For the past several weeks we've considered what marriage is and is not. However, with the divorce rate hovering around 50%, not to mention the multitude of unhappy people who decide to stay together and "hang in there" for a variety of reasons including the kids and "God", What's the freakin point anyway? It continues to curiously interest me how so many people still want get married in spite of the high failure rate. Even homosexuals are fighting for the right to join together in "holy matrimony". What's so special to us about being married; why do we insist on it?
In an attempt to answer this question, it helps to understand that at its core, marriage is deeper than a piece of paper kept at the county clerks office. In fact, (brace yourselves) did you know that, considering the true spirit of what marriage is, you can be married without the paper? And on the flip side, you can have the paper but not have a real marriage? Oh yes boys and girls; it's true. For you see, in spirit, marriage is two souls (or in some cases at least two or more) committed to multilevel intimacy: which two people are at liberty to do with or without a certificate, ring, or church wedding. You don't need government, pastoral, or parental approval to do this. Straight or gay you can make this genuine commitment to another anywhere, anytime. You can do it whether you choose to live together or not; though most people choose to share a space. Now am I advocating shacking-up or gay marriage? No! I'm simply acknowledging what the spirit of marriage is and why we want it. This intimacy is what the soul craves. At our core we want to know and be known by at least one other special person at a deep level. As humans we are designed to want to share the important aspects of our lives with a significant other; and we want to do it emotionally, sexually, and financially. Show me a man that won't give his money to or spend his money on a woman, and I'll show you a man who's either broke or not in love with her.
So you see marriage, whether legal or unofficial, is something the vast majority of us want to experience at some point in our lives. However, when it comes to the issue of sex, many people don't understand what's the big deal about this "requirement" to be married, or abstain if you're not. In other words many people feel as though, in spite of not being ready to get married, they feel more than ready to enjoy sex. Their bodies are yearning, burning, and craving for something hard or wet (Oh come on now, those are not pornographic words, just facts; lighten up people). If I'm hot and horny and having wet dreams, isn't that nature and my body's way of telling me to go get some? After all, when my mouth is wet (watering) that's a sign to go get a sandwich, not deny myself of one; right? Why should sex, since that's what nature wired me for, be any different? Hmmmmm! That's a good question. It's easy for a married, holy, sanctified, water-baptized in the fire, "spirit" filled christian to tell you, "Don't do it!", but you're the one trying to substitute a cold shower and scripture reading with sexual healing. What's the problem with gettin some outside of marriage, Why does the Bible and religion discourage it?
There are three (3) basic, primary, and unofficial good reasons. I call them spirit-of-the-law reasons. It's part of what I like to call the "matrimonial insurance policy" or "mip" for short. Those three reasons are: a. To be an incubated safe haven to birth and raise children. b. Protection against sexually transmitted diseases. c. Protection against a broken heart, hurt feelings, and emotional injury due to unfulfilled romantic expectations. We will discuss the first of these three in my next post.
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Saturday, June 11, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is/What It Aint Part 6
Well once again it is a tremendous blessing to come and be in this space with you all today. A little over three weeks ago I had emergency surgery to have a very sick appendix removed; I thank God that I'm healing up slowly and nicely. Well this is the finale post on this subject on marriage and what people believe it to be versus what it really truly is. The third of the big 3 is finally "financial intimacy"; which means being willing to make some money, share the money, and manage it wisely.
I remember when I first met and fell in love with my wife Yolanda, I took my first "big" check, which was about $268.00, and spent most of it on her taking grocery shopping. You see back then most of the jobs I had only paid me about 6 bucks an hour, or about 200 bucks a week. However, whatever I had, I wanted to spend it on her; and 20 years later, I still do. I believe most real men who's worth anything at all love to spend money on the woman they love. In fact, some men will spend money on a woman they barely know or haven't even had sex with just based on the fact that she's pretty to look at. However, since I've been married I've discovered that it's not just I who want to spend money on her, but she wants to spend just as much if not more money on me. When you're in love with someone it's only natural that you want to share the wealth with them by making a purchase for their benefit. Other than simply not having the money due to deep debt and a very tight budget, low income, or unemployment, show me a man and woman who won't share or spend money on each other, and I'll show you a relationship in trouble; It's just that simple.
Now part of this intimacy is the handling of money and whether or not one can maturely manage and be trusted with it. It's one thing to spend money on her; but it's another thing to actually give her or him the credit card or checkbook to go out and get it for themselves. I say it all of the time, just in case you haven't heard it before, that marriage is for mature adults only; not kids whose birth certificate declares them to be over 21. You do know that there are far too many immature adults well over 21, don't you? Their immaturity shows up not just in the way they respond to and treat each other in times of disagreement, but also in how they handle money. When you spend everything you have no matter how much you make and never save, that's immature. When in spite of having more than enough money, the lights have to get turned off before the bill is paid, that's immature. When you take part of the mortgage money to buy a purse for $275 when you've already got enough of them to switch up every day for the next two months, that's immature. Constantly spending money on you and never on the other; now that's just selfish. These examples of financial immaturity can lead to stressful problems in the relationship. Not only can they eventually put your household finances in a bind, but soon the other person will simply start to fill unloved, unappreciated, and taken for granted.
Sometimes, being financially mature and responsible can simply mean being man or woman enough to admit that you're not as good with money as you need to be and allowing the other person (who hopefully is much better at it than you; God forbid both of you suck at it) to take control and take the responsibility of money management. Now this can be the man or woman; just because you're the man doesn't necessarily mean you should be in charge of the money. Just because you work and he or she may not doesn't mean you should be in charge. Just because you make the most doesn't mean you should be in charge of management. It should be based on whose money skills are better developed. Sometimes the person who makes the most also childishly blows the most money. Being a mature couple means understanding that your relationship is a team or partnership, thus recognizing each others talents, strengths, gifts, skills, knowledge, as well as admitting weaknesses and short comings, thus making the team financially more effective.
Finally, unless one is medically documented to be physically disabled, temporarily unemployed and looking for work, in school preparing for work, or it has been mutually agreed upon that one stays home to care for the house and children, each individual ought to be contributing to the household finances. It shouldn't matter who makes the most (in today's economy and careers, the woman is likely to make just as much if not more than the man), you are a team working together any way. A man who feels intimidated by a woman making more needs to go back to the drawing board and check the definition of a real man. And a woman who allows her larger paycheck to make her feel superior to him needs to go sit down some where and understand her role in the relationship, which is to be an assistant and a help meet. In fact, both the man and woman are assistants to each other helping to meet the needs of one another. If you have a job or career that you are happy with and that fulfills you, then be proud of it regardless of what you make. But if you are a mentally and physically healthy person who won't work and contribute to the economic stability of the family business, and you don't cook or clean; thus putting all of the financial burden on the other person, then what the hell good are you? Many times these people have the nerve and audacity to eat up most of the food, drink all of the Kool Aid, and drive out most of the gas. You shouldn't spend most of the money when you make none of it, especially if you're spending it on crap for your own personal pleasure. If you're not working right now, seek other ways to contribute to the relationship instead of draining it: wash a car or a dish, do the laundry, mow the lawn, cook (or learn how, then cook), get involved with the church or community service, but don't just sit on your ass and take, take, take! Many relationships turn sour and end due to serious problems in money matters.
One other thought on this subject of financial intimacy: it is OK if you take some of your individual cash and keep it to yourself. Intimacy and sharing doesn't have to mean totally giving up your personal financial identity (assuming you have one). It's all right to have your own personal checking and savings account in addition to the joint; just make sure that, as a married couple, the household family business is straight and taken care of first. Personal "pocket change" is cool. My point here is that when you truly love each other, financial intimacy is a privilege, not a burden.
I remember when I first met and fell in love with my wife Yolanda, I took my first "big" check, which was about $268.00, and spent most of it on her taking grocery shopping. You see back then most of the jobs I had only paid me about 6 bucks an hour, or about 200 bucks a week. However, whatever I had, I wanted to spend it on her; and 20 years later, I still do. I believe most real men who's worth anything at all love to spend money on the woman they love. In fact, some men will spend money on a woman they barely know or haven't even had sex with just based on the fact that she's pretty to look at. However, since I've been married I've discovered that it's not just I who want to spend money on her, but she wants to spend just as much if not more money on me. When you're in love with someone it's only natural that you want to share the wealth with them by making a purchase for their benefit. Other than simply not having the money due to deep debt and a very tight budget, low income, or unemployment, show me a man and woman who won't share or spend money on each other, and I'll show you a relationship in trouble; It's just that simple.
Now part of this intimacy is the handling of money and whether or not one can maturely manage and be trusted with it. It's one thing to spend money on her; but it's another thing to actually give her or him the credit card or checkbook to go out and get it for themselves. I say it all of the time, just in case you haven't heard it before, that marriage is for mature adults only; not kids whose birth certificate declares them to be over 21. You do know that there are far too many immature adults well over 21, don't you? Their immaturity shows up not just in the way they respond to and treat each other in times of disagreement, but also in how they handle money. When you spend everything you have no matter how much you make and never save, that's immature. When in spite of having more than enough money, the lights have to get turned off before the bill is paid, that's immature. When you take part of the mortgage money to buy a purse for $275 when you've already got enough of them to switch up every day for the next two months, that's immature. Constantly spending money on you and never on the other; now that's just selfish. These examples of financial immaturity can lead to stressful problems in the relationship. Not only can they eventually put your household finances in a bind, but soon the other person will simply start to fill unloved, unappreciated, and taken for granted.
Sometimes, being financially mature and responsible can simply mean being man or woman enough to admit that you're not as good with money as you need to be and allowing the other person (who hopefully is much better at it than you; God forbid both of you suck at it) to take control and take the responsibility of money management. Now this can be the man or woman; just because you're the man doesn't necessarily mean you should be in charge of the money. Just because you work and he or she may not doesn't mean you should be in charge. Just because you make the most doesn't mean you should be in charge of management. It should be based on whose money skills are better developed. Sometimes the person who makes the most also childishly blows the most money. Being a mature couple means understanding that your relationship is a team or partnership, thus recognizing each others talents, strengths, gifts, skills, knowledge, as well as admitting weaknesses and short comings, thus making the team financially more effective.
Finally, unless one is medically documented to be physically disabled, temporarily unemployed and looking for work, in school preparing for work, or it has been mutually agreed upon that one stays home to care for the house and children, each individual ought to be contributing to the household finances. It shouldn't matter who makes the most (in today's economy and careers, the woman is likely to make just as much if not more than the man), you are a team working together any way. A man who feels intimidated by a woman making more needs to go back to the drawing board and check the definition of a real man. And a woman who allows her larger paycheck to make her feel superior to him needs to go sit down some where and understand her role in the relationship, which is to be an assistant and a help meet. In fact, both the man and woman are assistants to each other helping to meet the needs of one another. If you have a job or career that you are happy with and that fulfills you, then be proud of it regardless of what you make. But if you are a mentally and physically healthy person who won't work and contribute to the economic stability of the family business, and you don't cook or clean; thus putting all of the financial burden on the other person, then what the hell good are you? Many times these people have the nerve and audacity to eat up most of the food, drink all of the Kool Aid, and drive out most of the gas. You shouldn't spend most of the money when you make none of it, especially if you're spending it on crap for your own personal pleasure. If you're not working right now, seek other ways to contribute to the relationship instead of draining it: wash a car or a dish, do the laundry, mow the lawn, cook (or learn how, then cook), get involved with the church or community service, but don't just sit on your ass and take, take, take! Many relationships turn sour and end due to serious problems in money matters.
One other thought on this subject of financial intimacy: it is OK if you take some of your individual cash and keep it to yourself. Intimacy and sharing doesn't have to mean totally giving up your personal financial identity (assuming you have one). It's all right to have your own personal checking and savings account in addition to the joint; just make sure that, as a married couple, the household family business is straight and taken care of first. Personal "pocket change" is cool. My point here is that when you truly love each other, financial intimacy is a privilege, not a burden.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint Part 5
Well happy Easter/Resurrection weekend to all of you. I just want to remind you at this time that this blog is dedicated to a wide and general audience, not just religious people. I mean after all, every body has families whether Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Mormon, Atheist, Scientific, or what ever; we all need to work at making our family business as successful as possible in order to improve society as a whole. So how ever you celebrate or don't celebrate Easter, I hope that the week end was an enjoyable one.
In the last post I mentioned that marriage is Multilevel Intimacy or MLI. The big 3 parts of this intimacy is spiritual/emotional, physical, and financial. Marital relationships, whether legal or common law, struggle or eventual end when there is a disconnect in these areas with emotional being the most important, in my opinion; which was discussed in the last post. This time I'd like to deal with number 2 of the big 3 which is "physical intimacy". Why is this part of the big 3 so important? First of all there is what I call "nature's factor". The Bible says "And the two shall become one flesh"; that's sexual y'all. Why does nature require us to become one flesh? The Bible also says, " Be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth". You see in the wonderful world of procreation 2 becomes 1 and then 1 becomes at least 3. You see what just happened? Nature requires us to give birth for the purpose of guaranteeing that human life goes on. Marriage, by nature, is about establishing families and perpetuating life on the planet. This is accomplished through physical intimacy. No offense meant here towards homosexual couples; I love you guys, but without a man and a woman coming together physically, human life does not go on; period! Even if you are born gay, it takes a man and a woman to produce the birth. Even if a gay couple adopts and raises a child, at some point a man and woman had to provide the opportunity. This is nature's reason why the population will always be overwhelmingly and predominately heterosexual.
For this reason, we are sexual beings. We are naturally designed to want sex; mainly for the purpose of being fertile. Now; listen closely: In order to guarantee that we would indeed engage enough in sexual activities so as to preserve the perpetuation of the population, nature fixed sex so that it would feel sooooooooooooo good, that we would do it; even when our minds tell us, or society tells, or our parents tell us, or our pastor tells us that we shouldn't! Men and women want sex; it's by divine design. Furthermore, as humans, good sex is healthy both physically as well as mentally. Unlike animals, humans have the mental capacity to enjoy sex, not just have it. A good orgasm releases chemicals in the body and brain that helps in the control of stress, sickness, and disease. Have you noticed that after a good sexual encounter how people tend to sleep better and be more relaxed? In addition, I personally believe that regular sex and orgasms is one important key to good prostate health in men, and may even help menstrual cramps in women when that time of the month rolls around. Having sex also may help the heart in that the heart rate increases with having sex. Also, for those of you who would like to loose weight, having sex burns calories; particularly for those of you who actually get actively involved in the session and don't just lie on your back while he or she does all of the work.
God has designed sex/physical intimacy to be so desirable that it is a basic need of human beings, much like eating fruits and vegetables. Notice I did not say like food or water; without these we would die soon. However, just like many of us go a long time without eating our veggies and yet still live, so to are many of us deprived of healthy and wholesome sex, and yet still live. However, just like deciding not to eat fruits causes you to miss something important in terms of vitamins and nutrients that may affect your good health in the long run, so to does going without sex have potentially negative affects on our health over a long period of time. Catholic priests, I love you guys and your ministry, but God aint never told you all not to marry for the purpose of ministry. Now if you can dedicate yourselves to celibacy with no problems, so be it. But look at some of the sex scandals that have come up in past years and see if it doesn't trace back to this requirement of celibacy. With all of this in mind, if you are married, either legally or common law, and you are withholding sex or using it for selfish control purposes, you're not operating in love, and you are weakening a very important part of your intimacy base. And then we wonder why our man, and many times woman, is seeing someone else on the side. If you aint cooking at home, don't be surprised if he or she sneaks off to a restaurant; do you hear what I'm saying?
One other note on physical intimacy before moving on: both men and women, particularly women, are designed by nature to have what I call a "baiting system" in order to arouse attraction physically. In other words, when a man sees a woman looking "hot", what ever his version of hot is, that's nature's bait of attraction. A woman sees a man's rippling muscles and tight buns of steel, that's nature's bait: That NEVER changes, even when you get married. In fact, if you're married, looking and smelling good is even more important than ever because the familiarity and commonality that marriage tends to produce has a way of reducing excitement over time, and sitting around the house looking like your grandmother or Aunt Jemima doesn't help. Trust me baby; if you're not looking good and sexy, someone else is. Stay sexy!
Next post we'll look at the 3rd of the big 3, financial intimacy; stay tuned.
In the last post I mentioned that marriage is Multilevel Intimacy or MLI. The big 3 parts of this intimacy is spiritual/emotional, physical, and financial. Marital relationships, whether legal or common law, struggle or eventual end when there is a disconnect in these areas with emotional being the most important, in my opinion; which was discussed in the last post. This time I'd like to deal with number 2 of the big 3 which is "physical intimacy". Why is this part of the big 3 so important? First of all there is what I call "nature's factor". The Bible says "And the two shall become one flesh"; that's sexual y'all. Why does nature require us to become one flesh? The Bible also says, " Be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth". You see in the wonderful world of procreation 2 becomes 1 and then 1 becomes at least 3. You see what just happened? Nature requires us to give birth for the purpose of guaranteeing that human life goes on. Marriage, by nature, is about establishing families and perpetuating life on the planet. This is accomplished through physical intimacy. No offense meant here towards homosexual couples; I love you guys, but without a man and a woman coming together physically, human life does not go on; period! Even if you are born gay, it takes a man and a woman to produce the birth. Even if a gay couple adopts and raises a child, at some point a man and woman had to provide the opportunity. This is nature's reason why the population will always be overwhelmingly and predominately heterosexual.
For this reason, we are sexual beings. We are naturally designed to want sex; mainly for the purpose of being fertile. Now; listen closely: In order to guarantee that we would indeed engage enough in sexual activities so as to preserve the perpetuation of the population, nature fixed sex so that it would feel sooooooooooooo good, that we would do it; even when our minds tell us, or society tells, or our parents tell us, or our pastor tells us that we shouldn't! Men and women want sex; it's by divine design. Furthermore, as humans, good sex is healthy both physically as well as mentally. Unlike animals, humans have the mental capacity to enjoy sex, not just have it. A good orgasm releases chemicals in the body and brain that helps in the control of stress, sickness, and disease. Have you noticed that after a good sexual encounter how people tend to sleep better and be more relaxed? In addition, I personally believe that regular sex and orgasms is one important key to good prostate health in men, and may even help menstrual cramps in women when that time of the month rolls around. Having sex also may help the heart in that the heart rate increases with having sex. Also, for those of you who would like to loose weight, having sex burns calories; particularly for those of you who actually get actively involved in the session and don't just lie on your back while he or she does all of the work.
God has designed sex/physical intimacy to be so desirable that it is a basic need of human beings, much like eating fruits and vegetables. Notice I did not say like food or water; without these we would die soon. However, just like many of us go a long time without eating our veggies and yet still live, so to are many of us deprived of healthy and wholesome sex, and yet still live. However, just like deciding not to eat fruits causes you to miss something important in terms of vitamins and nutrients that may affect your good health in the long run, so to does going without sex have potentially negative affects on our health over a long period of time. Catholic priests, I love you guys and your ministry, but God aint never told you all not to marry for the purpose of ministry. Now if you can dedicate yourselves to celibacy with no problems, so be it. But look at some of the sex scandals that have come up in past years and see if it doesn't trace back to this requirement of celibacy. With all of this in mind, if you are married, either legally or common law, and you are withholding sex or using it for selfish control purposes, you're not operating in love, and you are weakening a very important part of your intimacy base. And then we wonder why our man, and many times woman, is seeing someone else on the side. If you aint cooking at home, don't be surprised if he or she sneaks off to a restaurant; do you hear what I'm saying?
One other note on physical intimacy before moving on: both men and women, particularly women, are designed by nature to have what I call a "baiting system" in order to arouse attraction physically. In other words, when a man sees a woman looking "hot", what ever his version of hot is, that's nature's bait of attraction. A woman sees a man's rippling muscles and tight buns of steel, that's nature's bait: That NEVER changes, even when you get married. In fact, if you're married, looking and smelling good is even more important than ever because the familiarity and commonality that marriage tends to produce has a way of reducing excitement over time, and sitting around the house looking like your grandmother or Aunt Jemima doesn't help. Trust me baby; if you're not looking good and sexy, someone else is. Stay sexy!
Next post we'll look at the 3rd of the big 3, financial intimacy; stay tuned.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What it Aint Part 4
Greetings to everyone who has tuned in at this time, I hope that you are doing quite well. After the pain associated with having a very sick appendix and having it removed a couple of weeks ago, I'm feeling better. Well, last time we left off by stating that what marriage "really" is is spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial intimacy. I would like to combine spiritual and emotional intimacy as one because, I believe, emotion is the language of the soul. Think of emotion as "E"nergy in motion", which is sort of what spirit is.
Yes boys and girls, Multilevel Intimacy is what marriage is. Without MLI (Multilevel Intimacy) the symbols and legalities mean nothing. Did you know that you can have MLI without the symbols and legalities? Yeah, you really can; there are high school girlfriends and boyfriends with better MLI than many grown married folks. This starts with emotional intimacy which is the deepest level of MLI. Have you noticed that many times when a relationship is fresh and new, that two people can spend hours talking, whether on the phone or in person; they can talk all night long until the sun comes up, without appearing exhausted. This is because of the emotional energy they feed one another during these initial stages. This is when souls come together and began to engage one another; when minds began to "hug and kiss". Sometimes it's so intense that their thoughts seem to be your thoughts, and your thoughts are theirs; almost like esp. When you're away from them you think about them and can't wait to see them; and when you're together you hate to leave or see them go. This is the connectivity of two spirits intertwined. This is very deep. Virtually no sacrifice is to great for them. If they needed a kidney, you'd give one of yours. Their mood may affect your appetite. This is the reason why emotional affairs outside of the marriage is so serious. A man can have sex with a woman without even knowing her first name; simply because he likes the size of her boobs, and not call her for the next two weeks after wards while enjoying #1 specials at Burger King. But loose his appetite over a woman he hasn't even touched yet just based on an emotionally deep connection that's been lost.
Why is this so deep? Why is this the most important of what I will call the "big 3" of the MLI? Because it transcends the physical realm; it's spiritual. It's an intimacy of invisible vibrational proportions. It is the "spirit" that inhabits and gives life to a relationship much like the spirit inhabits a human body and gives it life. How does a couple maintain this extremely important part of the MLI?
One thing they need to try to do is start their relationship with as many things in common as possible including religion, politics, and hobbies. When couples have too many interests that naturally separates them from each other like different TV shows that may have them watching different TVs in different rooms of the house, a gap in emotional connectivity may start to develop and evolve over time. They may even go to movie theaters or plays separately because they have broadly different tastes in entertainment. Emotional intimacy is likely maintained the more time spent together enjoying similar interests. Another very important factor, speaking of time spent together, is work and career schedules. For the exception of maybe a handful of couples, long distant and separate relationships are, at the very least, challenging. If you have schedules, jobs, or routines that don't allow for regular and significant time spent together, there is the danger, or tendency (however you see it) for ones soul to fill in the gap with someone else; be it a co-worker, another church member, next door neighbor, or anyone else more available for you than your spouse. Many times this is not deliberate, it just happens. Couples should go on trips and vacations together. Although I do support and think it healthy for everyone to have some "me time", it shouldn't be that every time you have to go out of town, the wife or husband is left behind.
There are some rather smaller issues as well regarding this spiritual/emotional factor. For example: is your man funny, or at least tries to be? Perhaps when you first hooked up a number of years ago his jokes were funny enough to you that you fell over laughing; remember that? When was the last time you laughed at one? What; he's not funny anymore? Maybe time and life has robbed you of your sense of humor? Laughing at each others jokes and humorous stories, sharing interesting stories about ones day at work, the mall, or church, discussing a movie, TV show, political views, the news of the day, etc., are ways that couples emotioanlly engage and connect to one another. Eating dinner together at home, or showing up for a lunch date at her job. Buying yellow and red roses for her just because it's Tuesday, or fixing his favorite dish because he mowed the lawn; these are all simple ways to make love to each other emotionally. Now if you're going to do these things it should genuinely come from the heart; nothing phony. Do you really love him or her? Then these ideas should'nt be to big of a deal.
Let me let the guys in on a little secret: For most women, physical sex in the bedroom, or shower, or laundryroom, or kitchen, or elevator or.........(let me stop; some of you more conservative folks are getting uncomfortable) where ever, starts in the mind or emotions outside of the bedroom. If you get a woman hot early with some emotional stroking before you get her to the bedroom, then it may not (I said "may not") take her as long to "bust one" in the bed room, if yaw catch my drift here; you understand! This brings us to the second of the big three which is Physical Intimacy, we'll discuss that next time.
But before I close today I just want to say that every marital relationship should at least start with two people falling in love with each other. When your mind becomes emotionally consumed with a person you are also very physically attracted to, and you want to share all you have with them, that's the definition of "falling in love"; this is why people should get married. Unfortunately, people get married for other reasons such as, "Well I got her pregnant by mistake", or "Hes got a really good job with benifits", or "Her parents are loaded", or "This will make me a US citizen", or even "So the church won't judge me". I understand that there are examples of marriages that start out for the right reasons and end in divorce a few years later anyway. On the flip side, their are marrieages that start out due to legal or financial advantages only to last until "death do they part"; there are always exceptions to the rules. However, every marital relationship should start out with the true "falling in love" experience.
Yes boys and girls, Multilevel Intimacy is what marriage is. Without MLI (Multilevel Intimacy) the symbols and legalities mean nothing. Did you know that you can have MLI without the symbols and legalities? Yeah, you really can; there are high school girlfriends and boyfriends with better MLI than many grown married folks. This starts with emotional intimacy which is the deepest level of MLI. Have you noticed that many times when a relationship is fresh and new, that two people can spend hours talking, whether on the phone or in person; they can talk all night long until the sun comes up, without appearing exhausted. This is because of the emotional energy they feed one another during these initial stages. This is when souls come together and began to engage one another; when minds began to "hug and kiss". Sometimes it's so intense that their thoughts seem to be your thoughts, and your thoughts are theirs; almost like esp. When you're away from them you think about them and can't wait to see them; and when you're together you hate to leave or see them go. This is the connectivity of two spirits intertwined. This is very deep. Virtually no sacrifice is to great for them. If they needed a kidney, you'd give one of yours. Their mood may affect your appetite. This is the reason why emotional affairs outside of the marriage is so serious. A man can have sex with a woman without even knowing her first name; simply because he likes the size of her boobs, and not call her for the next two weeks after wards while enjoying #1 specials at Burger King. But loose his appetite over a woman he hasn't even touched yet just based on an emotionally deep connection that's been lost.
Why is this so deep? Why is this the most important of what I will call the "big 3" of the MLI? Because it transcends the physical realm; it's spiritual. It's an intimacy of invisible vibrational proportions. It is the "spirit" that inhabits and gives life to a relationship much like the spirit inhabits a human body and gives it life. How does a couple maintain this extremely important part of the MLI?
One thing they need to try to do is start their relationship with as many things in common as possible including religion, politics, and hobbies. When couples have too many interests that naturally separates them from each other like different TV shows that may have them watching different TVs in different rooms of the house, a gap in emotional connectivity may start to develop and evolve over time. They may even go to movie theaters or plays separately because they have broadly different tastes in entertainment. Emotional intimacy is likely maintained the more time spent together enjoying similar interests. Another very important factor, speaking of time spent together, is work and career schedules. For the exception of maybe a handful of couples, long distant and separate relationships are, at the very least, challenging. If you have schedules, jobs, or routines that don't allow for regular and significant time spent together, there is the danger, or tendency (however you see it) for ones soul to fill in the gap with someone else; be it a co-worker, another church member, next door neighbor, or anyone else more available for you than your spouse. Many times this is not deliberate, it just happens. Couples should go on trips and vacations together. Although I do support and think it healthy for everyone to have some "me time", it shouldn't be that every time you have to go out of town, the wife or husband is left behind.
There are some rather smaller issues as well regarding this spiritual/emotional factor. For example: is your man funny, or at least tries to be? Perhaps when you first hooked up a number of years ago his jokes were funny enough to you that you fell over laughing; remember that? When was the last time you laughed at one? What; he's not funny anymore? Maybe time and life has robbed you of your sense of humor? Laughing at each others jokes and humorous stories, sharing interesting stories about ones day at work, the mall, or church, discussing a movie, TV show, political views, the news of the day, etc., are ways that couples emotioanlly engage and connect to one another. Eating dinner together at home, or showing up for a lunch date at her job. Buying yellow and red roses for her just because it's Tuesday, or fixing his favorite dish because he mowed the lawn; these are all simple ways to make love to each other emotionally. Now if you're going to do these things it should genuinely come from the heart; nothing phony. Do you really love him or her? Then these ideas should'nt be to big of a deal.
Let me let the guys in on a little secret: For most women, physical sex in the bedroom, or shower, or laundryroom, or kitchen, or elevator or.........(let me stop; some of you more conservative folks are getting uncomfortable) where ever, starts in the mind or emotions outside of the bedroom. If you get a woman hot early with some emotional stroking before you get her to the bedroom, then it may not (I said "may not") take her as long to "bust one" in the bed room, if yaw catch my drift here; you understand! This brings us to the second of the big three which is Physical Intimacy, we'll discuss that next time.
But before I close today I just want to say that every marital relationship should at least start with two people falling in love with each other. When your mind becomes emotionally consumed with a person you are also very physically attracted to, and you want to share all you have with them, that's the definition of "falling in love"; this is why people should get married. Unfortunately, people get married for other reasons such as, "Well I got her pregnant by mistake", or "Hes got a really good job with benifits", or "Her parents are loaded", or "This will make me a US citizen", or even "So the church won't judge me". I understand that there are examples of marriages that start out for the right reasons and end in divorce a few years later anyway. On the flip side, their are marrieages that start out due to legal or financial advantages only to last until "death do they part"; there are always exceptions to the rules. However, every marital relationship should start out with the true "falling in love" experience.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint Part 3
Hello and good evening to all of you all. I hope dinner was all that you expected (right now, as I type this, it's about 8:24pm, or 20 hundred hours for you military folk). Well last post we discussed some of the main things marriage is not, and I said that we'd discuss, this time, what it really is. But before I do that, let me mention one other thing that it's not: It's not simply your living arrangement!
Marriage is not simply living in the same house; it's not simply parking in the same driveway. I may have mentioned earlier in previous discussions that there are legally married couples who don't even sleep in the same bedroom any more, they probably haven't shared body fluids (sex) in months, and they drive separate cars to the same church on Sundays, even though there is no apparent need to. So although they may share an address, there is no real substance to the sharing. They may simply be "living together" for the sake of the kids, for expense, or in the words of a famous blues singer, "It's just cheaper to keep her". I'm reminded of the movie "War Of The Roses", staring Michael Douglas in which he plays a husband who refuses to move out of the house, even though his wife adamantly insists that she's fed up with him and that the best thing he can do for her from now on is pay child support. Those of you familiar with this interesting movie know what happens in the end: they end up killing each other!
So let's get to it: What really is a marriage? I believe that marriage, in the true spirit (underline the word "spirit"), heart, and essence of what most of us really want, what our souls really yearn for, and what truly makes us happy with each other is INTIMACY!!! But not just any type of intimacy, for you see, you can be intimate, at a certain level; to a certain extent, with your mom, your brother, your doctor, your pastor, your next door neighbor, an inmate at the county jail; anyone you share a deep connection with at any given point in time. Marriage, however, is intimacy on at least four levels: spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial. People who envision a happy marriage with another person imagine a deep connection with a person's mind, body, soul, and checkbook. I can just about guarantee you this: when ever there is trouble in a couples relationship you can trace the source of the problem to at least one of these four areas; either they're not on the same page spiritually, they're not clicking emotionally, there's trouble in the bedroom, or there's money woes. Out of the four, however, in most cases, I would have to say that the spiritual/emotional connection is the most critical, followed by the hot and steamy bedroom action (hopefully), followed up by the earning, sharing, and managing of the "Benjamins" baby. Now for many of you, according to your unique personalities, these four can be rearranged in importance. Some people feel like the money is more important, while others feel like if he aint throwing down in the bedroom it's going to be a rough "ride" (pun intended). And others just want a friend that understands them in every way. "You should be able to look into my eyes, and tell what I'm thinking". They say there should be this "vibe" between us. They feel like they should have some sort of shared esp; almost psychic in nature.
As we take a closer look at this word INTIMACY and break it down, let's say is slowly: IN TI MA CY; hmmmmm, notice how it almost sounds like you're saying "In to me see"! Did you get that? You see, when you ask someone to be intimate with you, what you are literally requesting of them is to see into you; to have enough care, concern, and interest in you as a person to consider what matters to you; to consider your thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, opinions, hopes, dreams, visions, aspirations, beliefs, likes, and dislikes, fears, hopes, etc. In other words to really "know" you as the soul underneath the flesh that you truly are. Please consider this, for this is deep. The divorce rate would take a drastic dive if couples cared enough about each other to be truly "intimate"; for this is the human soul's reason for wanting to be married.
As I've already stated, if and when a problem develops in the land of "honeymoon bliss", it's usually not because the ring's too small, or the limo's the wrong color, or the bridal shower went overtime, or the license isn't framed properly, or the kitchen should have been painted violet. People who tend to argue and fuss over small "insignificant" details such as toilet seats or how a towel is hung usually have bigger problems underneath the surface, which can usually be traced to one of these three or four (sometimes I tie spiritual and emotional together; in many ways our feelings and emotions are the language of the soul) areas of the relationship.
. ,
In the next post, we will begin to break down these three or four areas in order to try and understand what the real problems with many of us are.
Marriage is not simply living in the same house; it's not simply parking in the same driveway. I may have mentioned earlier in previous discussions that there are legally married couples who don't even sleep in the same bedroom any more, they probably haven't shared body fluids (sex) in months, and they drive separate cars to the same church on Sundays, even though there is no apparent need to. So although they may share an address, there is no real substance to the sharing. They may simply be "living together" for the sake of the kids, for expense, or in the words of a famous blues singer, "It's just cheaper to keep her". I'm reminded of the movie "War Of The Roses", staring Michael Douglas in which he plays a husband who refuses to move out of the house, even though his wife adamantly insists that she's fed up with him and that the best thing he can do for her from now on is pay child support. Those of you familiar with this interesting movie know what happens in the end: they end up killing each other!
So let's get to it: What really is a marriage? I believe that marriage, in the true spirit (underline the word "spirit"), heart, and essence of what most of us really want, what our souls really yearn for, and what truly makes us happy with each other is INTIMACY!!! But not just any type of intimacy, for you see, you can be intimate, at a certain level; to a certain extent, with your mom, your brother, your doctor, your pastor, your next door neighbor, an inmate at the county jail; anyone you share a deep connection with at any given point in time. Marriage, however, is intimacy on at least four levels: spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial. People who envision a happy marriage with another person imagine a deep connection with a person's mind, body, soul, and checkbook. I can just about guarantee you this: when ever there is trouble in a couples relationship you can trace the source of the problem to at least one of these four areas; either they're not on the same page spiritually, they're not clicking emotionally, there's trouble in the bedroom, or there's money woes. Out of the four, however, in most cases, I would have to say that the spiritual/emotional connection is the most critical, followed by the hot and steamy bedroom action (hopefully), followed up by the earning, sharing, and managing of the "Benjamins" baby. Now for many of you, according to your unique personalities, these four can be rearranged in importance. Some people feel like the money is more important, while others feel like if he aint throwing down in the bedroom it's going to be a rough "ride" (pun intended). And others just want a friend that understands them in every way. "You should be able to look into my eyes, and tell what I'm thinking". They say there should be this "vibe" between us. They feel like they should have some sort of shared esp; almost psychic in nature.
As we take a closer look at this word INTIMACY and break it down, let's say is slowly: IN TI MA CY; hmmmmm, notice how it almost sounds like you're saying "In to me see"! Did you get that? You see, when you ask someone to be intimate with you, what you are literally requesting of them is to see into you; to have enough care, concern, and interest in you as a person to consider what matters to you; to consider your thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, opinions, hopes, dreams, visions, aspirations, beliefs, likes, and dislikes, fears, hopes, etc. In other words to really "know" you as the soul underneath the flesh that you truly are. Please consider this, for this is deep. The divorce rate would take a drastic dive if couples cared enough about each other to be truly "intimate"; for this is the human soul's reason for wanting to be married.
As I've already stated, if and when a problem develops in the land of "honeymoon bliss", it's usually not because the ring's too small, or the limo's the wrong color, or the bridal shower went overtime, or the license isn't framed properly, or the kitchen should have been painted violet. People who tend to argue and fuss over small "insignificant" details such as toilet seats or how a towel is hung usually have bigger problems underneath the surface, which can usually be traced to one of these three or four (sometimes I tie spiritual and emotional together; in many ways our feelings and emotions are the language of the soul) areas of the relationship.
. ,
In the next post, we will begin to break down these three or four areas in order to try and understand what the real problems with many of us are.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint Part 2
Happy Thursday to you all. Chicago's an interesting place, as far as weather goes: 60 degrees one day, 37 the next. This is what we go through in months like March and April. Well anyway let's continue this thought on what marriage really is, as far as the true spirit of it is concerned. However, before we wrestle with what it is, let's first discuss what many believe it to be. Many are under the impression that it's the $1700.00 diamond, 14k gold ring she and he sports on the fourth finger of the left hand. How many marriages have been jeopardized by the loss or misplacement of this piece of jewelry, hmm? Some people think it's the license, or in the words of some people, it's "the papers", "Oh I got papers on my man!" A rrreeeaaaallyyy big deal is made over these "papers". It's critically important to many people, especially conservative people, to have something recorded downtown that tells the world, "I legally got em". Many will even say that God will get upset with you if you move in together without first securing these papers. And still to others, it's the "wedding day" and all of the events leading up to it. Yaw know what I'm talking about; the invitations, the bridal showers, picking out the dress, the rehearsals, food for the reception, the ice sculpture, etc.
Are any of these things really the marriage? No, no, no! Now are they important to some degree? Yeeaahhh! Let's start with the ring: It is a 3 part symbol of what a marriage is ideally expected to be. The diamond represents marriage's toughness, hardness, and splendor. As the foundation of the family, marriage is expected to be the "solid rock" on which a family is built. The diamond, besides it's beauty, is the hardest natural substance known to man. Then there is the second part of the ring, which is the gold portion; which represents marriage's purity and the idea that it should be resistant to outside forces and elements. As you may know, gold is a precious metal that is highly resistant to rust, corrosion and tarnish. Finally there is the third portion of the ring, which is it's shape and make up; an unbroken circle. Like the ring, marriage is meant to be an unbroken circle where the husband and wife face each other, holding hands, and no one; mother, father, kids, next door neighbors, Bugs Bunny (lol), comes between them. Now if your marriage does not really experience these characteristics, wearing a freakin ring isn't going to help, now is it? On the flip side, the absence of a ring doesn't mean that these characteristics do not exist.
Well, what about the license, or the "papers"; the legalities of the union. This means that the government recognizes the two of you as a legal partnership. The state sees the two of you as a legal entity, much like a company or a corporation. Your relationship sort of becomes a "business", thus, there are special benefits that the state will bestow upon this union as a result. According to the law, there are about 1400 different legal benefits and privileges to having a clerk recorded marriage. Many of these "benefits", however, only really kick in in the event that something goes wrong in the relationship, such as death benefits, the ability to make critical decisions when the other is too sick or comatosed to do so for themselves, or in the case of a divorce. One of the things a corporation does is it protects it's individual members from personal liability as a result of the company's business dealings. So the corporation is like an insurance policy; which is what legal marriage really is: an insurance policy for the union. But as you are aware, you can't drive or wash an insurance policy, so it's not a car. You can't live in and move furniture into an insurance policy; so it's not a house, You can't groom and dress medical insurance; so it's not your body. Likewise, you can't hug, squeeze, kiss, talk to, and share thoughts, hopes, and dreams with a license at the county clerks office; so it's not your marriage. How many couples do you know of that, in spite of having the "papers", cheat, they lack trust for one another, they sleep in separate beds, they spend little or no time together, haven't had sex in months, and may even live in separate homes.
And as far as the wedding day goes (this is a favorite for the brides to be; us fellows just kind of show up in a properly fitting tux), this is a public announcement and celebration of your decision for "the two to become one". Now don't get me wrong; marriage is the foundation for families, communities, businesses, churches, and nations: why wouldn't you celebrate it? Of course you should. If you've got $100,000 to spend on a wedding, and you can really afford this, go for it! Get the extravagant dresses, cakes, limos, stringers, rice, macaroni; all of that. It truly is a big deal. But how many people spend over $77,000 on a wedding, for a relationship that ends up proving itself in less than to years to be worth about 17 cents. No my friends; the wedding is not truly the marriage either.
So what really is a marriage if this other stuff really aint? We'll discuss that next time.
Are any of these things really the marriage? No, no, no! Now are they important to some degree? Yeeaahhh! Let's start with the ring: It is a 3 part symbol of what a marriage is ideally expected to be. The diamond represents marriage's toughness, hardness, and splendor. As the foundation of the family, marriage is expected to be the "solid rock" on which a family is built. The diamond, besides it's beauty, is the hardest natural substance known to man. Then there is the second part of the ring, which is the gold portion; which represents marriage's purity and the idea that it should be resistant to outside forces and elements. As you may know, gold is a precious metal that is highly resistant to rust, corrosion and tarnish. Finally there is the third portion of the ring, which is it's shape and make up; an unbroken circle. Like the ring, marriage is meant to be an unbroken circle where the husband and wife face each other, holding hands, and no one; mother, father, kids, next door neighbors, Bugs Bunny (lol), comes between them. Now if your marriage does not really experience these characteristics, wearing a freakin ring isn't going to help, now is it? On the flip side, the absence of a ring doesn't mean that these characteristics do not exist.
Well, what about the license, or the "papers"; the legalities of the union. This means that the government recognizes the two of you as a legal partnership. The state sees the two of you as a legal entity, much like a company or a corporation. Your relationship sort of becomes a "business", thus, there are special benefits that the state will bestow upon this union as a result. According to the law, there are about 1400 different legal benefits and privileges to having a clerk recorded marriage. Many of these "benefits", however, only really kick in in the event that something goes wrong in the relationship, such as death benefits, the ability to make critical decisions when the other is too sick or comatosed to do so for themselves, or in the case of a divorce. One of the things a corporation does is it protects it's individual members from personal liability as a result of the company's business dealings. So the corporation is like an insurance policy; which is what legal marriage really is: an insurance policy for the union. But as you are aware, you can't drive or wash an insurance policy, so it's not a car. You can't live in and move furniture into an insurance policy; so it's not a house, You can't groom and dress medical insurance; so it's not your body. Likewise, you can't hug, squeeze, kiss, talk to, and share thoughts, hopes, and dreams with a license at the county clerks office; so it's not your marriage. How many couples do you know of that, in spite of having the "papers", cheat, they lack trust for one another, they sleep in separate beds, they spend little or no time together, haven't had sex in months, and may even live in separate homes.
And as far as the wedding day goes (this is a favorite for the brides to be; us fellows just kind of show up in a properly fitting tux), this is a public announcement and celebration of your decision for "the two to become one". Now don't get me wrong; marriage is the foundation for families, communities, businesses, churches, and nations: why wouldn't you celebrate it? Of course you should. If you've got $100,000 to spend on a wedding, and you can really afford this, go for it! Get the extravagant dresses, cakes, limos, stringers, rice, macaroni; all of that. It truly is a big deal. But how many people spend over $77,000 on a wedding, for a relationship that ends up proving itself in less than to years to be worth about 17 cents. No my friends; the wedding is not truly the marriage either.
So what really is a marriage if this other stuff really aint? We'll discuss that next time.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Marriage: What It Really Is, What It Aint
Good morning everyone. As I began to write this, it's about, oh, um, we'll say 11:05 am Saturday morning; just dropped my daughter, Tyra, off at Glenbard West High school in a suburb about 19 miles west of Chicago. As you know, being a family man; married to a wonderful girl for 20 years with 4 kids and 2 extended kids (sorry, I'm not ready to embrace the title "grand daddy" yet; I feel too young for that still), as well as a pulpit minister for over 30 years, the subject of marriage and family is heavily on my mind and heart quite a bit. So I tend to be a bit sensitive to discussions, issues, and debates about this foundational matter.
In recent times, the question has come up; "Is being homosexual the new black?" As Most of you are aware, there was a time in this country when people, particularly blacks, were denied certain rights and privileges simply because God used "the wrong crayon", in some peoples' opinion. Well that was a few years ago. Thanks to legislative measures, as well as perseverance and some eventual common sense, much of that ignorance is behind us; not all of it, but most of it. Now, the issue shifts to "gay rights", including whether or not they should be recognized, by the law, to be "married", with all of the "legal" rights and privileges that accompanies the "legal" recognition. Conservative religious folks, mainly Christians, lead the way in protesting and fighting against those rights (man, every freakin time I look around, we protestin somethin) , under the idea that homosexuals seek, through trying to legalize marriage for themselves, to "redefine" what marriage is. Can they really do that? I mean, can they rrrrreeeeaaalllly redefine what marriage is? If you think they can; if you think that the spirit of what marriage is can be defined or redetermined by a legislative decision; by the stroke of a political pen, by "legal" recognition, than perhaps you don't really understand what the "spirit of marriage" truly is! NO ONE has the power to redefine marriage!!!!!!! Even if you legislate it. That's because of what the "spirit" of marriage really is. You couldn't even have a family business of any sort unless the spirit of marriage preceded.
So what really is the "spirit" of marriage? What really makes it the foundation of our family and society? What really makes it a safe-haven for children growing up? In the next few posts, I intend to address, in my God-given opinion, what marriage is, what it's not, and the significance of the legalities. Want to weigh in? Feel free to share your comments. However, in the words of Sir Charles Barkley, in a recent series of cell phone commercials, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it."
In recent times, the question has come up; "Is being homosexual the new black?" As Most of you are aware, there was a time in this country when people, particularly blacks, were denied certain rights and privileges simply because God used "the wrong crayon", in some peoples' opinion. Well that was a few years ago. Thanks to legislative measures, as well as perseverance and some eventual common sense, much of that ignorance is behind us; not all of it, but most of it. Now, the issue shifts to "gay rights", including whether or not they should be recognized, by the law, to be "married", with all of the "legal" rights and privileges that accompanies the "legal" recognition. Conservative religious folks, mainly Christians, lead the way in protesting and fighting against those rights (man, every freakin time I look around, we protestin somethin) , under the idea that homosexuals seek, through trying to legalize marriage for themselves, to "redefine" what marriage is. Can they really do that? I mean, can they rrrrreeeeaaalllly redefine what marriage is? If you think they can; if you think that the spirit of what marriage is can be defined or redetermined by a legislative decision; by the stroke of a political pen, by "legal" recognition, than perhaps you don't really understand what the "spirit of marriage" truly is! NO ONE has the power to redefine marriage!!!!!!! Even if you legislate it. That's because of what the "spirit" of marriage really is. You couldn't even have a family business of any sort unless the spirit of marriage preceded.
So what really is the "spirit" of marriage? What really makes it the foundation of our family and society? What really makes it a safe-haven for children growing up? In the next few posts, I intend to address, in my God-given opinion, what marriage is, what it's not, and the significance of the legalities. Want to weigh in? Feel free to share your comments. However, in the words of Sir Charles Barkley, in a recent series of cell phone commercials, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it."
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Good evening saints, sinners, atheist, Muslims, homosexuals; I love you all, and invite you into the world of my mind and thoughts, and I look forward to reading and hearing some of your opinions on some of these matters as well.
We are continuing our discussion from a little over a week ago concerning the 4 Ps of parenting. This time around I'd like to deal with the fourth and final p which is "power", or energy; in fact, that's the word I really want to use here, energy. I said power because I needed a 4th p. In many circles power and energy mean the same thing. Any hoo, It takes a great deal of energy to raise and deal with these precious ones from birth all the way up to the wedding, military, or college date and beyond. You need enough energy to make sure diapers are changed in a timely a fashion. Most times diaper rash is due to either tired, forgetful, overwhelmed, or just plain ole negligent parents. It takes energy to cook proper healthy meals for them consistently instead of throwing together quick tasty crap like pizza and donuts with pop. It takes energy to see to it that their hairs are combed, teeth is brushed, clothes are wrinkled-free and clean, and butts are consistently washed. Faithful monitoring of their school work; checking their assignments on-line, attending school meetings, and maintaining communication with the teachers require this energy. Consistently supervising house-hold chores, maintaining and managing well kept shot records, getting them regular physicals and dental appointments, paying careful attention to each individual child's gifts, talents, weaknesses, and personalities; all while being a good role model and practicing what you preach, requires much energy. Being a good, attentive listener who gathers all of the facts before rushing to judgement and silly decisions requires energy.
Now, where does this energy come from? I will agree that it is difficult to maintain this type of energy, or power, on an ongoing and consistent basis throughout their childhood and teenage years, especially if you have more than two children. This is one reason why I highly recommend two-parent families. Your family business success is maximized by the energies of two people rather than just one. Now I'm not saying that a single mom or dad can't do it; indeed, many of them are doing a fantastic job. However, there are reasons why it takes a man and a woman to have a baby; I will discuss all of those reasons at a later time, but for the purpose of this discussion, one reason is because when the responsibility is shared by two, it is much easier for the both of them to conserve, maintain, and build up individual energy. Now I can understand why you'd have a single parent due to divorce, death, or military absence. There are even many young women out there who, as a result of enjoying themselves, end up pregnant by "accident"; thus becoming young single mothers, as apposed abortion. But what gets me is the many women out there who deliberately and purposely decide ahead of time to have a child without the partnership of a father. Once again; not that it can't be done, but if your intention is to give your child the very best, than two parents (mom and dad) is definitely the way to go. After all, two batteries supply more power than just one.
Now before some of you "on purpose" single moms get upset with me about my promotion of the energies of a mom and dad together, let me add that I believe I do understand why you would deliberately choose the single route. There are at least two things that God/Nature has programmed a woman to want in general, and that is a husband and a baby. Now you can argue with me, but I know I'm right. Ladies, this is not a bad thing. The problem, however, is that many times, in today's society, the baby seems to be much easier to get and keep than the man. Many of you would prefer both, but since there are no guarantees about securing the husband, you just decide to take your chances with just the baby and hope for the best. I get that; I'll be praying that God gives you the energy it takes to do a good job on your own.
But most of us could use some assistance.
Besides a partner, it also helps to be of sound mind and good health. Although some of you may be saying, "Daaaah, that should be obvious", you may be surprised at how many parents don't eat right, which includes fruits, vegetables, fiber, and plenty of water; as well as regular exercise. I get the feeling sometimes that we grow up and think that gym is just for grammar and high school (indeed, many of us only run for a bus). I saw on the news just the other day where a ninety year old woman was on the slopes skiing. Although there are some things you should mature past, you never out grow fun, recreation, and playing. These are some of the ways to replenish some energy and power.
Finally, I believe we all can benefit from some spiritual edification and inspiration. Whether you know it or not, you are an eternal spirit being having a temporary human experience; and you miss out on something very valuable and vital when you go through life ignoring your spiritual side. Now I'm not here to preach any particular religion. Some of you will say, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus", some of you will say, "Muhammad", and still others of you may say "Jehovah". And then some people will just meditate and do "yoga". Whatever your taste may be, we all should tap into the spirit force within to help generate some much needed energy.
In closing this discussion on the 4 Ps, if we as parents make it a practice and a habit of being patient, present, persistent, and full of power or energy, I believe our families, communities, companies, country, and world will have a much brighter future thanks, in great part, to great adults who were once raised by great parents.
Now before some of you "on purpose" single moms get upset with me about my promotion of the energies of a mom and dad together, let me add that I believe I do understand why you would deliberately choose the single route. There are at least two things that God/Nature has programmed a woman to want in general, and that is a husband and a baby. Now you can argue with me, but I know I'm right. Ladies, this is not a bad thing. The problem, however, is that many times, in today's society, the baby seems to be much easier to get and keep than the man. Many of you would prefer both, but since there are no guarantees about securing the husband, you just decide to take your chances with just the baby and hope for the best. I get that; I'll be praying that God gives you the energy it takes to do a good job on your own.
But most of us could use some assistance.
Besides a partner, it also helps to be of sound mind and good health. Although some of you may be saying, "Daaaah, that should be obvious", you may be surprised at how many parents don't eat right, which includes fruits, vegetables, fiber, and plenty of water; as well as regular exercise. I get the feeling sometimes that we grow up and think that gym is just for grammar and high school (indeed, many of us only run for a bus). I saw on the news just the other day where a ninety year old woman was on the slopes skiing. Although there are some things you should mature past, you never out grow fun, recreation, and playing. These are some of the ways to replenish some energy and power.
Finally, I believe we all can benefit from some spiritual edification and inspiration. Whether you know it or not, you are an eternal spirit being having a temporary human experience; and you miss out on something very valuable and vital when you go through life ignoring your spiritual side. Now I'm not here to preach any particular religion. Some of you will say, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus", some of you will say, "Muhammad", and still others of you may say "Jehovah". And then some people will just meditate and do "yoga". Whatever your taste may be, we all should tap into the spirit force within to help generate some much needed energy.
In closing this discussion on the 4 Ps, if we as parents make it a practice and a habit of being patient, present, persistent, and full of power or energy, I believe our families, communities, companies, country, and world will have a much brighter future thanks, in great part, to great adults who were once raised by great parents.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Happy Friday(TGIF)to everyone today. I'm going to try to get through this in spite of a some-what painful left hand. Last time we considered the 2nd P of our discussion which was "patience". This time we'll continue on with the 3rd which is "persistence". I don't know how many of you parents feel the way I'm about to describe, but have you ever felt tired or exhausted from having to say the same freakin thing over, and over..........and over again; huh? Every d**mn day it's either the dishes, or their room, or their clothes, or their homework, or the garbage, or_______________; just fill in the blank. At first, you may think that this young person may have "down syndrome" that the doctors some how missed. Or that they may just simply be, I don't know, stupid or something. Why in the world does this person need to be told the same thing over and over again? Doesn't this child understand that I need their help, and that I'm not just assigning chores for my amusement?
Now, some parents claim to have an answer to this problem; "Well, I just beats they ass!", or, "I'd whoop the hell outa em!". Or maybe some of you more sophisticated, modern parents may say, "Perhaps a time out is in order.", or even, "I'll suspend a desired privilege." Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that these methods wouldn't provide some cooperative motivation on the part of your kid; scaring people into cooperation does work. But I do need to tell you that using scare tactics is not operating in love; at least not perfect love. Oh, you disagree; "It worked for my momma and grand momma, and It works for me, and you can't tell me I don't love my kids", you say. Well I can almost assure you that even though you may "beat the hell out of them" with good intentions, they aren't feeling the "love" at the time of the "disciplinary assault". All you are doing is planting seeds of wrath and resentment in them, which leads to division, alienation, and a break down in communication in the latter teen years. Just because a shovel works doesn't mean I won't take my money and go get a snow blower.
Listen; these are your kids; that means they instinctively love you and, thus, really mean you, as their parents, no harm. At times, when they appear to disobey, not hear you, not do what you tell them to do, etc..... it's not because they are deliberately trying to defy you; they simply need your loving, attentive persistence to perpetually push them along towards maturity. Let me explain something about us as we enter this world as new babies: WE COME HERE SELFISH!!! Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing; as babies. You see, babies can't talk, can't walk, can't dress, feed, clean, or buy for themselves. That's why they cry, scream and holla, with no regards to whether or not it's an inconvenience to you. The selfishness is a survival mechanism designed to protect them from starvation, sickness, serious diaper rash, and conditions such as freezing or heat strokes. As these babies continue to grow into toddlers, children, and even adolescents, however, the survival mechanism of selfishness tends to linger on in them, even though they no longer need it as much. Therefore, they naturally try to avoid anything that's not "fun", enjoyable, or comfortable; even though it may be needed to help you in and around the house; or to achieve good grades in school.
For this, they need your persistent help. This is a mechanism that has to be worked out of them over time. And furthermore, this needs to start as soon as they are old enough to put together sentences and safely walk up and down the stairs on their own. Once started, you, as the parent, should persistently work with them throughout their childhood; with the dishes, with the laundry, with cleaning their rooms, cutting grass, taking out the trash, ironing, cooking, etc. And there shouldn't be a certain household chore or job for girls or boys only. Teach both to do it ALL. This is why you need to always be "present" and "patient", so that your "persistence" becomes much more effective.
If you will commit yourself to being lovingly persistent in your parenting supervision, you'll find that eventually, as they get older, consistency in your present and patient persistence will create gradual "programming" which will cause them, at some point, to assist you on auto pilot. "But", you say, "That sounds like a lot of work!", and your right; it IS a lot of work: that's what you signed up for honey. This is why you need the last and final P, which is "power"; which we'll discuss next time.
Now, some parents claim to have an answer to this problem; "Well, I just beats they ass!", or, "I'd whoop the hell outa em!". Or maybe some of you more sophisticated, modern parents may say, "Perhaps a time out is in order.", or even, "I'll suspend a desired privilege." Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that these methods wouldn't provide some cooperative motivation on the part of your kid; scaring people into cooperation does work. But I do need to tell you that using scare tactics is not operating in love; at least not perfect love. Oh, you disagree; "It worked for my momma and grand momma, and It works for me, and you can't tell me I don't love my kids", you say. Well I can almost assure you that even though you may "beat the hell out of them" with good intentions, they aren't feeling the "love" at the time of the "disciplinary assault". All you are doing is planting seeds of wrath and resentment in them, which leads to division, alienation, and a break down in communication in the latter teen years. Just because a shovel works doesn't mean I won't take my money and go get a snow blower.
Listen; these are your kids; that means they instinctively love you and, thus, really mean you, as their parents, no harm. At times, when they appear to disobey, not hear you, not do what you tell them to do, etc..... it's not because they are deliberately trying to defy you; they simply need your loving, attentive persistence to perpetually push them along towards maturity. Let me explain something about us as we enter this world as new babies: WE COME HERE SELFISH!!! Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing; as babies. You see, babies can't talk, can't walk, can't dress, feed, clean, or buy for themselves. That's why they cry, scream and holla, with no regards to whether or not it's an inconvenience to you. The selfishness is a survival mechanism designed to protect them from starvation, sickness, serious diaper rash, and conditions such as freezing or heat strokes. As these babies continue to grow into toddlers, children, and even adolescents, however, the survival mechanism of selfishness tends to linger on in them, even though they no longer need it as much. Therefore, they naturally try to avoid anything that's not "fun", enjoyable, or comfortable; even though it may be needed to help you in and around the house; or to achieve good grades in school.
For this, they need your persistent help. This is a mechanism that has to be worked out of them over time. And furthermore, this needs to start as soon as they are old enough to put together sentences and safely walk up and down the stairs on their own. Once started, you, as the parent, should persistently work with them throughout their childhood; with the dishes, with the laundry, with cleaning their rooms, cutting grass, taking out the trash, ironing, cooking, etc. And there shouldn't be a certain household chore or job for girls or boys only. Teach both to do it ALL. This is why you need to always be "present" and "patient", so that your "persistence" becomes much more effective.
If you will commit yourself to being lovingly persistent in your parenting supervision, you'll find that eventually, as they get older, consistency in your present and patient persistence will create gradual "programming" which will cause them, at some point, to assist you on auto pilot. "But", you say, "That sounds like a lot of work!", and your right; it IS a lot of work: that's what you signed up for honey. This is why you need the last and final P, which is "power"; which we'll discuss next time.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Four Ps of Parenting Part 2
Well hello to you all; how is everyone doing? Well today, here in Chi-town, the weather is warmer, the snow is melting, and the pot holes are forming! Praise God!!! Anyway we are continuing the 4 Ps of parenting with the 2nd which is ‘Patience”. You have some parents that may be present, but they’re not very patient. For you Bible readers, one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience.
Why should a parent be patient? Let me explain it this way: Is there anyone out there who knows anything about cooking? Then you are familiar with “slow cooking” (you may even have a crock pot). What does slow cooking do for your meat? My experience is that it makes for nice easy to chew, juicy, tender meat; and it makes good natural gravy. What does this have to do with your kids? Your kids are a work in progress. From the moment of conception (when she first gets pregnant) everything that person can and will be as a full grown person is ALREADY embedded in that embryo! As a side note: For those of you wrestling with the abortion question as to whether an embryo is a real, full, human person; God told me to tell you that the answer is YES; period!!! Any hooo, just like good tender meat takes time to properly cook, your child takes time to mature and grow in wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. It is no wonder why childhood is from birth to approximately 12 to 13 years old.
In recent years, the microwave oven has become a part of the regular kitchen appliance line-up. My observation, however, is that although the microwave may be good for heating warm coffee, it is not good for cooking good meals. Unfortunately, some of us want “microwave kids”; we want them to be able to walk, talk, clean their own asses, clean a house according to our specifications, get a job, and make good wise decisions, before theirs first tooth!!! Oh I’m wrong, huh? Look how much time it takes for moms to put away the breast in exchange for the bottle. We are impatient! Another side note; when should you put away the breast? A good guide is when your child is old enough to verbally ask for strawberry Kool Aid instead of milk (about 2 years at least).
As your children are learning, growing, and figuring out how life in their brand new body works, they need your loving, patient guidance to help see them through. When you are patient with them they become “tender” for you; in other words they are easy and cooperative to work with; even in their teenage years. And furthermore, when you are
patient, they become “gravy” for you; in other words not only do they have character that “tastes” good, but when they are “adults in training (teenagers), and during times when you are tired, stressed, and threatened to be overwhelmed by domestic and career responsibilities, they can “cover’ you by taking up some of the slack.
Next time we’ll take a look at the 3rd P, Persistence; see ya.
Why should a parent be patient? Let me explain it this way: Is there anyone out there who knows anything about cooking? Then you are familiar with “slow cooking” (you may even have a crock pot). What does slow cooking do for your meat? My experience is that it makes for nice easy to chew, juicy, tender meat; and it makes good natural gravy. What does this have to do with your kids? Your kids are a work in progress. From the moment of conception (when she first gets pregnant) everything that person can and will be as a full grown person is ALREADY embedded in that embryo! As a side note: For those of you wrestling with the abortion question as to whether an embryo is a real, full, human person; God told me to tell you that the answer is YES; period!!! Any hooo, just like good tender meat takes time to properly cook, your child takes time to mature and grow in wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. It is no wonder why childhood is from birth to approximately 12 to 13 years old.
In recent years, the microwave oven has become a part of the regular kitchen appliance line-up. My observation, however, is that although the microwave may be good for heating warm coffee, it is not good for cooking good meals. Unfortunately, some of us want “microwave kids”; we want them to be able to walk, talk, clean their own asses, clean a house according to our specifications, get a job, and make good wise decisions, before theirs first tooth!!! Oh I’m wrong, huh? Look how much time it takes for moms to put away the breast in exchange for the bottle. We are impatient! Another side note; when should you put away the breast? A good guide is when your child is old enough to verbally ask for strawberry Kool Aid instead of milk (about 2 years at least).
As your children are learning, growing, and figuring out how life in their brand new body works, they need your loving, patient guidance to help see them through. When you are patient with them they become “tender” for you; in other words they are easy and cooperative to work with; even in their teenage years. And furthermore, when you are
patient, they become “gravy” for you; in other words not only do they have character that “tastes” good, but when they are “adults in training (teenagers), and during times when you are tired, stressed, and threatened to be overwhelmed by domestic and career responsibilities, they can “cover’ you by taking up some of the slack.
Next time we’ll take a look at the 3rd P, Persistence; see ya.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Four P's To Parenting Part 1
Greetings to you all. Well it's been a while since I last contributed my thoughts for your consideration, so I'd like to do that today. L left off last time mentioning the 4 P's of parenting which are; presence, patience, persistence, and finally power. Allow me to break these 4 down starting with presence. If you imagine yourself to be an effective parent to your children and adults-in-training (teenagers), then there is no substitute for being physically and emotionally available to them, starting from birth!!!
At the risk of making anyone feel bad or guilty (that is not the intention of this forum), one of the biggest disappointments to parenting, as far as I'm concerned, is our societies' need for day care. Let me be absolutely clear: Mothers are designed by God to physically care for their own babies around the clock!!! You see, Mother Nature equipped you with something day care could never provide for your precious little one; breasts full of milk! What's the significance of this you ask? God told me to tell you that when a baby is forming in her mother's womb, milk is naturally and systematically forming at the same time to meet the physical and neurological needs of your baby in particular. That means the milk forming in your breasts is designed to meet the needs of that baby only! No one else's baby but yours!
If you had four kids at four different times, the milk formed at each pregnancy was different!!! Did you know that? Now I'm not trying to speak a bad word against Similac, for example; thank goodness for them. All I'm saying is that if your baby isn't getting the benefit of the milk specifically and personally designed for him, he's missing something important that can only come from mom's presence. It's unfortunate that having to get out and work a job interferes with this very important time in a baby's life.
Since we as a society have comfortably placed our babies in the hands of day care, by the time they are eight, twelve, and sixteen years old we think nothing of being so busy with other things (work, church, bingo, extra marital affairs, etc.), we don't really know our kids, and they don't know us! And we wonder why is it that we have such a tough time relating to our teens. If you want a solid and positive influence on your teens, it starts with always being there for them from the early years. You need to be there for their first words, the first tooth, the first steps, the first fever and trip to the doctor; the first tears from a scraped knee. Be there for the first trip to kindergarten, and so on. If you start this trend of being there from the start; both moms and dads, the teenage years won't be so tough.
A final word about being present; it's not just physically being seen, but it's emotionally being involved.
There are parents who think that just because they're around the house that this counts for being present. But watching All My Children, washing clothes, and changing the oil in the garage doesn't really count, unless you invite your kids to do it with you. The key is Present Interaction; it's about relationship building that starts with buying diapers and continues with their drivers learning permit.
In my next piece we'll consider the second P, which is Patience. Stay tuned.
At the risk of making anyone feel bad or guilty (that is not the intention of this forum), one of the biggest disappointments to parenting, as far as I'm concerned, is our societies' need for day care. Let me be absolutely clear: Mothers are designed by God to physically care for their own babies around the clock!!! You see, Mother Nature equipped you with something day care could never provide for your precious little one; breasts full of milk! What's the significance of this you ask? God told me to tell you that when a baby is forming in her mother's womb, milk is naturally and systematically forming at the same time to meet the physical and neurological needs of your baby in particular. That means the milk forming in your breasts is designed to meet the needs of that baby only! No one else's baby but yours!
If you had four kids at four different times, the milk formed at each pregnancy was different!!! Did you know that? Now I'm not trying to speak a bad word against Similac, for example; thank goodness for them. All I'm saying is that if your baby isn't getting the benefit of the milk specifically and personally designed for him, he's missing something important that can only come from mom's presence. It's unfortunate that having to get out and work a job interferes with this very important time in a baby's life.
Since we as a society have comfortably placed our babies in the hands of day care, by the time they are eight, twelve, and sixteen years old we think nothing of being so busy with other things (work, church, bingo, extra marital affairs, etc.), we don't really know our kids, and they don't know us! And we wonder why is it that we have such a tough time relating to our teens. If you want a solid and positive influence on your teens, it starts with always being there for them from the early years. You need to be there for their first words, the first tooth, the first steps, the first fever and trip to the doctor; the first tears from a scraped knee. Be there for the first trip to kindergarten, and so on. If you start this trend of being there from the start; both moms and dads, the teenage years won't be so tough.
A final word about being present; it's not just physically being seen, but it's emotionally being involved.
There are parents who think that just because they're around the house that this counts for being present. But watching All My Children, washing clothes, and changing the oil in the garage doesn't really count, unless you invite your kids to do it with you. The key is Present Interaction; it's about relationship building that starts with buying diapers and continues with their drivers learning permit.
In my next piece we'll consider the second P, which is Patience. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Train Up A Child
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” These words are taken from a very familiar source: the Bible. No, I am not here to open up the scriptures and deliver a sermon (although I'm sort of use to that). However, in a day and time when more and more people seem to complain about the disrespectful, lazy, fowl mouthed, and undisciplined generation that appears to be developing on the seen today, one has to wonder if we shouldn't be re-visiting this timeless passage of scripture for a timely solution.
When I was in 6th grade (I'm 45 years old today; you figure out how long ago that was), I had a teacher named Mr. McCarthy at Michelle Clark Middle School on Chicago's great west side. During one particular class session, the teacher randomly went around the class asking different students to answer time table problems. He would look at me, for example, and say, rather suddenly, “Seven times eight is what?”. And if the answer was anything other than “56”, my hand was in trouble; because he had a wooden ruler wrapped in electrical tape that he would whack you with if you got the answer wrong. And it didn't do me any good to complain to my parents about this, because they were in full agreement with this “method of education”. Needless to say, not only was I no trouble to my parents or teachers, but I mastered my time tables quite well; thank you very much. (for legal and career reasons, I wouldn't recommend this method to educators today).
Now I'm not saying that we should run out to Office Max, purchase a ruler, wrap it with tape, and start whacking a bunch of kids. However, if we take the above scripture, break it on down, and faithfully apply it to our offspring today (you really don't have to be religious to do this), I know we'll have better success with our children today and tomorrow . I've sited three (3) steps to child training. They are:
1. Modeling or example setting. Have you ever heard the phrase, “what you're doing speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying”? You can't puff on cancer sticks (cigarettes) and tell a child not to smoke. Nor can you “cuss” like a sailor and expect your child to speak like the angels. It just don't work like that (please excuse my Ebonics here). No where else is the phrase “practice what you preach” more critically important than in the raising of children. You've got to “show them” how it's done; believe me, they're watching.
2.Verbal dialogue conduction. Please, do not make the common mistake of thinking that your “good” habits are automatically picked up by your children without checking with them. How do you do that: You talk to them. You should “show and tell”. When do you start doing this? As soon as they are able to talk and hold a conversation (somewhere between 2 and 4 years old). This brings me to the very important matter of what is a child. Before we get to number 3, let me give some insight on this. Because of the “so called” legal age of 18 for smoking and porn, and 21 for drinking, we have a tendency of calling 15 and 16 year olds “kids”. Without going into great detail here, nature sort of dictates that the moment a human is biologically able to produce offspring, they are no longer children, even if you still want to legally label them or treat them as such! Sure, they still need to continue growing and maturing mentally, emotionally, educationally, economically, and experientially. But you can't deny what nature is causing them to feel in their souls. And they tend to rebel against anyone who tries to challenge,ignore, or deny this.
Childhood stretches from birth to around 12 or 13 years old. Beyond this, they are adults in training. As early as 3 to 5 you should require that they help you around the house (cooking, cleaning, moping; stuff like that). Never mind that they are still to little to do some things on their own. They aren't to young to assist you. Show patience, even if they mess up; they're learning. If you do this consistently throughout their childhood years, you won't have to threaten, yell, and scream at them to get them to do these things when they are “adults in training” (and when they are old, they won't depart). When children are young, it's important to them to impress their parents, but as they get to be “adults in training”, impressing their friends becomes the order of their young lives. So get em' while they're young; real young.
3. Finally, scripture also talks about the “rod of correction”. This really only works if you've. done the first two steps and they know that you love them. When they fail to notice your example, and they ignore your words, some form of discipline or punishment can help get their attention. A couple of whacks on the bottom should do the trick (trust me; it won't kill or traumatize them). This should not be done just because they've made you angry or have finally gotten on you “last nerves”. This should be done in a calm but firm manner, with the spirit of teaching in mind. There are times when these little people simply don't understand anything but a swift, precise whack on the backside. “But wait a minute”, you may be saying; “what about time-out?” I'm not saying not to do that; try it. If it works for your child, by all means, do it. Some children respond well to the “time out” method of correction. You may even try withholding a favorite toy, activity, or TV show. Or threaten to give em' Castor Oil (lol). I'm just giving you the most quick and effective way to bring them around. You'll discover that if you make this a practice when they are really children, then you won't have to jump on them and beat the “hell” out of them when they are older (adults in training that is).
You'll find that if you follow these simple steps to training up a child (before they hit puberty) in the way that they should go: Setting a good example, verbal dialogue and instruction, and the rod of correction; that the teen-age years really don't have to be a parent's “nightmare” after all.
One final thought on this subject before I leave you here: Parenting can be a tough job; but somebody has to do it. And if you are one of those individuals or couples that have children, then the job is yours! During these important years of child training and raising, you need what I call the 4 Ps of parenting: Presence, patience, persistence, and power (or “energy”. Hey, energy is a better word than “power”, but I needed a forth word that starts with the letter “P”). I'll explain these 4 Ps in more detail in my next discussion.
When I was in 6th grade (I'm 45 years old today; you figure out how long ago that was), I had a teacher named Mr. McCarthy at Michelle Clark Middle School on Chicago's great west side. During one particular class session, the teacher randomly went around the class asking different students to answer time table problems. He would look at me, for example, and say, rather suddenly, “Seven times eight is what?”. And if the answer was anything other than “56”, my hand was in trouble; because he had a wooden ruler wrapped in electrical tape that he would whack you with if you got the answer wrong. And it didn't do me any good to complain to my parents about this, because they were in full agreement with this “method of education”. Needless to say, not only was I no trouble to my parents or teachers, but I mastered my time tables quite well; thank you very much. (for legal and career reasons, I wouldn't recommend this method to educators today).
Now I'm not saying that we should run out to Office Max, purchase a ruler, wrap it with tape, and start whacking a bunch of kids. However, if we take the above scripture, break it on down, and faithfully apply it to our offspring today (you really don't have to be religious to do this), I know we'll have better success with our children today and tomorrow . I've sited three (3) steps to child training. They are:
1. Modeling or example setting. Have you ever heard the phrase, “what you're doing speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying”? You can't puff on cancer sticks (cigarettes) and tell a child not to smoke. Nor can you “cuss” like a sailor and expect your child to speak like the angels. It just don't work like that (please excuse my Ebonics here). No where else is the phrase “practice what you preach” more critically important than in the raising of children. You've got to “show them” how it's done; believe me, they're watching.
2.Verbal dialogue conduction. Please, do not make the common mistake of thinking that your “good” habits are automatically picked up by your children without checking with them. How do you do that: You talk to them. You should “show and tell”. When do you start doing this? As soon as they are able to talk and hold a conversation (somewhere between 2 and 4 years old). This brings me to the very important matter of what is a child. Before we get to number 3, let me give some insight on this. Because of the “so called” legal age of 18 for smoking and porn, and 21 for drinking, we have a tendency of calling 15 and 16 year olds “kids”. Without going into great detail here, nature sort of dictates that the moment a human is biologically able to produce offspring, they are no longer children, even if you still want to legally label them or treat them as such! Sure, they still need to continue growing and maturing mentally, emotionally, educationally, economically, and experientially. But you can't deny what nature is causing them to feel in their souls. And they tend to rebel against anyone who tries to challenge,ignore, or deny this.
Childhood stretches from birth to around 12 or 13 years old. Beyond this, they are adults in training. As early as 3 to 5 you should require that they help you around the house (cooking, cleaning, moping; stuff like that). Never mind that they are still to little to do some things on their own. They aren't to young to assist you. Show patience, even if they mess up; they're learning. If you do this consistently throughout their childhood years, you won't have to threaten, yell, and scream at them to get them to do these things when they are “adults in training” (and when they are old, they won't depart). When children are young, it's important to them to impress their parents, but as they get to be “adults in training”, impressing their friends becomes the order of their young lives. So get em' while they're young; real young.
3. Finally, scripture also talks about the “rod of correction”. This really only works if you've. done the first two steps and they know that you love them. When they fail to notice your example, and they ignore your words, some form of discipline or punishment can help get their attention. A couple of whacks on the bottom should do the trick (trust me; it won't kill or traumatize them). This should not be done just because they've made you angry or have finally gotten on you “last nerves”. This should be done in a calm but firm manner, with the spirit of teaching in mind. There are times when these little people simply don't understand anything but a swift, precise whack on the backside. “But wait a minute”, you may be saying; “what about time-out?” I'm not saying not to do that; try it. If it works for your child, by all means, do it. Some children respond well to the “time out” method of correction. You may even try withholding a favorite toy, activity, or TV show. Or threaten to give em' Castor Oil (lol). I'm just giving you the most quick and effective way to bring them around. You'll discover that if you make this a practice when they are really children, then you won't have to jump on them and beat the “hell” out of them when they are older (adults in training that is).
You'll find that if you follow these simple steps to training up a child (before they hit puberty) in the way that they should go: Setting a good example, verbal dialogue and instruction, and the rod of correction; that the teen-age years really don't have to be a parent's “nightmare” after all.
One final thought on this subject before I leave you here: Parenting can be a tough job; but somebody has to do it. And if you are one of those individuals or couples that have children, then the job is yours! During these important years of child training and raising, you need what I call the 4 Ps of parenting: Presence, patience, persistence, and power (or “energy”. Hey, energy is a better word than “power”, but I needed a forth word that starts with the letter “P”). I'll explain these 4 Ps in more detail in my next discussion.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
How To Keep Your Man From Cheating
In order for a woman to keep her man from stepping out and cheating on her, it's important for her to understand how vital her support for her man really is. And a man needs to believe that at the end of the day, his woman is right there in his corner. Ladies, take a page from the world of sports. Ever hear of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders? What about The Chicago Luvabulls? These are two of many sports organizations that understand that one way to get men motivated enough to perform to maximum capability is to have a group of pretty, attractive females whooping and hollering, dancing and cheering, pumping fists in the air for the home team and yelling, “Go team go!”
Now your man may not be a quarterback for Dallas, or a point guard for Chicago, but maybe he's an office manager or a salesman, or a mailman, or a truck driver; perhaps an electrician or a painter, or maybe even a laid off worker in between jobs looking for work or going to school to improve his opportunities. What ever he's doing or trying to do, one of the things he's going to need to maximize his attempt is his woman's support of his efforts, work, and ideas.
There is a saying out there that goes something like this; “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.” Many women are masters at putting a man down, making discouraging, condescending remarks, complaining, nagging, fussing, bitching and moaning. It's like she becomes this dark cloud over his head that's constantly drizzling. Many women will claim that this is nothing more than their attempt to motivate improvement in a man that she feels can do better. However ladies, I can assure you that most times this only serves to slowly push him away; usually into the arms of another woman who gives him the support he doesn't feel he's getting from you. You know, many times when men or women cheat, it's not necessarily because they're just looking to fool around for fun, but it's because they discover someone else out there that cares enough to give them some attention and support.
Please allow me at this time to dispel a myth: That in any one life time, there is only one true love or special person out there for any one man or woman; that there is only one soul mate for me or you. Paleeeeze!!! The truth: This planet is loaded with people who would be a good or even a perfect match for you or me. These people may even be of a different race than you; may be a few years younger or older. My point is that there are plenty of women out there that are not only available and willing to be with and support your man, but are also quite compatible with him. So if you aren't giving your man the support he wants and needs, don't be shocked and surprised if some else ends up in his “cheering” section.
Now your man may not be a quarterback for Dallas, or a point guard for Chicago, but maybe he's an office manager or a salesman, or a mailman, or a truck driver; perhaps an electrician or a painter, or maybe even a laid off worker in between jobs looking for work or going to school to improve his opportunities. What ever he's doing or trying to do, one of the things he's going to need to maximize his attempt is his woman's support of his efforts, work, and ideas.
There is a saying out there that goes something like this; “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.” Many women are masters at putting a man down, making discouraging, condescending remarks, complaining, nagging, fussing, bitching and moaning. It's like she becomes this dark cloud over his head that's constantly drizzling. Many women will claim that this is nothing more than their attempt to motivate improvement in a man that she feels can do better. However ladies, I can assure you that most times this only serves to slowly push him away; usually into the arms of another woman who gives him the support he doesn't feel he's getting from you. You know, many times when men or women cheat, it's not necessarily because they're just looking to fool around for fun, but it's because they discover someone else out there that cares enough to give them some attention and support.
Please allow me at this time to dispel a myth: That in any one life time, there is only one true love or special person out there for any one man or woman; that there is only one soul mate for me or you. Paleeeeze!!! The truth: This planet is loaded with people who would be a good or even a perfect match for you or me. These people may even be of a different race than you; may be a few years younger or older. My point is that there are plenty of women out there that are not only available and willing to be with and support your man, but are also quite compatible with him. So if you aren't giving your man the support he wants and needs, don't be shocked and surprised if some else ends up in his “cheering” section.
Monday, April 19, 2010
How To Keep Your Man From Cheating
In order for a woman to keep her man from cheating, she needs to respect him; along with providing him with clean, healthy, and vibrant sexual stimulation. Now depending on what type of man you have, this may possibly be easier said than done. Many women, for a variety of reasons, find it challenging to respect the man that they are with. Maybe you caught him cheating. Or perhaps he's terrible with money. Or maybe he has a hard time holding down a job or finding work. Maybe he isn't as educated, or makes less money than you. Perhaps his credit score sucks, or his car only runs part of the time. The list could go on as to why a women finds it hard to give a man the respect he feels he is lacking and would like to have from you.
In my opinion you have two choices concerning your man: Either respect the man you're with, or dump him and get one you can respect; period; end of discussion. If your relationship with him is going to work you've got to give him respect, or he'll find (and for many men this isn't all that difficult, regardless of what you may think of him) another woman who treats him like he's Tom Cruise.
I've heard a number of women lament over situations in which when they finally saw the woman that their man was cheating with, that the other woman wasn't as attractive as she is. She'll say things like, “Why that heifer aint even as good looking as me, why the hell did he go for her?” Sometimes, ladies, it's not simply about how nice her boobs are or how long her hair is, but it's a matter of how she treats him; the fact that she makes him feel like a man, like a king, like the warrior he either really is or wishes he could be. We men are very simple creatures, unlike women who tend to be just a bit more complicated, who can find satisfaction in life with just a can of beer and a stroke of the ol' ego.
Some people say that respect has to be earned. And you know what; I couldn't agree more. However, there are situations where respect can be “granted” rather than earned. For example, you may grant respect to a man simply because he has a badge and is wearing a uniform, even though you know nothing about him. You can also grant respect based on a person's potential or your expectation of ones eventual future. If a person is doing well in law school, you may give him the respect of an attorney, even if he hasn't passed the bar yet. The point is if you have chosen to either be or stay with a man (even if he isn't exactly “perfect”) I can only assume that it may be because you see in him the potential to either be more or have more: Respect the potential. Women can have so much power and influence on a man that many times she can unconsciously “coach” him into improvement; but she can't and won't do it unless she gives him respect. If you give your man the respect that he wants and needs from you, not only will you have a man that won't cheat on you, but a man you can eventually be proud of in other areas as well.
In my opinion you have two choices concerning your man: Either respect the man you're with, or dump him and get one you can respect; period; end of discussion. If your relationship with him is going to work you've got to give him respect, or he'll find (and for many men this isn't all that difficult, regardless of what you may think of him) another woman who treats him like he's Tom Cruise.
I've heard a number of women lament over situations in which when they finally saw the woman that their man was cheating with, that the other woman wasn't as attractive as she is. She'll say things like, “Why that heifer aint even as good looking as me, why the hell did he go for her?” Sometimes, ladies, it's not simply about how nice her boobs are or how long her hair is, but it's a matter of how she treats him; the fact that she makes him feel like a man, like a king, like the warrior he either really is or wishes he could be. We men are very simple creatures, unlike women who tend to be just a bit more complicated, who can find satisfaction in life with just a can of beer and a stroke of the ol' ego.
Some people say that respect has to be earned. And you know what; I couldn't agree more. However, there are situations where respect can be “granted” rather than earned. For example, you may grant respect to a man simply because he has a badge and is wearing a uniform, even though you know nothing about him. You can also grant respect based on a person's potential or your expectation of ones eventual future. If a person is doing well in law school, you may give him the respect of an attorney, even if he hasn't passed the bar yet. The point is if you have chosen to either be or stay with a man (even if he isn't exactly “perfect”) I can only assume that it may be because you see in him the potential to either be more or have more: Respect the potential. Women can have so much power and influence on a man that many times she can unconsciously “coach” him into improvement; but she can't and won't do it unless she gives him respect. If you give your man the respect that he wants and needs from you, not only will you have a man that won't cheat on you, but a man you can eventually be proud of in other areas as well.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
How To Keep Your Man From Cheating
Welcome back, my people. At the time of this writing, I'm watching the “Tyra Banks Show” with “Ludacris” as a guest on the show. A female in the audience asked him the question, “How can you tell if a man is cheating on you?”, to which Luda responded by saying, “I can't answer that question due to the guy code; I must respect the code; right fellas?” Men in the audience agreed with him.
Ladies, I don't have a “guy code” I respect. You are my sisters and I want the best for you, and I want to help you as much as I can. That's why I tell you the truth (as I see it) and keep it real.
With that said, I need to piggy back on the last conversation about the nature of why people cheat. Some people may think that I'm simply making excuses or trying to give the green light to people who just want to have fun fooling around. I am not attempting to make excuses; however, I am attempting to explain a little bit about natural animal instincts. As human beings, we are blessed with minds that can reason, think, and create; unlike other mammals. Due to this human benefit, we don't have to submit to animalistic behavior. People do not have to cheat; men or women. And in spite of statistics, not all men cheat! They may fantasize occasionally, but many men are conservatively faithful. However, depending on your upbringing, social, religious, and parental influence, as well as individual personalities, we all have various degrees of moral levels. And as humans with the capacity to love and receive love, at our core being, we have no desire to hurt one another. However, when our ability to have certain basic needs met are challenged (a wife withholding sex from her husband for weeks because she's always too tired, or going without food for two weeks, for example), we may turn to animalistic behavior, or act on “instincts” to help meet the need. The stronger your moral “programming”, the less likely you are to revert to acting on instinct. Sex is a basic, natural human need, and so is “change”. We need to keep these things in mind when we are in monogamous relationships. Your attitude towards and treatment of your man can very well help determine, along with other factors, how likely he is to use his mind to be faithful, or his “flesh” (aka instinct) to be a cheat.
Next I'll get into the other ways to keep your man from cheating on you; so stayed tuned.
Ladies, I don't have a “guy code” I respect. You are my sisters and I want the best for you, and I want to help you as much as I can. That's why I tell you the truth (as I see it) and keep it real.
With that said, I need to piggy back on the last conversation about the nature of why people cheat. Some people may think that I'm simply making excuses or trying to give the green light to people who just want to have fun fooling around. I am not attempting to make excuses; however, I am attempting to explain a little bit about natural animal instincts. As human beings, we are blessed with minds that can reason, think, and create; unlike other mammals. Due to this human benefit, we don't have to submit to animalistic behavior. People do not have to cheat; men or women. And in spite of statistics, not all men cheat! They may fantasize occasionally, but many men are conservatively faithful. However, depending on your upbringing, social, religious, and parental influence, as well as individual personalities, we all have various degrees of moral levels. And as humans with the capacity to love and receive love, at our core being, we have no desire to hurt one another. However, when our ability to have certain basic needs met are challenged (a wife withholding sex from her husband for weeks because she's always too tired, or going without food for two weeks, for example), we may turn to animalistic behavior, or act on “instincts” to help meet the need. The stronger your moral “programming”, the less likely you are to revert to acting on instinct. Sex is a basic, natural human need, and so is “change”. We need to keep these things in mind when we are in monogamous relationships. Your attitude towards and treatment of your man can very well help determine, along with other factors, how likely he is to use his mind to be faithful, or his “flesh” (aka instinct) to be a cheat.
Next I'll get into the other ways to keep your man from cheating on you; so stayed tuned.
Monday, April 5, 2010
How To Keep Your Man From Cheating
Well, I've been away for about a week now (had to do some electrical work for a friend). So I am back with my continuing perspective on how to help keep your man from cheating. After dealing with the sexual stimulation portion of this discussion, it is now time for me to move on to the other factors I believe to be important in order to keep your man happily in your bed. However, before I continue with this very vital and timely discussion, I feel it is necessary at this point to say something about human nature and why marriage, as we traditionally practice it, under the best of circumstances, is such a challenge in the first place.
Over 50% of marriages (church folks included) end in divorce. And out of the couples who manage to stay together, half of them ain't happy. Many of them stay in a “dead” marriage because either they feel they can't afford to split up, or perhaps they have sooooo much money until they're afraid to loose much of it during a nasty divorce; or perhaps they're hanging in there for the kid's sake. Still, others of the more religious persuasion are told that God “hates” divorce. And since you don't want to piss him off, you just put up with a lifeless relationship for God's sake (this is crazy and unnecessary by the way; in reality God doesn't “really” force you to do anything; much less stay with someone you don't want). So what's up with the big universal nuptial challenge?
What I'm about to say is not meant to discourage marriage, it's only an attempt to explain why it's such a great challenge for so many couples. This comes on the heels of having just seen Tyler Perry's new movie “Why Did I Get Married Too”. By nature, we are creatures of variety. If you walk outside your front door and take a real good, careful, long, and sober-minded look at God's creation, it becomes all to evident that God is a God of major variety. In fact, change and variety can easily be said to be synonymous with life itself (and life, in case you weren't aware of it, is God). Not even one snow flake is exactly like another in, spite of the multiple trillions that fall. Just look at your appetite for food for a minute (oh, and uhm by the way; the appetite for food is very similar to the appetite for sex): Do you love fried chicken? I know I do. But what if you had to eat it every single day for the rest of your life? No fish! No pork chops! No shrimp! No steak! No french fries! No salad! No ham and eggs! No ice cream and cake! NOTHING BUT FRIED CHICKEN FOREVER! Would that start to get old after awhile? In a sense, that's what monogamous marriage is the way we practice it; nothing but fried chicken. Men produce millions and millions of sperm throughout their lives (woman, in contrast, run out of eggs somewhere around 50 years old; they call it menopause). Do you really think nature intended for all of that seed to be “wasted” on just one woman? Nature has programmed into the DNA of men to desire a variety female for the purpose of putting that seed to good use; there by ensuring the perpetuation of the human species. That's right folks, it's not a “sin” for a man to, at the very least, sneak a peak at another woman; it's sort of in his blood. And although I'm not a woman, I know that even though most woman are happy with one good man, many of them fantasize from time to time about what it would be like to be with some hunk like Denzel or Mr. Travolta (aw go on; admit it, I won't tell your husband). You see, my friends, I believe that long-term monogamy challenges what nature designed us to be; creatures of variety and change.
As we get older, we change; our ideas change, our values change, our outlooks on life change, our political, social, and religious perspectives may change. You may join a church after years of none-attendance, or leave after years of faithful participation. You may suddenly become a democrat after years of voting republican, or vice-versa. You may change careers, or want to change cities. You may decide one day that you want a dog or cat. Although ideally, if and when these changes occur, you would like your spouse to harmoniously change with you, or at the very least easily accept your change, the reality is that they often do not. And that's OK. If you grow apart, God does not require you to stay together.
Now I can hear a lot of people getting angry with me for the above observations; accusing me of trying to excuse immoral behavior. However, think about it; they say ones biggest financial investment is ones home. Normally when we buy one, we take out a 30 year mortgage. Yet, on average, statistics show that every 5 to 7 years into the mortgage, people either sale or refinance. Many times they are refinancing to fix-up, add-on, or redecorate the home. Why? Because even with a house, after six years or so people want a change; something different. Why do we expect that to somehow change with a spouse? All throughout the rest of our lives we look for variety and change, but when we get married, all of a sudden we expect to be perpetually excited about sameness. Why has drugs like Viagra become so popular? One main reason is it's an attempt to bypass a man's “natural” excitement for sex (which is why he normally gets hard) as a way of achieving an erection by using artificial chemicals. Why isn't he excited on his own? I bet he wouldn't need Viagra for that 22 year old cheerleader; or even his own wife of 15 years if he suddenly splits up with her, separates for a while, and notices that other men show some “appreciation” for what she brings to the table.
These comments are not designed to sour your taste towards marriage. However, if we want our matrimonial relationships to experience good success we need to understand what we are up against here so we can be prepared. This is one reason why a man needs his wife to provide clean, healthy, and vibrant sexual stimulation. It's challenging enough to maintain long-term excitement for an attractive wife. But for a woman that allows herself go down hill physically? It can be a great challenge. For her to have a chance, she should work to maintain both an attractive physique and personality; not to be a whiny, sour, bitchy, nerve-wrecking annoyance (the same could be said about men; women cheat too).
Over 50% of marriages (church folks included) end in divorce. And out of the couples who manage to stay together, half of them ain't happy. Many of them stay in a “dead” marriage because either they feel they can't afford to split up, or perhaps they have sooooo much money until they're afraid to loose much of it during a nasty divorce; or perhaps they're hanging in there for the kid's sake. Still, others of the more religious persuasion are told that God “hates” divorce. And since you don't want to piss him off, you just put up with a lifeless relationship for God's sake (this is crazy and unnecessary by the way; in reality God doesn't “really” force you to do anything; much less stay with someone you don't want). So what's up with the big universal nuptial challenge?
What I'm about to say is not meant to discourage marriage, it's only an attempt to explain why it's such a great challenge for so many couples. This comes on the heels of having just seen Tyler Perry's new movie “Why Did I Get Married Too”. By nature, we are creatures of variety. If you walk outside your front door and take a real good, careful, long, and sober-minded look at God's creation, it becomes all to evident that God is a God of major variety. In fact, change and variety can easily be said to be synonymous with life itself (and life, in case you weren't aware of it, is God). Not even one snow flake is exactly like another in, spite of the multiple trillions that fall. Just look at your appetite for food for a minute (oh, and uhm by the way; the appetite for food is very similar to the appetite for sex): Do you love fried chicken? I know I do. But what if you had to eat it every single day for the rest of your life? No fish! No pork chops! No shrimp! No steak! No french fries! No salad! No ham and eggs! No ice cream and cake! NOTHING BUT FRIED CHICKEN FOREVER! Would that start to get old after awhile? In a sense, that's what monogamous marriage is the way we practice it; nothing but fried chicken. Men produce millions and millions of sperm throughout their lives (woman, in contrast, run out of eggs somewhere around 50 years old; they call it menopause). Do you really think nature intended for all of that seed to be “wasted” on just one woman? Nature has programmed into the DNA of men to desire a variety female for the purpose of putting that seed to good use; there by ensuring the perpetuation of the human species. That's right folks, it's not a “sin” for a man to, at the very least, sneak a peak at another woman; it's sort of in his blood. And although I'm not a woman, I know that even though most woman are happy with one good man, many of them fantasize from time to time about what it would be like to be with some hunk like Denzel or Mr. Travolta (aw go on; admit it, I won't tell your husband). You see, my friends, I believe that long-term monogamy challenges what nature designed us to be; creatures of variety and change.
As we get older, we change; our ideas change, our values change, our outlooks on life change, our political, social, and religious perspectives may change. You may join a church after years of none-attendance, or leave after years of faithful participation. You may suddenly become a democrat after years of voting republican, or vice-versa. You may change careers, or want to change cities. You may decide one day that you want a dog or cat. Although ideally, if and when these changes occur, you would like your spouse to harmoniously change with you, or at the very least easily accept your change, the reality is that they often do not. And that's OK. If you grow apart, God does not require you to stay together.
Now I can hear a lot of people getting angry with me for the above observations; accusing me of trying to excuse immoral behavior. However, think about it; they say ones biggest financial investment is ones home. Normally when we buy one, we take out a 30 year mortgage. Yet, on average, statistics show that every 5 to 7 years into the mortgage, people either sale or refinance. Many times they are refinancing to fix-up, add-on, or redecorate the home. Why? Because even with a house, after six years or so people want a change; something different. Why do we expect that to somehow change with a spouse? All throughout the rest of our lives we look for variety and change, but when we get married, all of a sudden we expect to be perpetually excited about sameness. Why has drugs like Viagra become so popular? One main reason is it's an attempt to bypass a man's “natural” excitement for sex (which is why he normally gets hard) as a way of achieving an erection by using artificial chemicals. Why isn't he excited on his own? I bet he wouldn't need Viagra for that 22 year old cheerleader; or even his own wife of 15 years if he suddenly splits up with her, separates for a while, and notices that other men show some “appreciation” for what she brings to the table.
These comments are not designed to sour your taste towards marriage. However, if we want our matrimonial relationships to experience good success we need to understand what we are up against here so we can be prepared. This is one reason why a man needs his wife to provide clean, healthy, and vibrant sexual stimulation. It's challenging enough to maintain long-term excitement for an attractive wife. But for a woman that allows herself go down hill physically? It can be a great challenge. For her to have a chance, she should work to maintain both an attractive physique and personality; not to be a whiny, sour, bitchy, nerve-wrecking annoyance (the same could be said about men; women cheat too).
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
How To Keep Your Man From Cheating part 4
Continuing from part 4 of this discussion of why do men cheat, a woman's sexual stimulation aught to be vibrant. Now, to me, this means 2 things. Number one, it means that the man actually is stimulated, meaning that he does, at the very least, get some from you. For some reason, that we won't get into right here, some women seem to have a take-it or leave-it attitude towards sex with their man; mostly leave it. They come up with all types of excuses why they just can't do it tonight (headache, backache, stomachache, too tired, the baby's crying, toenail hurts; you get the point). But then these same women have the audacity to be upset, shocked, and disturbed when the man actually gets with another woman, or at the very least, looks at porn.
Then there is the “saint” who only wants to do one position because the others are “unholy and wrong before God”; or she doesn't want to feel like a dirty slut. This woman is just too conservative for that type of “degrading” activity. You see, such shenanigans are beneath her. After all, she's a “missionary baptist girl”; born and raised, and by-golly, in the name of Jesus, that's what she's gonna stay.
Then, number 2, if you're going to help keep your man from cheating on you, it is also important to provide what I call flavorable stimulation. There are many women (wives, girlfriends, shack up honeys) who, although they do offer themselves sexually, don't present themselves flavorably. In other words, there's no excitement or enthusiasm; no real passion attached to the presentation. In the bedroom, this woman is like a boiled piece of chicken with no season salt, peppers, onions, sauce; nothing. Just plain, tasteless, bland meat. Nothing for a man to really get excited about. This woman probably comes to bed with hair rollers, big bloomer panties, crusty lips, ashy feet; smelling like collard greens. Woooowww....wouldn't you want to lay with this beach babe (your wife). Even if you never have a real orgasm; can't you provide some special affects and fake it sometimes? (Ok, I'm just kidding a bit here).
Allow me, as a man, to give you some of my ideas of vibrant sexual stimulation that might help keep him more interested in you and less interested in others:
A. Actually have sex with him. Go on; tonight, surprise him by actually saying “yes”. I bet it won't bring about the end of the world.
B. I know God won't have a problem with you trying new things in the bedroom. Trust me on this. Now although I don't recommend doing anything that's going to be physically painful or injuring, other things are just simply a matter of opinion or personal taste (pun sort of intended). God's not going to stop blessing you or send you to hell because you use toys or do it “doggy style”. Perhaps your pastor might “trip”, but God won't (which of the two is more important to you).
C. I know you probably don't want to mess up that great hair do while sleeping, but at least let him see it during sex; don't put the scarf on so soon. And if you wore a wig or hair piece all day, don't be so quick to snatch it off in front of him.
D.Try putting on some lipstick and perfume at bedtime (and some lotion wouldn't hurt either). If it's good enough for the boss and the men at the office all day, shouldn't it be good enough for your man at night? Don't get me wrong; collard greens ain't bad when I'm hungry, but I'd prefer some Victoria Secrets on my “freak” at night.
E. Speaking of Victoria Secrets, bloomer panties may be fine for your menstrual period, but what's wrong with some red thongs with a matching sexy bra any other time of the month? Nothing!!! Or some purple fish net knee highs with matching high heels (it's getting hot in here; I'd better open a window)! And sometimes, actually leave the girdle on underneath the sexy-short yellow night gown to show off those great legs but not-so-great mid section. This way, you appear to sometimes be a “slimmer” woman to your man (sometimes' it's not about what you really are, but what you appear to look like; play tricks with his eyes from time to time).
Now I know what some women may say; “Well, If he really loves me, it shouldn't matter to him what I look or act like; love should make him live and deal with it!” Tina Turner sang a song, What's love Gotta Do With It; which is to say that just because a man cheats on you doesn't mean he doesn't love you; love's got nothing to do with it! Now I know I may get some disagreements with this, but just because I eat at Wendy's doesn't mean that I don't love a good home cooked meal. However, if the meal at home either isn't available or doesn't taste right, I might just go to Wendy's. Get the point? You don't have to agree with it; I'm just trying to help some ladies keep their men from cheating.
Then there is the “saint” who only wants to do one position because the others are “unholy and wrong before God”; or she doesn't want to feel like a dirty slut. This woman is just too conservative for that type of “degrading” activity. You see, such shenanigans are beneath her. After all, she's a “missionary baptist girl”; born and raised, and by-golly, in the name of Jesus, that's what she's gonna stay.
Then, number 2, if you're going to help keep your man from cheating on you, it is also important to provide what I call flavorable stimulation. There are many women (wives, girlfriends, shack up honeys) who, although they do offer themselves sexually, don't present themselves flavorably. In other words, there's no excitement or enthusiasm; no real passion attached to the presentation. In the bedroom, this woman is like a boiled piece of chicken with no season salt, peppers, onions, sauce; nothing. Just plain, tasteless, bland meat. Nothing for a man to really get excited about. This woman probably comes to bed with hair rollers, big bloomer panties, crusty lips, ashy feet; smelling like collard greens. Woooowww....wouldn't you want to lay with this beach babe (your wife). Even if you never have a real orgasm; can't you provide some special affects and fake it sometimes? (Ok, I'm just kidding a bit here).
Allow me, as a man, to give you some of my ideas of vibrant sexual stimulation that might help keep him more interested in you and less interested in others:
A. Actually have sex with him. Go on; tonight, surprise him by actually saying “yes”. I bet it won't bring about the end of the world.
B. I know God won't have a problem with you trying new things in the bedroom. Trust me on this. Now although I don't recommend doing anything that's going to be physically painful or injuring, other things are just simply a matter of opinion or personal taste (pun sort of intended). God's not going to stop blessing you or send you to hell because you use toys or do it “doggy style”. Perhaps your pastor might “trip”, but God won't (which of the two is more important to you).
C. I know you probably don't want to mess up that great hair do while sleeping, but at least let him see it during sex; don't put the scarf on so soon. And if you wore a wig or hair piece all day, don't be so quick to snatch it off in front of him.
D.Try putting on some lipstick and perfume at bedtime (and some lotion wouldn't hurt either). If it's good enough for the boss and the men at the office all day, shouldn't it be good enough for your man at night? Don't get me wrong; collard greens ain't bad when I'm hungry, but I'd prefer some Victoria Secrets on my “freak” at night.
E. Speaking of Victoria Secrets, bloomer panties may be fine for your menstrual period, but what's wrong with some red thongs with a matching sexy bra any other time of the month? Nothing!!! Or some purple fish net knee highs with matching high heels (it's getting hot in here; I'd better open a window)! And sometimes, actually leave the girdle on underneath the sexy-short yellow night gown to show off those great legs but not-so-great mid section. This way, you appear to sometimes be a “slimmer” woman to your man (sometimes' it's not about what you really are, but what you appear to look like; play tricks with his eyes from time to time).
Now I know what some women may say; “Well, If he really loves me, it shouldn't matter to him what I look or act like; love should make him live and deal with it!” Tina Turner sang a song, What's love Gotta Do With It; which is to say that just because a man cheats on you doesn't mean he doesn't love you; love's got nothing to do with it! Now I know I may get some disagreements with this, but just because I eat at Wendy's doesn't mean that I don't love a good home cooked meal. However, if the meal at home either isn't available or doesn't taste right, I might just go to Wendy's. Get the point? You don't have to agree with it; I'm just trying to help some ladies keep their men from cheating.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
How To Help Keep Your Man From Cheating part 3
Continuing from part 2 of this topic, it is important for a wife (and the others), if she expects to keep her husband interested in her sexually, to provide "healthy" sexual stimulation. I believe that this often, unfortunately, gets ignored and overlooked. We've already discussed the importance of being clean on the outside. But what about "inner" cleanliness? What about clean lungs, a clean stomach, perhaps a clean colon? Did you know that a thin layer of flesh separates the lower colon from the vagina? There are times when if this area of the colon is full of "crap" (literally), sex, for the woman, can be a bit uncomfortable. Not to mention that when bowel sits in the colon it has a tendency to create "gases"; this too can create some unpleasant experiences during love making sessions. Try adding more fiber to your diet in the form of more fruits and vegetables, some whole-grain cereal, and perhaps a laxative at least once a month to help clean out all of the junk we average Americans tend to consume on a regular basis (I've found that about 12 dried plums,or "prunes", accomplishes the same thing).
And, at the risk of sounding socially redundant, proper diet and exercise, or lack of, is a major contributor to how you both look and feel. Although this is not exactly a new concept, when you look at all of the overweight and out of shape wives out there, one has to wonder whether or not this is the first time we're hearing this. I mean it's like the minute women graduate high school, have a baby, or get married, ALL exercise appears to come to a halt. One of the things I miss most about high school is that everyday, for four years, I was literally surrounded by great looking females with nice bodies. Now someone may say in defense, "Well, that's because they're teenagers; so what do you expect". Just because you're over 25 and married with a child or more does not mean that physical attractiveness has to end, or at the very least, take a mild or significant dive. If you have the mindset to make a good balanced diet and exercise as regular a part of your life as watching the nightly news or Desperate Housewives, I promise you'll look and feel better;
almost like in those high school days.
When you can look in the mirror and like what you see, and you feel good mentally and physically, not only will you be more appealing eye candy to your husband, but you bring a certain type of attitude and confidence to the bedroom that is alluring, appealing, and attractive. Many women tend to not be in a mood for sex simply because they don't "feel" attractive, even if their man is trying to reassure them that they are. My wife, Yolanda, is 42 years young; and people say to her, "gee, you're so young and good looking for your age". What? You're suppose to look good and attractive at 42. If you don't, then you didn't properly maintain yourself.
One final thought on the health portion of this discussion: Diet, exercise, and attitude has a lot to do with whether or not we not only contract many types of diseases (like cancer for example), but also how fast we heal from these diseases, or if we ever heal from them at all. With that said, there are relationships that have suffered sexually, due to one of the partners, particularly the woman, having some sort of sickness. At the risk of sounding insensitive, disease and sickness isn't sexy. Try and tell me that after chemo treatment, and a loss of hair, that your wife is still considered "hot" enough for you to want to rip her clothes off and "split her apart", so to speak. In general, I don't think so! Now Please don't miss understand me: I'm not saying a man no longer has feelings of love and commitment towards his sick bride, I'm just saying that from a sexual standpoint, there is a certain member of a man's anatomy that doesn't exactly stand stiffly to attention for a woman that's been vomiting due to radioactive invasive treatment. All I'm trying to say is that it is vitally important for a woman to be healthy in order to help maintain a man's sexual appetite for her.
At this point, there is something that I feel I need to explain about the sexual nature of us men to sort of help put this conversation in perspective. Keep in mind, my dear friends, that I'm not claiming these perspectives to be "the truth come from God". They are simply my opinions based on a lot of thought, study, and "open minded" observation. I invite you to share your thoughts and opinions on this matter. Any way, I will share man's sexual nature with you next time before getting into the "vibrant" part of a woman's sexual stimulation for her man.
And, at the risk of sounding socially redundant, proper diet and exercise, or lack of, is a major contributor to how you both look and feel. Although this is not exactly a new concept, when you look at all of the overweight and out of shape wives out there, one has to wonder whether or not this is the first time we're hearing this. I mean it's like the minute women graduate high school, have a baby, or get married, ALL exercise appears to come to a halt. One of the things I miss most about high school is that everyday, for four years, I was literally surrounded by great looking females with nice bodies. Now someone may say in defense, "Well, that's because they're teenagers; so what do you expect". Just because you're over 25 and married with a child or more does not mean that physical attractiveness has to end, or at the very least, take a mild or significant dive. If you have the mindset to make a good balanced diet and exercise as regular a part of your life as watching the nightly news or Desperate Housewives, I promise you'll look and feel better;
almost like in those high school days.
When you can look in the mirror and like what you see, and you feel good mentally and physically, not only will you be more appealing eye candy to your husband, but you bring a certain type of attitude and confidence to the bedroom that is alluring, appealing, and attractive. Many women tend to not be in a mood for sex simply because they don't "feel" attractive, even if their man is trying to reassure them that they are. My wife, Yolanda, is 42 years young; and people say to her, "gee, you're so young and good looking for your age". What? You're suppose to look good and attractive at 42. If you don't, then you didn't properly maintain yourself.
One final thought on the health portion of this discussion: Diet, exercise, and attitude has a lot to do with whether or not we not only contract many types of diseases (like cancer for example), but also how fast we heal from these diseases, or if we ever heal from them at all. With that said, there are relationships that have suffered sexually, due to one of the partners, particularly the woman, having some sort of sickness. At the risk of sounding insensitive, disease and sickness isn't sexy. Try and tell me that after chemo treatment, and a loss of hair, that your wife is still considered "hot" enough for you to want to rip her clothes off and "split her apart", so to speak. In general, I don't think so! Now Please don't miss understand me: I'm not saying a man no longer has feelings of love and commitment towards his sick bride, I'm just saying that from a sexual standpoint, there is a certain member of a man's anatomy that doesn't exactly stand stiffly to attention for a woman that's been vomiting due to radioactive invasive treatment. All I'm trying to say is that it is vitally important for a woman to be healthy in order to help maintain a man's sexual appetite for her.
At this point, there is something that I feel I need to explain about the sexual nature of us men to sort of help put this conversation in perspective. Keep in mind, my dear friends, that I'm not claiming these perspectives to be "the truth come from God". They are simply my opinions based on a lot of thought, study, and "open minded" observation. I invite you to share your thoughts and opinions on this matter. Any way, I will share man's sexual nature with you next time before getting into the "vibrant" part of a woman's sexual stimulation for her man.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
How To Keep Your Man From Cheating, Part 2
Hello everyone!! Once again Dr. Mike's here with some of my thoughts, feelings, and perspectives on some of the things I feel are relative and important to today's society. Let me remind you that I don't claim to have "the" answer from God concerning this monologue. Among us "saved" folks, you will here quite often the phrase, "The Lord spoke to me and said....."!!! Most times the Lord ain't said nothing; but that doesn't stop us from making the claim. I'm telling you up front that what I'm saying comes from years of experience, careful observation, a bit of my opinion, and a dash or pinch of inspiration. With that said let's get into the meat, a bit, as to why men cheat, and how to keep your man from cheating.
I told you before that there are three (3) things I believe wives, girlfriends, and move-in-honeys need to do to help ensure that their men will not cheat or seek the "services" of other females. It is my intention to share one of the three with you today. I think, however, at this point, it is important, for the sake of some of my more "conservative" friends, to understand why I also address the "girlfriends" and "move-in-honeys (aka "shack up); as if their relationships aren't as "divinely" legit. In the true spirit of the matter, when the rubber meets the road; whether the romantic union has been legalized by the state and blessed by the church or not; even if they haven't moved in together yet, women expect the men they're with to be faithful and monogamous to them. And if they're not, there can be some serious emotional, financial, and physical repercussions ( as crazy as it sounds, even "mistresses" expect faithfulness from cheating husbands; now think about that one for a minute).
For number one, I shall start with the most obvious: Clean, healthy, and vibrant sexual stimulation! Notice I didn't just say "give him some" (Remember, this is coming from a dude who's been married for nearly 20 years). Allow me to break it on down for you. First, the sex needs to be clean. Now when I say "clean", I'm not talking about the avoidance of certain types of sexual activities such as anal, oral, and stuff like that. That's between you and your lover to decide. As long as the two of you are in agreement and it's safe, comfortable and pleasurable, it's all good. I'm speaking of personal hygiene my friends.
Ladies, please understand; I can not over emphasize enough your need, due to your unique anatomies, to stay on top of good overall physical hygiene including oral, the "private parts" (back and front), and hair! One would think, "Duh, isn't that obvious?" Well, according to my experience, apparently not. Sometimes, due to being busy, tired, overworked, in a hurry, etc; women can, and do, neglect themselves. As a result, they may not be as fresh as they can be. However, some of these same woman will expect their men to "perform" as if they are the national model for Victoria Secrets, Bare Necessities, Avon, or Scope. I've heard people make the statement, "Well, if we really love each other, it shouldn't matter!" Oh, my God, who done told you wrong? (please excuse my grammar here). As if love should withstand morning breath, foot odor, bad hair, and other unpleasants I won't mention right here. Well, maybe true love will withstand these "situations", but not a good sex life! In case you hadn't heard, you can love someone and not be excited about french kissing them. All I'm trying to say, without being to redundant, is to be very mindful of your hygiene throughout the day, especially when you're with your man.
Here are a few pointers on what you can do to at least appear to be "fresh" for him:
1. Keep some sugarless breath spray (sugar causes tooth decay and eventually makes the odor worse) next to your side of the bed so you can give yourself a quick shot or two, just in case you haven't had a chance to go properly brush and gargle, but he's just got to have you "right now"!
2. Forget the expensive perfumes and powders; nothing is more powerful on foot odor than trusty ole baking soda. Just sprinkle a bit between the toes. Neither you, he, or anyone else will ever smell a thing.
3. Speaking of baking soda, brushing your teeth and tongue with baking soda or a very good baking soda based toothpaste (Arm & Hammer is perhaps the best) with a hydrogen peroxide damp toothbrush, along with flossing and a good mouthwash, after every meal; or at least every morning and before bed time, will usually help keep the mouth "french-kissing ready".
4. Am I one of the few people that realizes that toilet paper doesn't exactly "clean" you down there; hmm? I mean, c'mon, you might as well wash your dishes with a dry rag (try eating off of that plate during your next meal). Most people use toilet paper during those number "one" and "two" moments in the washroom, but will wait until their daily bath or shower (dear God let it be at least "daily") for soap and water. However, what if he's in the mood for love after the washroom break, but before the next scheduled bath or shower? What will you do? Just give him some anyway? Or maybe you're the horny one; do you insist on doing "it" before a good soaking? Do us a favor: Don't do it!!! Spontaneity certainly has its place, but, trust me, very bad experiences can occur between the sheets with this care-free attitude towards cleanliness. Hey, do you want spontaneity? Suddenly snatch him into the shower and try some wet foreplay.
5. And finally, ladies, I know that keeping your hair perpetually "beauty-salon correct" can be a challenge ( I do have a wife and two daughters). Therefore, if you're just going to slap a wig or a hair piece on it, at least make sure that the hair and scalp underneath is regularly washed and combed. After a few days of neglect, hair and scalp tends to develop an odor as well as dandruff. And it can be a turn off when you get home from work, or the mall, snatch off your wig, climb into bed to snuggle up with your man, and there's the odor of neglected hair (dandruff just isn't sexy).
Next, I'm going to discuss the "healthy" portion of number one of the three ways to keep your man from cheating; so stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
How To Keep Your Man From Cheating- Part 1
First of all let me start by saying good afternoon people. I realize that men as well as the ladies may be reading these "insights" so I'll just say "people". However, I'm attempting to assist the ladies here because I realize that what's on my mind is in fact near and dear to the hearts of many women; married, single, and shack up out there (and to a certain extent, girlfriends of boyfriends).
On a side note, before I continue, let me just say right here that I have nothing against the shack up honeys who may be reading this. After all, you are just as committed to your man as married women are to their "legal" husbands. Your hearts are truly in this relationship, even though the church and state does not recognize it as "legit". In spirit, it may very well be more legit than at least half of the legal marriages out there (the divorce statistics sort of supports me on this). And as far as "God" is concerned that's all that really matters. Also, do you not know of the many females out their stressing out over their boyfriends? Why, there have been girls that have committed suicide over a failed boyfriend relationship. Did ya know that?
Now, you may have noticed that I had the audacity to say what "God" is concerned with. Well who would have enough nerve to make a declaration like that besides a prophet, preacher, or lunatic? Well, not that it really matters, but I've been a preacher in the church since the age of 15. Yep, a whooping and hollering, Sunday morning pulpit preacher since my high school days (I'm 45 years old now, married for 19 years with 4 kids, a granddaughter, and grandson). While in high school, by the way, I was preaching abstinence. That sort of changed in my first year of college when I lost my virginity to my "girl friend" (do guys really have that; you know: a virginity) let me get back to you on that. Any ways, over the years, I've done a lot of studying about man's version of "God" through bible courses in theology, homiletics, apologetics, comparative religious studies, etc. I even have an "honorary doctorate" from World Christianship Ministries out of Fresno CA. Thus, I call myself "doctor" so you'll sort of respect my "wisdom" (Aw come on now, I'm not the only one). Yeah, I know Michael Salvage wouldn't respect that but so what.
After years of "experience" not only in the word but in life, I've learned that God speaks through everyone and everything. An ant can be a prophet sent from God if you have ears to hear. And I've spent the last five years or so away from the pulpit so that I could get a chance to "hear". You know, sometimes we spend so much time speaking for God we don't give ourselves a chance to hear from God. That's why Moses and Jesus had to get away and go to the mountain and wilderness for forty days. So God could tell them something. Well I believe God is trying to tell both women and men something through this blog.
Let me be honest and frank here; this blog is designed to be blunt and real with you; no baloney. My goal here is not to be "religiously correct" with you. You've been fed enough crap already; need I continue the tradition? I don't think so! You have no obligation to agree or disagree with the "wisdom" here. It's just meant to put something on your mind; give you something to ponder while driving or cooking. Have you noticed, for example that in spite of religion's attempt to get you to believe that God "commands" or "requires" you to do or be anything that God never "makes" you do anything? Why not? God certainly has the power, ability, and authority to. Perhaps our ways aren't really getting on God's nerves as much as we say they are. Otherwise something would have been done about it by now.
Well, much more could be said about that, but for now, Why do men cheat? What is the truth? What would God (or I) like you to know? I hear the question: Do ALL men cheat? No, not all of them do, but many of them; enough to cause a great deal of misery, broken hearts, broken homes, broken dreams, broken finances, and fatherless homes. Oh and ah, by the way; the ones that don't cheat due to religious and conservative training are either gulping down Viagra in order to generate artificial excitement, or having prostate problems due to sexual inactivity caused by marital "boredom" (some have called this "minimized sex drive" due to low testosterone levels; trying to be nice). Is there anything that women can do to change things? Are men just evil; destined to be dogs? Is there hope for your man, your marriage, your matrimonial arrangement? I think I may have some answers that may shock you, maybe make you mad, piss you off, but may also help you and give you an edge and some understanding.
Stay tuned; this is gonna get very interesting.
On a side note, before I continue, let me just say right here that I have nothing against the shack up honeys who may be reading this. After all, you are just as committed to your man as married women are to their "legal" husbands. Your hearts are truly in this relationship, even though the church and state does not recognize it as "legit". In spirit, it may very well be more legit than at least half of the legal marriages out there (the divorce statistics sort of supports me on this). And as far as "God" is concerned that's all that really matters. Also, do you not know of the many females out their stressing out over their boyfriends? Why, there have been girls that have committed suicide over a failed boyfriend relationship. Did ya know that?
Now, you may have noticed that I had the audacity to say what "God" is concerned with. Well who would have enough nerve to make a declaration like that besides a prophet, preacher, or lunatic? Well, not that it really matters, but I've been a preacher in the church since the age of 15. Yep, a whooping and hollering, Sunday morning pulpit preacher since my high school days (I'm 45 years old now, married for 19 years with 4 kids, a granddaughter, and grandson). While in high school, by the way, I was preaching abstinence. That sort of changed in my first year of college when I lost my virginity to my "girl friend" (do guys really have that; you know: a virginity) let me get back to you on that. Any ways, over the years, I've done a lot of studying about man's version of "God" through bible courses in theology, homiletics, apologetics, comparative religious studies, etc. I even have an "honorary doctorate" from World Christianship Ministries out of Fresno CA. Thus, I call myself "doctor" so you'll sort of respect my "wisdom" (Aw come on now, I'm not the only one). Yeah, I know Michael Salvage wouldn't respect that but so what.
After years of "experience" not only in the word but in life, I've learned that God speaks through everyone and everything. An ant can be a prophet sent from God if you have ears to hear. And I've spent the last five years or so away from the pulpit so that I could get a chance to "hear". You know, sometimes we spend so much time speaking for God we don't give ourselves a chance to hear from God. That's why Moses and Jesus had to get away and go to the mountain and wilderness for forty days. So God could tell them something. Well I believe God is trying to tell both women and men something through this blog.
Let me be honest and frank here; this blog is designed to be blunt and real with you; no baloney. My goal here is not to be "religiously correct" with you. You've been fed enough crap already; need I continue the tradition? I don't think so! You have no obligation to agree or disagree with the "wisdom" here. It's just meant to put something on your mind; give you something to ponder while driving or cooking. Have you noticed, for example that in spite of religion's attempt to get you to believe that God "commands" or "requires" you to do or be anything that God never "makes" you do anything? Why not? God certainly has the power, ability, and authority to. Perhaps our ways aren't really getting on God's nerves as much as we say they are. Otherwise something would have been done about it by now.
Well, much more could be said about that, but for now, Why do men cheat? What is the truth? What would God (or I) like you to know? I hear the question: Do ALL men cheat? No, not all of them do, but many of them; enough to cause a great deal of misery, broken hearts, broken homes, broken dreams, broken finances, and fatherless homes. Oh and ah, by the way; the ones that don't cheat due to religious and conservative training are either gulping down Viagra in order to generate artificial excitement, or having prostate problems due to sexual inactivity caused by marital "boredom" (some have called this "minimized sex drive" due to low testosterone levels; trying to be nice). Is there anything that women can do to change things? Are men just evil; destined to be dogs? Is there hope for your man, your marriage, your matrimonial arrangement? I think I may have some answers that may shock you, maybe make you mad, piss you off, but may also help you and give you an edge and some understanding.
Stay tuned; this is gonna get very interesting.
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