For the past several weeks we've considered what marriage is and is not. However, with the divorce rate hovering around 50%, not to mention the multitude of unhappy people who decide to stay together and "hang in there" for a variety of reasons including the kids and "God", What's the freakin point anyway? It continues to curiously interest me how so many people still want get married in spite of the high failure rate. Even homosexuals are fighting for the right to join together in "holy matrimony". What's so special to us about being married; why do we insist on it?
In an attempt to answer this question, it helps to understand that at its core, marriage is deeper than a piece of paper kept at the county clerks office. In fact, (brace yourselves) did you know that, considering the true spirit of what marriage is, you can be married without the paper? And on the flip side, you can have the paper but not have a real marriage? Oh yes boys and girls; it's true. For you see, in spirit, marriage is two souls (or in some cases at least two or more) committed to multilevel intimacy: which two people are at liberty to do with or without a certificate, ring, or church wedding. You don't need government, pastoral, or parental approval to do this. Straight or gay you can make this genuine commitment to another anywhere, anytime. You can do it whether you choose to live together or not; though most people choose to share a space. Now am I advocating shacking-up or gay marriage? No! I'm simply acknowledging what the spirit of marriage is and why we want it. This intimacy is what the soul craves. At our core we want to know and be known by at least one other special person at a deep level. As humans we are designed to want to share the important aspects of our lives with a significant other; and we want to do it emotionally, sexually, and financially. Show me a man that won't give his money to or spend his money on a woman, and I'll show you a man who's either broke or not in love with her.
So you see marriage, whether legal or unofficial, is something the vast majority of us want to experience at some point in our lives. However, when it comes to the issue of sex, many people don't understand what's the big deal about this "requirement" to be married, or abstain if you're not. In other words many people feel as though, in spite of not being ready to get married, they feel more than ready to enjoy sex. Their bodies are yearning, burning, and craving for something hard or wet (Oh come on now, those are not pornographic words, just facts; lighten up people). If I'm hot and horny and having wet dreams, isn't that nature and my body's way of telling me to go get some? After all, when my mouth is wet (watering) that's a sign to go get a sandwich, not deny myself of one; right? Why should sex, since that's what nature wired me for, be any different? Hmmmmm! That's a good question. It's easy for a married, holy, sanctified, water-baptized in the fire, "spirit" filled christian to tell you, "Don't do it!", but you're the one trying to substitute a cold shower and scripture reading with sexual healing. What's the problem with gettin some outside of marriage, Why does the Bible and religion discourage it?
There are three (3) basic, primary, and unofficial good reasons. I call them spirit-of-the-law reasons. It's part of what I like to call the "matrimonial insurance policy" or "mip" for short. Those three reasons are: a. To be an incubated safe haven to birth and raise children. b. Protection against sexually transmitted diseases. c. Protection against a broken heart, hurt feelings, and emotional injury due to unfulfilled romantic expectations. We will discuss the first of these three in my next post.
BD Wedding Favors
Chocolate.com
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is/What It Aint Part 6
Well once again it is a tremendous blessing to come and be in this space with you all today. A little over three weeks ago I had emergency surgery to have a very sick appendix removed; I thank God that I'm healing up slowly and nicely. Well this is the finale post on this subject on marriage and what people believe it to be versus what it really truly is. The third of the big 3 is finally "financial intimacy"; which means being willing to make some money, share the money, and manage it wisely.
I remember when I first met and fell in love with my wife Yolanda, I took my first "big" check, which was about $268.00, and spent most of it on her taking grocery shopping. You see back then most of the jobs I had only paid me about 6 bucks an hour, or about 200 bucks a week. However, whatever I had, I wanted to spend it on her; and 20 years later, I still do. I believe most real men who's worth anything at all love to spend money on the woman they love. In fact, some men will spend money on a woman they barely know or haven't even had sex with just based on the fact that she's pretty to look at. However, since I've been married I've discovered that it's not just I who want to spend money on her, but she wants to spend just as much if not more money on me. When you're in love with someone it's only natural that you want to share the wealth with them by making a purchase for their benefit. Other than simply not having the money due to deep debt and a very tight budget, low income, or unemployment, show me a man and woman who won't share or spend money on each other, and I'll show you a relationship in trouble; It's just that simple.
Now part of this intimacy is the handling of money and whether or not one can maturely manage and be trusted with it. It's one thing to spend money on her; but it's another thing to actually give her or him the credit card or checkbook to go out and get it for themselves. I say it all of the time, just in case you haven't heard it before, that marriage is for mature adults only; not kids whose birth certificate declares them to be over 21. You do know that there are far too many immature adults well over 21, don't you? Their immaturity shows up not just in the way they respond to and treat each other in times of disagreement, but also in how they handle money. When you spend everything you have no matter how much you make and never save, that's immature. When in spite of having more than enough money, the lights have to get turned off before the bill is paid, that's immature. When you take part of the mortgage money to buy a purse for $275 when you've already got enough of them to switch up every day for the next two months, that's immature. Constantly spending money on you and never on the other; now that's just selfish. These examples of financial immaturity can lead to stressful problems in the relationship. Not only can they eventually put your household finances in a bind, but soon the other person will simply start to fill unloved, unappreciated, and taken for granted.
Sometimes, being financially mature and responsible can simply mean being man or woman enough to admit that you're not as good with money as you need to be and allowing the other person (who hopefully is much better at it than you; God forbid both of you suck at it) to take control and take the responsibility of money management. Now this can be the man or woman; just because you're the man doesn't necessarily mean you should be in charge of the money. Just because you work and he or she may not doesn't mean you should be in charge. Just because you make the most doesn't mean you should be in charge of management. It should be based on whose money skills are better developed. Sometimes the person who makes the most also childishly blows the most money. Being a mature couple means understanding that your relationship is a team or partnership, thus recognizing each others talents, strengths, gifts, skills, knowledge, as well as admitting weaknesses and short comings, thus making the team financially more effective.
Finally, unless one is medically documented to be physically disabled, temporarily unemployed and looking for work, in school preparing for work, or it has been mutually agreed upon that one stays home to care for the house and children, each individual ought to be contributing to the household finances. It shouldn't matter who makes the most (in today's economy and careers, the woman is likely to make just as much if not more than the man), you are a team working together any way. A man who feels intimidated by a woman making more needs to go back to the drawing board and check the definition of a real man. And a woman who allows her larger paycheck to make her feel superior to him needs to go sit down some where and understand her role in the relationship, which is to be an assistant and a help meet. In fact, both the man and woman are assistants to each other helping to meet the needs of one another. If you have a job or career that you are happy with and that fulfills you, then be proud of it regardless of what you make. But if you are a mentally and physically healthy person who won't work and contribute to the economic stability of the family business, and you don't cook or clean; thus putting all of the financial burden on the other person, then what the hell good are you? Many times these people have the nerve and audacity to eat up most of the food, drink all of the Kool Aid, and drive out most of the gas. You shouldn't spend most of the money when you make none of it, especially if you're spending it on crap for your own personal pleasure. If you're not working right now, seek other ways to contribute to the relationship instead of draining it: wash a car or a dish, do the laundry, mow the lawn, cook (or learn how, then cook), get involved with the church or community service, but don't just sit on your ass and take, take, take! Many relationships turn sour and end due to serious problems in money matters.
One other thought on this subject of financial intimacy: it is OK if you take some of your individual cash and keep it to yourself. Intimacy and sharing doesn't have to mean totally giving up your personal financial identity (assuming you have one). It's all right to have your own personal checking and savings account in addition to the joint; just make sure that, as a married couple, the household family business is straight and taken care of first. Personal "pocket change" is cool. My point here is that when you truly love each other, financial intimacy is a privilege, not a burden.
I remember when I first met and fell in love with my wife Yolanda, I took my first "big" check, which was about $268.00, and spent most of it on her taking grocery shopping. You see back then most of the jobs I had only paid me about 6 bucks an hour, or about 200 bucks a week. However, whatever I had, I wanted to spend it on her; and 20 years later, I still do. I believe most real men who's worth anything at all love to spend money on the woman they love. In fact, some men will spend money on a woman they barely know or haven't even had sex with just based on the fact that she's pretty to look at. However, since I've been married I've discovered that it's not just I who want to spend money on her, but she wants to spend just as much if not more money on me. When you're in love with someone it's only natural that you want to share the wealth with them by making a purchase for their benefit. Other than simply not having the money due to deep debt and a very tight budget, low income, or unemployment, show me a man and woman who won't share or spend money on each other, and I'll show you a relationship in trouble; It's just that simple.
Now part of this intimacy is the handling of money and whether or not one can maturely manage and be trusted with it. It's one thing to spend money on her; but it's another thing to actually give her or him the credit card or checkbook to go out and get it for themselves. I say it all of the time, just in case you haven't heard it before, that marriage is for mature adults only; not kids whose birth certificate declares them to be over 21. You do know that there are far too many immature adults well over 21, don't you? Their immaturity shows up not just in the way they respond to and treat each other in times of disagreement, but also in how they handle money. When you spend everything you have no matter how much you make and never save, that's immature. When in spite of having more than enough money, the lights have to get turned off before the bill is paid, that's immature. When you take part of the mortgage money to buy a purse for $275 when you've already got enough of them to switch up every day for the next two months, that's immature. Constantly spending money on you and never on the other; now that's just selfish. These examples of financial immaturity can lead to stressful problems in the relationship. Not only can they eventually put your household finances in a bind, but soon the other person will simply start to fill unloved, unappreciated, and taken for granted.
Sometimes, being financially mature and responsible can simply mean being man or woman enough to admit that you're not as good with money as you need to be and allowing the other person (who hopefully is much better at it than you; God forbid both of you suck at it) to take control and take the responsibility of money management. Now this can be the man or woman; just because you're the man doesn't necessarily mean you should be in charge of the money. Just because you work and he or she may not doesn't mean you should be in charge. Just because you make the most doesn't mean you should be in charge of management. It should be based on whose money skills are better developed. Sometimes the person who makes the most also childishly blows the most money. Being a mature couple means understanding that your relationship is a team or partnership, thus recognizing each others talents, strengths, gifts, skills, knowledge, as well as admitting weaknesses and short comings, thus making the team financially more effective.
Finally, unless one is medically documented to be physically disabled, temporarily unemployed and looking for work, in school preparing for work, or it has been mutually agreed upon that one stays home to care for the house and children, each individual ought to be contributing to the household finances. It shouldn't matter who makes the most (in today's economy and careers, the woman is likely to make just as much if not more than the man), you are a team working together any way. A man who feels intimidated by a woman making more needs to go back to the drawing board and check the definition of a real man. And a woman who allows her larger paycheck to make her feel superior to him needs to go sit down some where and understand her role in the relationship, which is to be an assistant and a help meet. In fact, both the man and woman are assistants to each other helping to meet the needs of one another. If you have a job or career that you are happy with and that fulfills you, then be proud of it regardless of what you make. But if you are a mentally and physically healthy person who won't work and contribute to the economic stability of the family business, and you don't cook or clean; thus putting all of the financial burden on the other person, then what the hell good are you? Many times these people have the nerve and audacity to eat up most of the food, drink all of the Kool Aid, and drive out most of the gas. You shouldn't spend most of the money when you make none of it, especially if you're spending it on crap for your own personal pleasure. If you're not working right now, seek other ways to contribute to the relationship instead of draining it: wash a car or a dish, do the laundry, mow the lawn, cook (or learn how, then cook), get involved with the church or community service, but don't just sit on your ass and take, take, take! Many relationships turn sour and end due to serious problems in money matters.
One other thought on this subject of financial intimacy: it is OK if you take some of your individual cash and keep it to yourself. Intimacy and sharing doesn't have to mean totally giving up your personal financial identity (assuming you have one). It's all right to have your own personal checking and savings account in addition to the joint; just make sure that, as a married couple, the household family business is straight and taken care of first. Personal "pocket change" is cool. My point here is that when you truly love each other, financial intimacy is a privilege, not a burden.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint Part 5
Well happy Easter/Resurrection weekend to all of you. I just want to remind you at this time that this blog is dedicated to a wide and general audience, not just religious people. I mean after all, every body has families whether Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Mormon, Atheist, Scientific, or what ever; we all need to work at making our family business as successful as possible in order to improve society as a whole. So how ever you celebrate or don't celebrate Easter, I hope that the week end was an enjoyable one.
In the last post I mentioned that marriage is Multilevel Intimacy or MLI. The big 3 parts of this intimacy is spiritual/emotional, physical, and financial. Marital relationships, whether legal or common law, struggle or eventual end when there is a disconnect in these areas with emotional being the most important, in my opinion; which was discussed in the last post. This time I'd like to deal with number 2 of the big 3 which is "physical intimacy". Why is this part of the big 3 so important? First of all there is what I call "nature's factor". The Bible says "And the two shall become one flesh"; that's sexual y'all. Why does nature require us to become one flesh? The Bible also says, " Be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth". You see in the wonderful world of procreation 2 becomes 1 and then 1 becomes at least 3. You see what just happened? Nature requires us to give birth for the purpose of guaranteeing that human life goes on. Marriage, by nature, is about establishing families and perpetuating life on the planet. This is accomplished through physical intimacy. No offense meant here towards homosexual couples; I love you guys, but without a man and a woman coming together physically, human life does not go on; period! Even if you are born gay, it takes a man and a woman to produce the birth. Even if a gay couple adopts and raises a child, at some point a man and woman had to provide the opportunity. This is nature's reason why the population will always be overwhelmingly and predominately heterosexual.
For this reason, we are sexual beings. We are naturally designed to want sex; mainly for the purpose of being fertile. Now; listen closely: In order to guarantee that we would indeed engage enough in sexual activities so as to preserve the perpetuation of the population, nature fixed sex so that it would feel sooooooooooooo good, that we would do it; even when our minds tell us, or society tells, or our parents tell us, or our pastor tells us that we shouldn't! Men and women want sex; it's by divine design. Furthermore, as humans, good sex is healthy both physically as well as mentally. Unlike animals, humans have the mental capacity to enjoy sex, not just have it. A good orgasm releases chemicals in the body and brain that helps in the control of stress, sickness, and disease. Have you noticed that after a good sexual encounter how people tend to sleep better and be more relaxed? In addition, I personally believe that regular sex and orgasms is one important key to good prostate health in men, and may even help menstrual cramps in women when that time of the month rolls around. Having sex also may help the heart in that the heart rate increases with having sex. Also, for those of you who would like to loose weight, having sex burns calories; particularly for those of you who actually get actively involved in the session and don't just lie on your back while he or she does all of the work.
God has designed sex/physical intimacy to be so desirable that it is a basic need of human beings, much like eating fruits and vegetables. Notice I did not say like food or water; without these we would die soon. However, just like many of us go a long time without eating our veggies and yet still live, so to are many of us deprived of healthy and wholesome sex, and yet still live. However, just like deciding not to eat fruits causes you to miss something important in terms of vitamins and nutrients that may affect your good health in the long run, so to does going without sex have potentially negative affects on our health over a long period of time. Catholic priests, I love you guys and your ministry, but God aint never told you all not to marry for the purpose of ministry. Now if you can dedicate yourselves to celibacy with no problems, so be it. But look at some of the sex scandals that have come up in past years and see if it doesn't trace back to this requirement of celibacy. With all of this in mind, if you are married, either legally or common law, and you are withholding sex or using it for selfish control purposes, you're not operating in love, and you are weakening a very important part of your intimacy base. And then we wonder why our man, and many times woman, is seeing someone else on the side. If you aint cooking at home, don't be surprised if he or she sneaks off to a restaurant; do you hear what I'm saying?
One other note on physical intimacy before moving on: both men and women, particularly women, are designed by nature to have what I call a "baiting system" in order to arouse attraction physically. In other words, when a man sees a woman looking "hot", what ever his version of hot is, that's nature's bait of attraction. A woman sees a man's rippling muscles and tight buns of steel, that's nature's bait: That NEVER changes, even when you get married. In fact, if you're married, looking and smelling good is even more important than ever because the familiarity and commonality that marriage tends to produce has a way of reducing excitement over time, and sitting around the house looking like your grandmother or Aunt Jemima doesn't help. Trust me baby; if you're not looking good and sexy, someone else is. Stay sexy!
Next post we'll look at the 3rd of the big 3, financial intimacy; stay tuned.
In the last post I mentioned that marriage is Multilevel Intimacy or MLI. The big 3 parts of this intimacy is spiritual/emotional, physical, and financial. Marital relationships, whether legal or common law, struggle or eventual end when there is a disconnect in these areas with emotional being the most important, in my opinion; which was discussed in the last post. This time I'd like to deal with number 2 of the big 3 which is "physical intimacy". Why is this part of the big 3 so important? First of all there is what I call "nature's factor". The Bible says "And the two shall become one flesh"; that's sexual y'all. Why does nature require us to become one flesh? The Bible also says, " Be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth". You see in the wonderful world of procreation 2 becomes 1 and then 1 becomes at least 3. You see what just happened? Nature requires us to give birth for the purpose of guaranteeing that human life goes on. Marriage, by nature, is about establishing families and perpetuating life on the planet. This is accomplished through physical intimacy. No offense meant here towards homosexual couples; I love you guys, but without a man and a woman coming together physically, human life does not go on; period! Even if you are born gay, it takes a man and a woman to produce the birth. Even if a gay couple adopts and raises a child, at some point a man and woman had to provide the opportunity. This is nature's reason why the population will always be overwhelmingly and predominately heterosexual.
For this reason, we are sexual beings. We are naturally designed to want sex; mainly for the purpose of being fertile. Now; listen closely: In order to guarantee that we would indeed engage enough in sexual activities so as to preserve the perpetuation of the population, nature fixed sex so that it would feel sooooooooooooo good, that we would do it; even when our minds tell us, or society tells, or our parents tell us, or our pastor tells us that we shouldn't! Men and women want sex; it's by divine design. Furthermore, as humans, good sex is healthy both physically as well as mentally. Unlike animals, humans have the mental capacity to enjoy sex, not just have it. A good orgasm releases chemicals in the body and brain that helps in the control of stress, sickness, and disease. Have you noticed that after a good sexual encounter how people tend to sleep better and be more relaxed? In addition, I personally believe that regular sex and orgasms is one important key to good prostate health in men, and may even help menstrual cramps in women when that time of the month rolls around. Having sex also may help the heart in that the heart rate increases with having sex. Also, for those of you who would like to loose weight, having sex burns calories; particularly for those of you who actually get actively involved in the session and don't just lie on your back while he or she does all of the work.
God has designed sex/physical intimacy to be so desirable that it is a basic need of human beings, much like eating fruits and vegetables. Notice I did not say like food or water; without these we would die soon. However, just like many of us go a long time without eating our veggies and yet still live, so to are many of us deprived of healthy and wholesome sex, and yet still live. However, just like deciding not to eat fruits causes you to miss something important in terms of vitamins and nutrients that may affect your good health in the long run, so to does going without sex have potentially negative affects on our health over a long period of time. Catholic priests, I love you guys and your ministry, but God aint never told you all not to marry for the purpose of ministry. Now if you can dedicate yourselves to celibacy with no problems, so be it. But look at some of the sex scandals that have come up in past years and see if it doesn't trace back to this requirement of celibacy. With all of this in mind, if you are married, either legally or common law, and you are withholding sex or using it for selfish control purposes, you're not operating in love, and you are weakening a very important part of your intimacy base. And then we wonder why our man, and many times woman, is seeing someone else on the side. If you aint cooking at home, don't be surprised if he or she sneaks off to a restaurant; do you hear what I'm saying?
One other note on physical intimacy before moving on: both men and women, particularly women, are designed by nature to have what I call a "baiting system" in order to arouse attraction physically. In other words, when a man sees a woman looking "hot", what ever his version of hot is, that's nature's bait of attraction. A woman sees a man's rippling muscles and tight buns of steel, that's nature's bait: That NEVER changes, even when you get married. In fact, if you're married, looking and smelling good is even more important than ever because the familiarity and commonality that marriage tends to produce has a way of reducing excitement over time, and sitting around the house looking like your grandmother or Aunt Jemima doesn't help. Trust me baby; if you're not looking good and sexy, someone else is. Stay sexy!
Next post we'll look at the 3rd of the big 3, financial intimacy; stay tuned.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What it Aint Part 4
Greetings to everyone who has tuned in at this time, I hope that you are doing quite well. After the pain associated with having a very sick appendix and having it removed a couple of weeks ago, I'm feeling better. Well, last time we left off by stating that what marriage "really" is is spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial intimacy. I would like to combine spiritual and emotional intimacy as one because, I believe, emotion is the language of the soul. Think of emotion as "E"nergy in motion", which is sort of what spirit is.
Yes boys and girls, Multilevel Intimacy is what marriage is. Without MLI (Multilevel Intimacy) the symbols and legalities mean nothing. Did you know that you can have MLI without the symbols and legalities? Yeah, you really can; there are high school girlfriends and boyfriends with better MLI than many grown married folks. This starts with emotional intimacy which is the deepest level of MLI. Have you noticed that many times when a relationship is fresh and new, that two people can spend hours talking, whether on the phone or in person; they can talk all night long until the sun comes up, without appearing exhausted. This is because of the emotional energy they feed one another during these initial stages. This is when souls come together and began to engage one another; when minds began to "hug and kiss". Sometimes it's so intense that their thoughts seem to be your thoughts, and your thoughts are theirs; almost like esp. When you're away from them you think about them and can't wait to see them; and when you're together you hate to leave or see them go. This is the connectivity of two spirits intertwined. This is very deep. Virtually no sacrifice is to great for them. If they needed a kidney, you'd give one of yours. Their mood may affect your appetite. This is the reason why emotional affairs outside of the marriage is so serious. A man can have sex with a woman without even knowing her first name; simply because he likes the size of her boobs, and not call her for the next two weeks after wards while enjoying #1 specials at Burger King. But loose his appetite over a woman he hasn't even touched yet just based on an emotionally deep connection that's been lost.
Why is this so deep? Why is this the most important of what I will call the "big 3" of the MLI? Because it transcends the physical realm; it's spiritual. It's an intimacy of invisible vibrational proportions. It is the "spirit" that inhabits and gives life to a relationship much like the spirit inhabits a human body and gives it life. How does a couple maintain this extremely important part of the MLI?
One thing they need to try to do is start their relationship with as many things in common as possible including religion, politics, and hobbies. When couples have too many interests that naturally separates them from each other like different TV shows that may have them watching different TVs in different rooms of the house, a gap in emotional connectivity may start to develop and evolve over time. They may even go to movie theaters or plays separately because they have broadly different tastes in entertainment. Emotional intimacy is likely maintained the more time spent together enjoying similar interests. Another very important factor, speaking of time spent together, is work and career schedules. For the exception of maybe a handful of couples, long distant and separate relationships are, at the very least, challenging. If you have schedules, jobs, or routines that don't allow for regular and significant time spent together, there is the danger, or tendency (however you see it) for ones soul to fill in the gap with someone else; be it a co-worker, another church member, next door neighbor, or anyone else more available for you than your spouse. Many times this is not deliberate, it just happens. Couples should go on trips and vacations together. Although I do support and think it healthy for everyone to have some "me time", it shouldn't be that every time you have to go out of town, the wife or husband is left behind.
There are some rather smaller issues as well regarding this spiritual/emotional factor. For example: is your man funny, or at least tries to be? Perhaps when you first hooked up a number of years ago his jokes were funny enough to you that you fell over laughing; remember that? When was the last time you laughed at one? What; he's not funny anymore? Maybe time and life has robbed you of your sense of humor? Laughing at each others jokes and humorous stories, sharing interesting stories about ones day at work, the mall, or church, discussing a movie, TV show, political views, the news of the day, etc., are ways that couples emotioanlly engage and connect to one another. Eating dinner together at home, or showing up for a lunch date at her job. Buying yellow and red roses for her just because it's Tuesday, or fixing his favorite dish because he mowed the lawn; these are all simple ways to make love to each other emotionally. Now if you're going to do these things it should genuinely come from the heart; nothing phony. Do you really love him or her? Then these ideas should'nt be to big of a deal.
Let me let the guys in on a little secret: For most women, physical sex in the bedroom, or shower, or laundryroom, or kitchen, or elevator or.........(let me stop; some of you more conservative folks are getting uncomfortable) where ever, starts in the mind or emotions outside of the bedroom. If you get a woman hot early with some emotional stroking before you get her to the bedroom, then it may not (I said "may not") take her as long to "bust one" in the bed room, if yaw catch my drift here; you understand! This brings us to the second of the big three which is Physical Intimacy, we'll discuss that next time.
But before I close today I just want to say that every marital relationship should at least start with two people falling in love with each other. When your mind becomes emotionally consumed with a person you are also very physically attracted to, and you want to share all you have with them, that's the definition of "falling in love"; this is why people should get married. Unfortunately, people get married for other reasons such as, "Well I got her pregnant by mistake", or "Hes got a really good job with benifits", or "Her parents are loaded", or "This will make me a US citizen", or even "So the church won't judge me". I understand that there are examples of marriages that start out for the right reasons and end in divorce a few years later anyway. On the flip side, their are marrieages that start out due to legal or financial advantages only to last until "death do they part"; there are always exceptions to the rules. However, every marital relationship should start out with the true "falling in love" experience.
Yes boys and girls, Multilevel Intimacy is what marriage is. Without MLI (Multilevel Intimacy) the symbols and legalities mean nothing. Did you know that you can have MLI without the symbols and legalities? Yeah, you really can; there are high school girlfriends and boyfriends with better MLI than many grown married folks. This starts with emotional intimacy which is the deepest level of MLI. Have you noticed that many times when a relationship is fresh and new, that two people can spend hours talking, whether on the phone or in person; they can talk all night long until the sun comes up, without appearing exhausted. This is because of the emotional energy they feed one another during these initial stages. This is when souls come together and began to engage one another; when minds began to "hug and kiss". Sometimes it's so intense that their thoughts seem to be your thoughts, and your thoughts are theirs; almost like esp. When you're away from them you think about them and can't wait to see them; and when you're together you hate to leave or see them go. This is the connectivity of two spirits intertwined. This is very deep. Virtually no sacrifice is to great for them. If they needed a kidney, you'd give one of yours. Their mood may affect your appetite. This is the reason why emotional affairs outside of the marriage is so serious. A man can have sex with a woman without even knowing her first name; simply because he likes the size of her boobs, and not call her for the next two weeks after wards while enjoying #1 specials at Burger King. But loose his appetite over a woman he hasn't even touched yet just based on an emotionally deep connection that's been lost.
Why is this so deep? Why is this the most important of what I will call the "big 3" of the MLI? Because it transcends the physical realm; it's spiritual. It's an intimacy of invisible vibrational proportions. It is the "spirit" that inhabits and gives life to a relationship much like the spirit inhabits a human body and gives it life. How does a couple maintain this extremely important part of the MLI?
One thing they need to try to do is start their relationship with as many things in common as possible including religion, politics, and hobbies. When couples have too many interests that naturally separates them from each other like different TV shows that may have them watching different TVs in different rooms of the house, a gap in emotional connectivity may start to develop and evolve over time. They may even go to movie theaters or plays separately because they have broadly different tastes in entertainment. Emotional intimacy is likely maintained the more time spent together enjoying similar interests. Another very important factor, speaking of time spent together, is work and career schedules. For the exception of maybe a handful of couples, long distant and separate relationships are, at the very least, challenging. If you have schedules, jobs, or routines that don't allow for regular and significant time spent together, there is the danger, or tendency (however you see it) for ones soul to fill in the gap with someone else; be it a co-worker, another church member, next door neighbor, or anyone else more available for you than your spouse. Many times this is not deliberate, it just happens. Couples should go on trips and vacations together. Although I do support and think it healthy for everyone to have some "me time", it shouldn't be that every time you have to go out of town, the wife or husband is left behind.
There are some rather smaller issues as well regarding this spiritual/emotional factor. For example: is your man funny, or at least tries to be? Perhaps when you first hooked up a number of years ago his jokes were funny enough to you that you fell over laughing; remember that? When was the last time you laughed at one? What; he's not funny anymore? Maybe time and life has robbed you of your sense of humor? Laughing at each others jokes and humorous stories, sharing interesting stories about ones day at work, the mall, or church, discussing a movie, TV show, political views, the news of the day, etc., are ways that couples emotioanlly engage and connect to one another. Eating dinner together at home, or showing up for a lunch date at her job. Buying yellow and red roses for her just because it's Tuesday, or fixing his favorite dish because he mowed the lawn; these are all simple ways to make love to each other emotionally. Now if you're going to do these things it should genuinely come from the heart; nothing phony. Do you really love him or her? Then these ideas should'nt be to big of a deal.
Let me let the guys in on a little secret: For most women, physical sex in the bedroom, or shower, or laundryroom, or kitchen, or elevator or.........(let me stop; some of you more conservative folks are getting uncomfortable) where ever, starts in the mind or emotions outside of the bedroom. If you get a woman hot early with some emotional stroking before you get her to the bedroom, then it may not (I said "may not") take her as long to "bust one" in the bed room, if yaw catch my drift here; you understand! This brings us to the second of the big three which is Physical Intimacy, we'll discuss that next time.
But before I close today I just want to say that every marital relationship should at least start with two people falling in love with each other. When your mind becomes emotionally consumed with a person you are also very physically attracted to, and you want to share all you have with them, that's the definition of "falling in love"; this is why people should get married. Unfortunately, people get married for other reasons such as, "Well I got her pregnant by mistake", or "Hes got a really good job with benifits", or "Her parents are loaded", or "This will make me a US citizen", or even "So the church won't judge me". I understand that there are examples of marriages that start out for the right reasons and end in divorce a few years later anyway. On the flip side, their are marrieages that start out due to legal or financial advantages only to last until "death do they part"; there are always exceptions to the rules. However, every marital relationship should start out with the true "falling in love" experience.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint Part 3
Hello and good evening to all of you all. I hope dinner was all that you expected (right now, as I type this, it's about 8:24pm, or 20 hundred hours for you military folk). Well last post we discussed some of the main things marriage is not, and I said that we'd discuss, this time, what it really is. But before I do that, let me mention one other thing that it's not: It's not simply your living arrangement!
Marriage is not simply living in the same house; it's not simply parking in the same driveway. I may have mentioned earlier in previous discussions that there are legally married couples who don't even sleep in the same bedroom any more, they probably haven't shared body fluids (sex) in months, and they drive separate cars to the same church on Sundays, even though there is no apparent need to. So although they may share an address, there is no real substance to the sharing. They may simply be "living together" for the sake of the kids, for expense, or in the words of a famous blues singer, "It's just cheaper to keep her". I'm reminded of the movie "War Of The Roses", staring Michael Douglas in which he plays a husband who refuses to move out of the house, even though his wife adamantly insists that she's fed up with him and that the best thing he can do for her from now on is pay child support. Those of you familiar with this interesting movie know what happens in the end: they end up killing each other!
So let's get to it: What really is a marriage? I believe that marriage, in the true spirit (underline the word "spirit"), heart, and essence of what most of us really want, what our souls really yearn for, and what truly makes us happy with each other is INTIMACY!!! But not just any type of intimacy, for you see, you can be intimate, at a certain level; to a certain extent, with your mom, your brother, your doctor, your pastor, your next door neighbor, an inmate at the county jail; anyone you share a deep connection with at any given point in time. Marriage, however, is intimacy on at least four levels: spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial. People who envision a happy marriage with another person imagine a deep connection with a person's mind, body, soul, and checkbook. I can just about guarantee you this: when ever there is trouble in a couples relationship you can trace the source of the problem to at least one of these four areas; either they're not on the same page spiritually, they're not clicking emotionally, there's trouble in the bedroom, or there's money woes. Out of the four, however, in most cases, I would have to say that the spiritual/emotional connection is the most critical, followed by the hot and steamy bedroom action (hopefully), followed up by the earning, sharing, and managing of the "Benjamins" baby. Now for many of you, according to your unique personalities, these four can be rearranged in importance. Some people feel like the money is more important, while others feel like if he aint throwing down in the bedroom it's going to be a rough "ride" (pun intended). And others just want a friend that understands them in every way. "You should be able to look into my eyes, and tell what I'm thinking". They say there should be this "vibe" between us. They feel like they should have some sort of shared esp; almost psychic in nature.
As we take a closer look at this word INTIMACY and break it down, let's say is slowly: IN TI MA CY; hmmmmm, notice how it almost sounds like you're saying "In to me see"! Did you get that? You see, when you ask someone to be intimate with you, what you are literally requesting of them is to see into you; to have enough care, concern, and interest in you as a person to consider what matters to you; to consider your thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, opinions, hopes, dreams, visions, aspirations, beliefs, likes, and dislikes, fears, hopes, etc. In other words to really "know" you as the soul underneath the flesh that you truly are. Please consider this, for this is deep. The divorce rate would take a drastic dive if couples cared enough about each other to be truly "intimate"; for this is the human soul's reason for wanting to be married.
As I've already stated, if and when a problem develops in the land of "honeymoon bliss", it's usually not because the ring's too small, or the limo's the wrong color, or the bridal shower went overtime, or the license isn't framed properly, or the kitchen should have been painted violet. People who tend to argue and fuss over small "insignificant" details such as toilet seats or how a towel is hung usually have bigger problems underneath the surface, which can usually be traced to one of these three or four (sometimes I tie spiritual and emotional together; in many ways our feelings and emotions are the language of the soul) areas of the relationship.
. ,
In the next post, we will begin to break down these three or four areas in order to try and understand what the real problems with many of us are.
Marriage is not simply living in the same house; it's not simply parking in the same driveway. I may have mentioned earlier in previous discussions that there are legally married couples who don't even sleep in the same bedroom any more, they probably haven't shared body fluids (sex) in months, and they drive separate cars to the same church on Sundays, even though there is no apparent need to. So although they may share an address, there is no real substance to the sharing. They may simply be "living together" for the sake of the kids, for expense, or in the words of a famous blues singer, "It's just cheaper to keep her". I'm reminded of the movie "War Of The Roses", staring Michael Douglas in which he plays a husband who refuses to move out of the house, even though his wife adamantly insists that she's fed up with him and that the best thing he can do for her from now on is pay child support. Those of you familiar with this interesting movie know what happens in the end: they end up killing each other!
So let's get to it: What really is a marriage? I believe that marriage, in the true spirit (underline the word "spirit"), heart, and essence of what most of us really want, what our souls really yearn for, and what truly makes us happy with each other is INTIMACY!!! But not just any type of intimacy, for you see, you can be intimate, at a certain level; to a certain extent, with your mom, your brother, your doctor, your pastor, your next door neighbor, an inmate at the county jail; anyone you share a deep connection with at any given point in time. Marriage, however, is intimacy on at least four levels: spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial. People who envision a happy marriage with another person imagine a deep connection with a person's mind, body, soul, and checkbook. I can just about guarantee you this: when ever there is trouble in a couples relationship you can trace the source of the problem to at least one of these four areas; either they're not on the same page spiritually, they're not clicking emotionally, there's trouble in the bedroom, or there's money woes. Out of the four, however, in most cases, I would have to say that the spiritual/emotional connection is the most critical, followed by the hot and steamy bedroom action (hopefully), followed up by the earning, sharing, and managing of the "Benjamins" baby. Now for many of you, according to your unique personalities, these four can be rearranged in importance. Some people feel like the money is more important, while others feel like if he aint throwing down in the bedroom it's going to be a rough "ride" (pun intended). And others just want a friend that understands them in every way. "You should be able to look into my eyes, and tell what I'm thinking". They say there should be this "vibe" between us. They feel like they should have some sort of shared esp; almost psychic in nature.
As we take a closer look at this word INTIMACY and break it down, let's say is slowly: IN TI MA CY; hmmmmm, notice how it almost sounds like you're saying "In to me see"! Did you get that? You see, when you ask someone to be intimate with you, what you are literally requesting of them is to see into you; to have enough care, concern, and interest in you as a person to consider what matters to you; to consider your thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, opinions, hopes, dreams, visions, aspirations, beliefs, likes, and dislikes, fears, hopes, etc. In other words to really "know" you as the soul underneath the flesh that you truly are. Please consider this, for this is deep. The divorce rate would take a drastic dive if couples cared enough about each other to be truly "intimate"; for this is the human soul's reason for wanting to be married.
As I've already stated, if and when a problem develops in the land of "honeymoon bliss", it's usually not because the ring's too small, or the limo's the wrong color, or the bridal shower went overtime, or the license isn't framed properly, or the kitchen should have been painted violet. People who tend to argue and fuss over small "insignificant" details such as toilet seats or how a towel is hung usually have bigger problems underneath the surface, which can usually be traced to one of these three or four (sometimes I tie spiritual and emotional together; in many ways our feelings and emotions are the language of the soul) areas of the relationship.
. ,
In the next post, we will begin to break down these three or four areas in order to try and understand what the real problems with many of us are.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint Part 2
Happy Thursday to you all. Chicago's an interesting place, as far as weather goes: 60 degrees one day, 37 the next. This is what we go through in months like March and April. Well anyway let's continue this thought on what marriage really is, as far as the true spirit of it is concerned. However, before we wrestle with what it is, let's first discuss what many believe it to be. Many are under the impression that it's the $1700.00 diamond, 14k gold ring she and he sports on the fourth finger of the left hand. How many marriages have been jeopardized by the loss or misplacement of this piece of jewelry, hmm? Some people think it's the license, or in the words of some people, it's "the papers", "Oh I got papers on my man!" A rrreeeaaaallyyy big deal is made over these "papers". It's critically important to many people, especially conservative people, to have something recorded downtown that tells the world, "I legally got em". Many will even say that God will get upset with you if you move in together without first securing these papers. And still to others, it's the "wedding day" and all of the events leading up to it. Yaw know what I'm talking about; the invitations, the bridal showers, picking out the dress, the rehearsals, food for the reception, the ice sculpture, etc.
Are any of these things really the marriage? No, no, no! Now are they important to some degree? Yeeaahhh! Let's start with the ring: It is a 3 part symbol of what a marriage is ideally expected to be. The diamond represents marriage's toughness, hardness, and splendor. As the foundation of the family, marriage is expected to be the "solid rock" on which a family is built. The diamond, besides it's beauty, is the hardest natural substance known to man. Then there is the second part of the ring, which is the gold portion; which represents marriage's purity and the idea that it should be resistant to outside forces and elements. As you may know, gold is a precious metal that is highly resistant to rust, corrosion and tarnish. Finally there is the third portion of the ring, which is it's shape and make up; an unbroken circle. Like the ring, marriage is meant to be an unbroken circle where the husband and wife face each other, holding hands, and no one; mother, father, kids, next door neighbors, Bugs Bunny (lol), comes between them. Now if your marriage does not really experience these characteristics, wearing a freakin ring isn't going to help, now is it? On the flip side, the absence of a ring doesn't mean that these characteristics do not exist.
Well, what about the license, or the "papers"; the legalities of the union. This means that the government recognizes the two of you as a legal partnership. The state sees the two of you as a legal entity, much like a company or a corporation. Your relationship sort of becomes a "business", thus, there are special benefits that the state will bestow upon this union as a result. According to the law, there are about 1400 different legal benefits and privileges to having a clerk recorded marriage. Many of these "benefits", however, only really kick in in the event that something goes wrong in the relationship, such as death benefits, the ability to make critical decisions when the other is too sick or comatosed to do so for themselves, or in the case of a divorce. One of the things a corporation does is it protects it's individual members from personal liability as a result of the company's business dealings. So the corporation is like an insurance policy; which is what legal marriage really is: an insurance policy for the union. But as you are aware, you can't drive or wash an insurance policy, so it's not a car. You can't live in and move furniture into an insurance policy; so it's not a house, You can't groom and dress medical insurance; so it's not your body. Likewise, you can't hug, squeeze, kiss, talk to, and share thoughts, hopes, and dreams with a license at the county clerks office; so it's not your marriage. How many couples do you know of that, in spite of having the "papers", cheat, they lack trust for one another, they sleep in separate beds, they spend little or no time together, haven't had sex in months, and may even live in separate homes.
And as far as the wedding day goes (this is a favorite for the brides to be; us fellows just kind of show up in a properly fitting tux), this is a public announcement and celebration of your decision for "the two to become one". Now don't get me wrong; marriage is the foundation for families, communities, businesses, churches, and nations: why wouldn't you celebrate it? Of course you should. If you've got $100,000 to spend on a wedding, and you can really afford this, go for it! Get the extravagant dresses, cakes, limos, stringers, rice, macaroni; all of that. It truly is a big deal. But how many people spend over $77,000 on a wedding, for a relationship that ends up proving itself in less than to years to be worth about 17 cents. No my friends; the wedding is not truly the marriage either.
So what really is a marriage if this other stuff really aint? We'll discuss that next time.
Are any of these things really the marriage? No, no, no! Now are they important to some degree? Yeeaahhh! Let's start with the ring: It is a 3 part symbol of what a marriage is ideally expected to be. The diamond represents marriage's toughness, hardness, and splendor. As the foundation of the family, marriage is expected to be the "solid rock" on which a family is built. The diamond, besides it's beauty, is the hardest natural substance known to man. Then there is the second part of the ring, which is the gold portion; which represents marriage's purity and the idea that it should be resistant to outside forces and elements. As you may know, gold is a precious metal that is highly resistant to rust, corrosion and tarnish. Finally there is the third portion of the ring, which is it's shape and make up; an unbroken circle. Like the ring, marriage is meant to be an unbroken circle where the husband and wife face each other, holding hands, and no one; mother, father, kids, next door neighbors, Bugs Bunny (lol), comes between them. Now if your marriage does not really experience these characteristics, wearing a freakin ring isn't going to help, now is it? On the flip side, the absence of a ring doesn't mean that these characteristics do not exist.
Well, what about the license, or the "papers"; the legalities of the union. This means that the government recognizes the two of you as a legal partnership. The state sees the two of you as a legal entity, much like a company or a corporation. Your relationship sort of becomes a "business", thus, there are special benefits that the state will bestow upon this union as a result. According to the law, there are about 1400 different legal benefits and privileges to having a clerk recorded marriage. Many of these "benefits", however, only really kick in in the event that something goes wrong in the relationship, such as death benefits, the ability to make critical decisions when the other is too sick or comatosed to do so for themselves, or in the case of a divorce. One of the things a corporation does is it protects it's individual members from personal liability as a result of the company's business dealings. So the corporation is like an insurance policy; which is what legal marriage really is: an insurance policy for the union. But as you are aware, you can't drive or wash an insurance policy, so it's not a car. You can't live in and move furniture into an insurance policy; so it's not a house, You can't groom and dress medical insurance; so it's not your body. Likewise, you can't hug, squeeze, kiss, talk to, and share thoughts, hopes, and dreams with a license at the county clerks office; so it's not your marriage. How many couples do you know of that, in spite of having the "papers", cheat, they lack trust for one another, they sleep in separate beds, they spend little or no time together, haven't had sex in months, and may even live in separate homes.
And as far as the wedding day goes (this is a favorite for the brides to be; us fellows just kind of show up in a properly fitting tux), this is a public announcement and celebration of your decision for "the two to become one". Now don't get me wrong; marriage is the foundation for families, communities, businesses, churches, and nations: why wouldn't you celebrate it? Of course you should. If you've got $100,000 to spend on a wedding, and you can really afford this, go for it! Get the extravagant dresses, cakes, limos, stringers, rice, macaroni; all of that. It truly is a big deal. But how many people spend over $77,000 on a wedding, for a relationship that ends up proving itself in less than to years to be worth about 17 cents. No my friends; the wedding is not truly the marriage either.
So what really is a marriage if this other stuff really aint? We'll discuss that next time.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint
Good morning everyone. As I began to write this, it's about, oh, um, we'll say 11:05 am Saturday morning; just dropped my daughter, Tyra, off at Glenbard West High school in a suburb about 19 miles west of Chicago. As you know, being a family man; married to a wonderful girl for 20 years with 4 kids and 2 extended kids (sorry, I'm not ready to embrace the title "grand daddy" yet; I feel too young for that still), as well as a pulpit minister for over 30 years, the subject of marriage and family is heavily on my mind and heart quite a bit. So I tend to be a bit sensitive to discussions, issues, and debates about this foundational matter.
In recent times, the question has come up; "Is being homosexual the new black?" As Most of you are aware, there was a time in this country when people, particularly blacks, were denied certain rights and privileges simply because God used "the wrong crayon", in some peoples' opinion. Well that was a few years ago. Thanks to legislative measures, as well as perseverance and some eventual common sense, much of that ignorance is behind us; not all of it, but most of it. Now, the issue shifts to "gay rights", including whether or not they should be recognized, by the law, to be "married", with all of the "legal" rights and privileges that accompanies the "legal" recognition. Conservative religious folks, mainly Christians, lead the way in protesting and fighting against those rights (man, every freakin time I look around, we protestin somethin) , under the idea that homosexuals seek, through trying to legalize marriage for themselves, to "redefine" what marriage is. Can they really do that? I mean, can they rrrrreeeeaaalllly redefine what marriage is? If you think they can; if you think that the spirit of what marriage is can be defined or redetermined by a legislative decision; by the stroke of a political pen, by "legal" recognition, than perhaps you don't really understand what the "spirit of marriage" truly is! NO ONE has the power to redefine marriage!!!!!!! Even if you legislate it. That's because of what the "spirit" of marriage really is. You couldn't even have a family business of any sort unless the spirit of marriage preceded.
So what really is the "spirit" of marriage? What really makes it the foundation of our family and society? What really makes it a safe-haven for children growing up? In the next few posts, I intend to address, in my God-given opinion, what marriage is, what it's not, and the significance of the legalities. Want to weigh in? Feel free to share your comments. However, in the words of Sir Charles Barkley, in a recent series of cell phone commercials, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it."
In recent times, the question has come up; "Is being homosexual the new black?" As Most of you are aware, there was a time in this country when people, particularly blacks, were denied certain rights and privileges simply because God used "the wrong crayon", in some peoples' opinion. Well that was a few years ago. Thanks to legislative measures, as well as perseverance and some eventual common sense, much of that ignorance is behind us; not all of it, but most of it. Now, the issue shifts to "gay rights", including whether or not they should be recognized, by the law, to be "married", with all of the "legal" rights and privileges that accompanies the "legal" recognition. Conservative religious folks, mainly Christians, lead the way in protesting and fighting against those rights (man, every freakin time I look around, we protestin somethin) , under the idea that homosexuals seek, through trying to legalize marriage for themselves, to "redefine" what marriage is. Can they really do that? I mean, can they rrrrreeeeaaalllly redefine what marriage is? If you think they can; if you think that the spirit of what marriage is can be defined or redetermined by a legislative decision; by the stroke of a political pen, by "legal" recognition, than perhaps you don't really understand what the "spirit of marriage" truly is! NO ONE has the power to redefine marriage!!!!!!! Even if you legislate it. That's because of what the "spirit" of marriage really is. You couldn't even have a family business of any sort unless the spirit of marriage preceded.
So what really is the "spirit" of marriage? What really makes it the foundation of our family and society? What really makes it a safe-haven for children growing up? In the next few posts, I intend to address, in my God-given opinion, what marriage is, what it's not, and the significance of the legalities. Want to weigh in? Feel free to share your comments. However, in the words of Sir Charles Barkley, in a recent series of cell phone commercials, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)