Hello and good evening to all of you all. I hope dinner was all that you expected (right now, as I type this, it's about 8:24pm, or 20 hundred hours for you military folk). Well last post we discussed some of the main things marriage is not, and I said that we'd discuss, this time, what it really is. But before I do that, let me mention one other thing that it's not: It's not simply your living arrangement!
Marriage is not simply living in the same house; it's not simply parking in the same driveway. I may have mentioned earlier in previous discussions that there are legally married couples who don't even sleep in the same bedroom any more, they probably haven't shared body fluids (sex) in months, and they drive separate cars to the same church on Sundays, even though there is no apparent need to. So although they may share an address, there is no real substance to the sharing. They may simply be "living together" for the sake of the kids, for expense, or in the words of a famous blues singer, "It's just cheaper to keep her". I'm reminded of the movie "War Of The Roses", staring Michael Douglas in which he plays a husband who refuses to move out of the house, even though his wife adamantly insists that she's fed up with him and that the best thing he can do for her from now on is pay child support. Those of you familiar with this interesting movie know what happens in the end: they end up killing each other!
So let's get to it: What really is a marriage? I believe that marriage, in the true spirit (underline the word "spirit"), heart, and essence of what most of us really want, what our souls really yearn for, and what truly makes us happy with each other is INTIMACY!!! But not just any type of intimacy, for you see, you can be intimate, at a certain level; to a certain extent, with your mom, your brother, your doctor, your pastor, your next door neighbor, an inmate at the county jail; anyone you share a deep connection with at any given point in time. Marriage, however, is intimacy on at least four levels: spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial. People who envision a happy marriage with another person imagine a deep connection with a person's mind, body, soul, and checkbook. I can just about guarantee you this: when ever there is trouble in a couples relationship you can trace the source of the problem to at least one of these four areas; either they're not on the same page spiritually, they're not clicking emotionally, there's trouble in the bedroom, or there's money woes. Out of the four, however, in most cases, I would have to say that the spiritual/emotional connection is the most critical, followed by the hot and steamy bedroom action (hopefully), followed up by the earning, sharing, and managing of the "Benjamins" baby. Now for many of you, according to your unique personalities, these four can be rearranged in importance. Some people feel like the money is more important, while others feel like if he aint throwing down in the bedroom it's going to be a rough "ride" (pun intended). And others just want a friend that understands them in every way. "You should be able to look into my eyes, and tell what I'm thinking". They say there should be this "vibe" between us. They feel like they should have some sort of shared esp; almost psychic in nature.
As we take a closer look at this word INTIMACY and break it down, let's say is slowly: IN TI MA CY; hmmmmm, notice how it almost sounds like you're saying "In to me see"! Did you get that? You see, when you ask someone to be intimate with you, what you are literally requesting of them is to see into you; to have enough care, concern, and interest in you as a person to consider what matters to you; to consider your thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, opinions, hopes, dreams, visions, aspirations, beliefs, likes, and dislikes, fears, hopes, etc. In other words to really "know" you as the soul underneath the flesh that you truly are. Please consider this, for this is deep. The divorce rate would take a drastic dive if couples cared enough about each other to be truly "intimate"; for this is the human soul's reason for wanting to be married.
As I've already stated, if and when a problem develops in the land of "honeymoon bliss", it's usually not because the ring's too small, or the limo's the wrong color, or the bridal shower went overtime, or the license isn't framed properly, or the kitchen should have been painted violet. People who tend to argue and fuss over small "insignificant" details such as toilet seats or how a towel is hung usually have bigger problems underneath the surface, which can usually be traced to one of these three or four (sometimes I tie spiritual and emotional together; in many ways our feelings and emotions are the language of the soul) areas of the relationship.
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In the next post, we will begin to break down these three or four areas in order to try and understand what the real problems with many of us are.
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