; it won't kill or traumatize them). This should not be done just because they've made you angry or have finally gotten on you “last nerves”. This should be done in a calm but firm manner, with the spirit of teaching in mind. There are times when these little people simply don't understand anything but a swift, precise whack on the backside. “But wait a minute”, you may be saying; “what about time-out?” I'm not saying not to do that; try it. If it works for your child, by all means, do it. Some children respond well to the “time out” method of correction. You may even try withholding a favorite toy, activity, or TV show. Or threaten to give em' Castor Oil (lol). I'm just giving you the most quick and effective way to bring them around. You'll discover that if you make this a practice when they are really children, then you won't have to jump on them and beat the “hell” out of them when they are older (adults in training that is).

You'll find that if you follow these simple steps to training up a child (before they hit puberty) in the way that they should go: Setting a good example, verbal dialogue and instruction, and the rod of correction; that the teen-age years really don't have to be a parent's “nightmare” after all.

One final thought on this subject before I leave you here: Parenting can be a tough job; but somebody has to do it. And if you are one of those individuals or couples that have children, then the job is yours! During these important years of child training and raising, you need what I call the 4 Ps of parenting: Presence, patience, persistence, and power (or “energy”. Hey, energy is a better word than “power”, but I needed a forth word that starts with the letter “P”). I'll explain these 4 Ps in more detail in my next discussion.